.letters to death

.death, you have come to walk behind me
.as you trot to my regard
.i feel your presence
.a bit taunting but might as well
.you are here to stay .the part of my life

.death, you have come to walk beside me
.you have caught on to my step
.please, welcome me to your gutter
.i know
.you have been waiting for my deposit


‘.i want to die .i want to die .i want to die .i want to die’ .i grimace through these words ‘.i want to die .i want to die .i want to die .i want to die .i want to die .i want to die’ .the thought trickles like a nuisance with its lyrical tune .let’s all sing it ‘.i want to die .i want to die .i want to die’ .repeat it .eat it .indulge yourself with it ‘.i want to die .i want to die’ .it is musical .it is comical .it is my smirk ‘.i want to die .i want to die .i want to die’ .and then it becomes my pledge as a superman with his curse .i please my pleas to hang my thoughts ‘.i want to die .i want to die .i want to die .i want to die’ .it is my life; but, today i hang myself with this echo, on this rod, in this room, and at this moment .i have vouched to my reality ‘.i want to die.’


.blue stares me in the face
.the blue that you regret
.blue you will forget

.blue is in the skies
.blue as in the colour of your eyes
.blue, the note of sharp F

.and then the blue in your mind
.the blue that eats at your gut
.the blue that will not easily stray

.the blue, the ‘i’ that remain…

.the touch of blue .of you


.learn a new language
.stop reusing the words
.to translate all the same nonsense
.your point of view remains unchanged
.transmitters burned out
.the sparks and no ignition
.brain dead
.like motor chatter that’s ill
.finger painting
.in the ward with all the rest
.become a nuisance of repeating yourself
.learn a new language
.to bore yourself again

.stop the silliness

.seven years, i awake in fear .distant
.prison is all i can see .why?
.feeling trapped in this agony?
.it is my enemy
‘.face me!’ .i declare ‘.dare me!’

.like a child
.don’t judge the lost voice
.don’t whisper the last word
.when i’ll hear, i’ll come near
.with reasons, i’ll rip the face you place before me
.i’ll rip myself to shreds
.and i am frightened
.as i am threatened
.the weakness i bear
.the strength you gain

.all the mistakes i made
.can you see through them my friend?


.where the flowers fall .where the ground turns cold and grey .where i stood withering away .i am in your arms .bitter and sweet .don’t say goodbye .don’t say hallo .just stay .be mine .but i am afraid .i will never be someone you want me to be .free and wild .witty and smart .because i will always be timid and small .i will always be ‘me’

.whisper .whisper .the words dance in the air .like sunshine and rain .i am lifted and then torn .i am kissed and then bruised .you are kind and i am a fool .you are beautiful and i am invisible .my mind is a maze .my mind is a cage .and you will never see .what it’s like to be ‘me’

.here i stay .whimpering and bleeding dry .here i stay .shouting inside

.here i am .begging to let me be .here i am .crying out to be free .here i am .alone and in hate and doubt

.here i am .jacob

.here i am