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Last night, Mary was furious. “How can you eat that last piece of pie knowing full well that when the asteroid hits the Earth tomorrow, any access to food will be a thing of the past?”
“Well, I just wanted you to ease into the idea of starvation,” I said.
“And why did you have to waste money on a tanning salon knowing also that fiery tornadoes will rage in most places in the world?”
“Why is it that when I want to look my best for an important event for a change, you start ragging on me?” I protested. “Especially for an event like this; we will never again experience an asteroid, the size of Manhattan, hitting the earth.”
“Don’t you think you might get a tan a lot cheaper as soon as the ozone layer is burned off?” Mary said. “Just can’t wait to waste money, can you?”
“Yeah, right, wasting money—and you didn’t waste money on all these ‘End of the Earth’ parties you’ve been throwing all week long?”
“Don’t you think there’s a difference?” Mary responded sharply. “You’re spending money only on yourself, for crying out loud. And me? All I’m trying to do is make friends, since tomorrow we will face total annihilation.”
“Alright…whatever,” I said. “But we’d better get some sleep. We’ve got to get up early tomorrow. The asteroid will not wait for you…the way I always do every day.”
***
That was last night. Of course, Mary is taking her sweet time getting ready. She is still in the bathroom.
“Would you hurry the hell up, Mary? The asteroid will be here any minute!”
“Oh, give it a rest, will ya? I’ll be right out. In the meantime, you might think about getting everything ready: tissues for when we’re crying our eyes out, guns and ammo for looters if we should survive for a while, painkillers, first aid kits etc.”
“Yeah, I’ve got it.”
“Well, here I am. Where is that damn asteroi…”
Wolfgang Niesielski was a humor columnist with the Contra Costa Times for many years. He has illustrated books and produced cartoons for the San Jose Mercury News, Philosophy Now, and other publications. He is the author of five books: Bruno Fenster Saves the World: And Still Has Time for Breakfast, Touched by Choi, A Parallel Universe, The Alien in My E-Mail and Other Stories, and Corona Chronicles. He is a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with his wife, Ebele.