Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: On Snot

Yes, I mean the snot that comes from your nose. Again, hear me out. It’s cleaner than shit and piss, of course. But more than that, you vanilla folks…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: Fucking Angela Merkel, Considered

February 3, 2017 Right out of the gate, nearly every subject expressed a burning desire to perform fellatio on Chancellor Merkel. A linear regression…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: What Makes Mike Adriano Great?

Yes, porn is personal; infinitely subjective. Yet there are still masters of the craft. Music is personal, but there are still masters. Ditto…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: On Milk

The paradox of breast milk and fucking is this: of all the bodily fluids we can secrete, milk is the only one whose purpose is to be consumed, yet…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: “No” and “Diary”

No If you had a cock, I wouldn’t suck it. Thanks for asking. Diary Having done some reading, the verdict is in: it is good for your mental health to…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: Bedtime

I sent this to you and you didn't like it. People always say that no matter what, your parents will support your art. But ironically, that isn't true…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: What Do I Think About While Watching Porn?

People tell me that everyone meditates. I think that maybe I meditate by watching porn. Is that a good way of meditating? No. But it’s what happens.…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: Bottom

Girls are submissive creatures. This manifests in countless ways, but one of the more interesting of them is how, with time, they absorb your kinks.…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: Future

By 2075, men’s rooms will be equipped with women. There’ll be an extra stall or two where you can get your dick sucked while another guy takes a dump…


Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: “Words Can Hurt” and “Dirty Marxist”

Words Can Hurt Please send this to as many people as you can who work in the San Fernando Valley. A list of things to stop saying in porn, to keep…