“What are you doing?”

Christy giggled.

“I’m watching a naughty movie. There’s this one scene, oh my God, it’s so hot. It’s my fantasy.”

“What’s that?”

“So this guy comes to the door blindfolded. He knocks and the girl pulls him inside, yanks down his pants—”

Christy gasped for air.

“His cock is so big…the girl sucks him off, but he doesn’t get to see or touch her…then he cums all over her face and leaves!”

Christy whimpered.

“I want that so bad…”

“Let’s make it happen.”


“Absolutely. Where are you?”

“Haven’t you been drinking?”

“I’m good to drive.”

She messaged her address. Take your time, she told me. And wear shorts without underwear. I stepped into a pair of swim trunks and sniffed the cleanest T-shirt out of my dirty laundry. I decided to take a shit, but I didn’t have time to shower. I quick-smeared Speed Stick under my arms and hit the road. I didn’t want to keep Christy waiting.


Christy lived in the Third Ward. I parked down the block and gathered my wits. I could see the Hoan Bridge standing alone in the purple sky. Its yellow arch always reminds me of McDonald’s. My stomach whined. A snack wrap sounded better than sex.

I approached her building. Not a light shone in any of the windows. Beyond the bridge, Michigan belched a breeze that stood the hair on my legs. I buzzed her room and waited, but the lock didn’t turn. I jammed the bell, this time with my thumb, and shook the door. It wouldn’t budge.

A pack of beautiful people rounded the corner. Queans and hulks with sterling skin and good hair, so long and tall they must have been thoroughbred in test tubes. I shrank away as the beautiful people unlocked the door and slithered after them like a squiggle of stink.

Hers was the last door on the left. A white blouse lapped the knob. I wound the blouse around my head and knocked three times. Through diamonds of lace, I watched the door crack, but I couldn’t make out her face in the dark.

“I’m the guy from Craigslist.”

“Come in! Make sure you keep the blindfold on.”

The door closed behind me. Christy didn’t turn on the lights. I backed against a wall and she fell at my feet, squeaking and squealing like a long pig. She tore down my trunks and gasped.

“Oh my God, you’re so big!”

She couldn’t have been serious. My cock was cold and scared. But I was flattered. Who knows? I may well have had the fattest cock in the world that night. I could make dreams come true.

Christy slurped my cock and squeezed my balls, but I was more soft than hard. My groin was so wet I could hardly feel anything. Her tongue tingled like a phantom limb. I closed my eyes and waited for something to happen.

“Are you going to cum soon?”

“I don’t know, just keep going.”

She wriggled a digit inside my asshole and my cock made a muscle. I had never had anything up my ass before. Now we were getting somewhere. I dipped my fingers in her astonishingly thick hair.

“Stop it! That’s not part of the fantasy!”

“It’s not?”

“You’re awful!”

“Eat my ass.”

We collapsed on the carpet. I laid face-down, ass-up. She soaked my unwashed crack in spit and thrust her tongue inside. I couldn’t imagine how I must’ve tasted. I hoped crumbs of toilet paper hadn’t stuck to my ass hair.

“Oh my God, I love your ass, oh my God!”

I didn’t know women eat ass. And I didn’t know I had always wanted a woman to eat my ass. I would have liked an ass to eat. I wished the redhead would crash through the ceiling and land on my face. I hardened at the thought of her damp taint after a long day of work and a six-pack of beer.

I flipped over and Christy tried my cock again. It immediately gummed up like leftover turkey. It’s because I couldn’t see. I like to kiss with eyes open and fuck with the lights on. I tried to loosen the blindfold, but she noticed.

“Stop, you’re awful!”


I sat up and tried to grab her ass.

“No, stop it! Next time, we’ll do your fantasy.”

My fantasy is much more than a handful of ass. If Christy could round up all my high school crushes so that I may skewer their hairy cunts and spank their fat asses with everything and the kitchen sink, bury my head in the bow of their hips and sleep through the apocalypse, after which I would sit on my ass while they took turns in my lap, smearing their tits across my face, the tang of their necks in my nostrils, their hair in my eyes, maybe she could hope to get me off.

Now Christy lay on her back. I straddled her neck and shoved my cock and both balls down her throat. She retched and yowled like a husky drowning behind glass. It was horrible. My cock recoiled in disgust. She would have to mutilate my balls if she wanted me to cum on her face. My disappointment was boundless.

I’ve been miserable since I hit puberty. I’ve never had a boner I wanted to stay the night. Neither has a cumshot made my day. I considered castration for a while, but eunuchs are bound to meaner masters. My cock chases pussy in the name of love.

I don’t know what I deserve. But I would like a love as simple and saccharine as a kindergarten valentine. A dead fish that wears potato skins and laughs when she’s nervous. We would never get off and we would never get rich and it would be so funny.

I wonder what Christy looks like. Maybe she’s one of the beautiful people. She eats ass on the first date, so she’s probably a knockout. Maybe she has money. Maybe I’ll move in. She could pay my way and eat my ass on the daily. I think that’s what I really want.

A clot of affection swam through a hole in my heart and lodged in my brain. I took my cock and balls out of her mouth and kissed her. I didn’t even care that she had just got done eating my dirty ass.

Fuck everyone and their retarded bullshit. My ex is a bitch and the redhead is a bitch, but I don’t need them. Not anymore. I know how to make a good woman happy. I’m Christy’s fantasy. Our kiss deepened.

Stubble pricked my face, giving me pause. I dialed up my mind and tried to think. I’d seen mustachioed women. It’s not unusual. Bearded women are freak shows, but they’re out there. Maybe she’s hirsute. There’re more than three million cases in the United States per year, after all.

I suddenly realized why her hair was so thick. It was a fucking wig. I unclasped our lips and stretched.

“Well, I think it’s about that time. I should be going.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”

I gathered my trunks and my shoes and made for the door without the blindfold. I could still feel his stubble on my face.

God fucking damn it, this is absolute bullshit. Christy lied to me. No wonder I couldn’t stay hard. It’s not that he’s a man. It’s that he’s a liar. No scruples. I wanted to look the greedy cock whore in the eyes and tell him or her or whatever the fuck to learn some fucking manners.

I opened the door and stood a moment on the midnight sill of our blue dream. I didn’t know what to say, but I had to know what he looked like.

I turned around and tripped the light. The apartment ignited like a jack-o’-lantern. Jagged shadows climbed the walls like smoke. Christy hid in his hands and charged me. I tried to grab his wrists.

“Are you not a man?”

“No, gross!”

He definitely sounded like a dude imitating a teeny bopper. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice. I guess I heard what I wanted to hear. Christy almost shut me out, but I wedged myself in the door and tried to break back in.

“You’re a man!”

“No I’m not!”

“Admit you’re a man!”


I drew back and the door slammed. Locks tinkled and clumped and clicked. I might have thrown a fit, but I suddenly feared for my life. I hurried toward the elevator, eyeballs dangling over my shoulders.


I taxied through the streets in a daze. I was far away from home and I didn’t know my way around the city.

Suppose he had drilled a hole in my skull and drowned my brain in detergent. I pictured my grandma and grandpa. What would they have thought had my mummified cock turned up in a tranny’s fridge? Whatever, doesn’t really matter.

But that faggot ass motherfucker should hang. I’ll stake out his building until I see a man in a dress and…what? Quarrel like lovers in the street? Smash out his teeth with a brick? Jesus, what’s the matter with you? Let it go, you fucking retard. Just let it go.

Deep in the Northwoods, the hodag cries because it’s ugly. Bitter tears become jewels in the dirt. Crashing blindly through the trees, the hodag startles a sleeping porcupine. The hodag pins the porcupine and slides a serrated claw across its throat. The hodag grins at the scent of blood and drags the porcupine to Hell.