Mr. and Mrs. England live in a house. Mr. England has to service all of Mrs. England’s needs. Day after day, he has to service Mrs. England, and he’s not very good at it. Mr. England prefers mowing the lawn. Mr. England has the best lawn on the whole street, but poor Mrs. England, she’s not very happy. Yes, the lawn is nice, but Mrs. England wishes Mr. England would take an interest in other things. Sometimes Mr. England takes weeks to service all Mrs. England’s needs, and even then, it’s not a good job. It’s a rushed, slapdash job that does not really satisfy Mrs. England, and then Mr. England is back cutting the grass.

Mr. and Mrs. England have neighbours. Next door lives Mr. and Mrs. France. Mr. England does not like Mr. France; Mr. France’s lawn is a disgrace. But Mr. France is very good at servicing Mrs. France’s needs. Mrs. England has an idea, and tells Mr. England. He thinks it’s a great idea, and so do Mr. and Mrs. France. Mr. England will mow Mr. France’s lawn, and Mr. France will service Mrs. England’s needs. The two couples agree to give it a go. Mr. England does an excellent job mowing Mr. France’s lawn, and Mr. France services Mrs. England like she’s never been serviced before. Mr. France services Mrs. England’s brains out. Mr. France still has plenty of time and energy to service Mrs. France because he’s not wasting time mowing the lawn. Mrs. England is always happy when Mr. France services her. Mr. France’s lawn is beautiful; well done, Mr. England. Mr. England is happy because he does not have to service Mrs. England. Mrs. England is happy because Mr. France is providing a service. Everyone is happy.

Next door to Mr. and Mrs. France live Mr. and Mrs. Italy. Mr. Italy would like his grass cut too, and is happy to offer his services to Mrs. England. They all agree. Mr. Italy services Mrs. England and Mrs. France. Mr. France services Mrs. Italy and Mrs. England. Mr. England cuts the grass.

Mr. England is happy, Mrs. France is happy, Mr. Italy is happy, Mr. France is happy, Mrs. Italy is happy, Mrs. England is happy.

Next door to Mr. and Mrs. Italy live Mr. and Mrs. Germany. Mrs. Germany has enormous breasts. Mr. France and Mr. Italy would like to service Mrs. Germany. Mr. Germany would like to service Mrs. France and Mrs. Italy. Mr. France and Mr. Italy agree, but only if Mr. Germany helps Mr. England cut the lawn. Mr. England does not want Mr. Germany to cut the grass, but he is happy for Mr. Germany to service Mrs England.

More and more of the neighbours join the little group. Mr. and Mrs. Poland, Mr. and Mrs. Spain, Mr. and Mrs. Slovakia and lots more. Everyone services everyone else, but poor Mr. England. Now there are too many lawns for him to mow.

Mr. Germany buys a petrol mower. He can mow all the lawns in no time and still service Mrs. France. Poor Mr. England does not get to mow the lawns any more. Mr. Germany is happy to service Mrs. England sometimes, but now he and Mr. Italy and Mr. France are servicing Mrs. Poland and Mrs. Slovakia and Mrs. Hungary. Because Mr. England can’t mow the lawns, Mrs. England does not get a proper service any more.

Everyone is happy except Mr. and Mrs. England.

Mr. England hates Mr. Germany. Mr. Germany keeps kicking his football into Mr. England’s back garden. That makes Mr. England very cross. Mr. England wants to fight Mr Germany.

“Remember the war,” he shouts.

But Mr. Germany just laughs and drives his petrol-driven mower up and down the street drinking lager and waving his dick.

Mr. England has had enough. Mrs. England is not getting enough, and so they decide to move. They move to the next street, near to Mr. England’s cousin, Mr. America. No one really likes Mr. America, because Mr. America is an arsehole.

Mr. America does not like his neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Mexico. Mr. Mexico keeps coming over while Mr. America is away and humping Mrs. America and giving her cocaine. Mr. America is very angry and so is Mr. England.

Everyone else is happy.

So the moral of this story is that free trade is like a great big swinger’s party. It’s great if you have a big cock and don’t mind watching your wife being fucked by other guys. If, on the other hand, you’re Mr. America or Mr. England; not so good.