“Hey, Dean, are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, Ed, I guess so.”

Damn…is Dean chickening out? We’ve talked about this for weeks and he seemed all set over lunch last weekend when we finalized the plan. Can’t do this alone: it’s a two-man job.

“Is there a problem, Dean? I mean, we both agreed this would be the ultimate thing on our bucket lists. There isn’t that much time left for us: we’re two old guys in our eighties and we can’t even be sure we’ll be upright six months from now.”

“I know. It’s just that I have a hard time reconciling my pre-retirement professional life with this bank robbery thing we’re trying to pull off. Yeah, it’s for sure stimulating and exciting, but I have a hard time thinking of myself as a wannabe John Dillinger at my age.”

“For Christ’s sake, Dean, remember: we’re not doing it for the money. It’s the adventure and excitement, and it will surpass anything we’ve done before on our lists. Remember, we’re only going to tap the bank’s till for a few bucks and they’ll eventually get it back one way or another. It never was intended as a way to get a big payday. You and I both know it’s just a small-town bank and we don’t plan to hurt the local depositors.”

“Okay, Ed, let’s get on with it.”

He’s still hesitating, but I think he’ll be alright once we get moving. It’s hilarious…two old farts with baseball caps and sweats riding bikes to go rob a bank. Hell, most people would look at us and think it’s just great we can even get around…probably wondering why we’re not in a nursing home…a couple of bank robbers would be the furthest thing from their minds.   

“I’m sure glad we got these Schwinns, but, nice as they are, Dean, remember we have to ditch them at the Hennessy Park bike stand where there are a bunch of other bikes. From there, it’s less than a block to the bank and we can get in from the side entrance. And remember when we exit to toss your baseball cap into the city waste receptacle outside the bank, along with that fake moustache and our Ray-Ban sunglasses.  Likewise, the bag to stash the dough is just for show and we’ll ditch it as well. They won’t recognize us once we’ve disposed of the bikes and our disguises. Let’s go!”

I can’t believe I’m riding a bike…good thing I practiced. Gawd, Dean must really be out of shape the way he’s huffing and puffing. I hope he doesn’t croak on me. Hey, there’s the bike stand ahead…it’s nearly filled…will be hard to identify ours among all the others.

“Okay, Dean, let’s park the bikes and start walking. Keep your iPhone in your hip pocket so people will think the bulge is a gun when we enter the bank.”

“You’re in charge, Ed.”

That’s a really ornate door for a side entrance. What an old-fashioned bank. Robbing this joint is going to be a piece of cake…I can see only one teller and two customers in line…Dean needs to remember to stay at the side door entrance…gotta have a quick getaway. It’s time to go in and introduce ourselves.


That young teller looks scared shitless…can’t be much older than twenty.

“Miss, we’re not going to hurt you, but we’re armed, so don’t do anything crazy or try to set off the silent alarm. We’re not greedy: just take out a handful of twenties and tens and put them in this bag…NOW!”

Poor thing looks like she like nearly peed in her panties. I’ve got the cash…now it’s time to move out.

“OUT THE DOOR, DEAN!” There’s the trash receptacle; toss everything into it, including that stupid moustache. We pulled it off. Now let’s stroll on home like we’re two oldsters on a leisurely walk and no one will think we just robbed the bank.”

Shit, there’s a police siren…the cop is getting out of his squad car…heading toward us. There’s some onlookers taking it in…wouldn’t you know!

“Okay, you two, get in the back of my police vehicle, I’m taking you down to the station. You must have the IQs of a gnat; I’ve never come across a dumber pair of bank robbers. Your disguises and modus operandi wouldn’t pass muster in the worst Keystone Cops movie. And you know how we got onto you? Didn’t you see the banners around town proclaiming this Senior Citizens Day? When our local news reporter saw you cycling into town, he followed you all the way to the bank to do a story on two shining examples of senior-citizen vigor. He got on his cell phone to me as soon as he saw your feeble robbery in progress; I was parked on a side street a hundred yards away from the bank. And all for what…less than $200?”

Time to fess up.

“Officer, permit me to introduce ourselves and explain. My friend Dean and I were employed by movie director David Lowery to pull off a senior-citizen bank robbery as a dry-run prototype for his film The Old Man and the Gun. It’s based on the life of the famous 74 year-old bank robber Forrest Tucker, starring Robert Redford in the lead role and is planned to release in late 2018. His idea was to gauge the actual impact of a bank robbery on the citizenry of a small town, as well as its law enforcement officials and town newspaper. Dean and I agreed to do the robbery to experience the thrill of a bucket list adventure but with a minimum of risk. However, we obviously didn’t get very far with this heist, so there won’t be much material for purposes of the movie.

“Mr. Lowery has advised us he intends to compensate the bank for the few bucks we took, include its name in the movie credits, and give generous cash stipends to the teller and any customers who were caught up in the robbery. His publicity department will also see to it that this story is on major television outlets and newspapers so the town can bask in some notoriety.

“Here’s Mr. Lowery’s phone number. He is expecting your call.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see. You’re still going down to the station. I’ll make my calls and check out your cockamamie story there. Get in back.”

Does he believe me…or not?