“So that’s how you became a couple?” the guest asked from his chair.

“That’s right, Rod; we met each other in a hospital on Christmas Day, a true miracle.”

“I will never forget how he finally gave me faith in Christ.”

“I don’t wanna show pride, but the fact I did what I did shows I truly am blessed with the spirits of Jesus Christ, James Mason, and Alex Jones.”

“Oh, it wasn’t just what you did, it’s what you showed live on that night. You know, I used to live in the middle of nowhere just like you, but when I saw you take back your city and cancel the apocalypse, I knew I had to return to my society as well. I have a new book I’d like to promote inspired by your work, called Religious Hipster: Why it’s So Hard for Some People to Settle Down on Faith.”

“By ‘some people,’ you just mean you and your dwindling supply of readers until I saved your career.”

“He really pulls no punches,” she commented while cutting the roast beef.

“It’s how we got here,” he commented to Rod.

A baby tugged at her dress, mouth wide open. She swooped the child with one hand while opening her dress with the other, revealing what was now a bodybuilder’s set of bricks, blocks, and bumps where Rod expected a common feminine form.

He fell to the bottom of the floor, unable to believe he had just gotten to see Catholic breastfeeding in action. “You just do that in the open while other people are watching!?”

“This is why I could take back the root, and you were a root until I saved you,” he replied while praying the rosary.

“So it’s not degenerate to breastfeed outside the designated breastfeeding chambers I proposed to the President in my ‘Letter to Save America?’”

“It’s not degenerate if you’re not masturbating.”

“But nudity is porn and porn rewires your brain like heroin!”

“Does your wife rewire your brain like heroin?”

“Well, no, but it’s not like I ever look at her nu—“

“Imagine having sex without looking your partner in the eye. Sounds as gay as kissing when both of you have a face diaper.”

“Okay, point taken; how about we just re-watch that livestream where you saved the world, specifically?”


The home theater showed a stream running down the 19th floor of a hospital, while the text above showed “Did the Nephilim Forget Their Basketball When They Finally Unfroze from Antarctica?” only to see the giant bouncing ball dissolve instantaneously as if it were salt in water. “Oops just melted it lol”

“Beautiful. By the way, what’s your wife’s workout regimen?”

“Single-dose diet of Day 1,001 NoFap semen, full of so much protein you just become ripped from getting filled with it.”

“Really?” Rod looked down at his NoFap card, seeing a scribble that he updated every day.

It read a meager 776.