READY IN…5…..4…..3…..2…

Good evening.

In a bizarre set of circumstances, the White House Security Detail, Secret Service Protection Detail, and the White House Physician’s Office responded to an incident in the Oval Office at 11:00 P.M. yesterday evening. Information from the official press office at 1600 has been virtually nonexistent. No announcements were made, nor did that office respond to questions. However, reporting based upon sources in the West Wing now confirm what appears to be a medical emergency. We have no information as to the nature or seriousness of the emergency. Nor do we have information about person or persons involved. We will break in as we learn more about this medical emergency at the White House.


As the nation reeled from the last presidential election outcome, each person and each organization developed their own unique strategy to deal with the new normal in America and, by extension, the world. Comedians joked and poked at the object of their derision; hosts of late-night television vacillated between sarcastic, pointed monologues and painfully tearful diatribes spoken into the camera. Barbershops and beer halls became the impromptu town-hall meetings for a new understanding of American democracy and constitutional law. Parks and sidewalks and streets became the parade grounds for the new militia marching through this American life. The name of this most unlikely candidate to ever slip into such a position of power, the branding of the family business, and the political messaging from the official office instantly became so co-mingled, as did the tax money, citizens were unable to distinguish between private and public interests.

Every organization except one became totally absorbed with the sheer force of the personality in the top office. The world news organizations abandoned journalistic norms in writing about the man at the top. Newsmen, editors, owners, managers all agreed as if a policy manual had been distributed, like an addition to the style manual had been added.

Almost as a lockstep unit, the world-wide body of legitimate news outlets stopped covering the hijinks of the occupant at 1600. Recognizing the psychosis of that occupant, the obvious narcissism, the infantile behavior patterns of the man-child, the petulance and pettiness of the flawed personality, newsrooms worldwide just stopped saying his name.

Realizing too late the role the media played in his election by providing free publicity as they repeated endlessly every crazy thing he uttered, they also realized the positive reinforcement when he heard his name repeated as he dominated every TV broadcast all day every day.  One young journalist in a small market found an old Playboy interview with him when he was a young man-about-town and had enough money to be interesting. The intriguing detail in the fluff-piece interview was his insight into mass media manipulation. He told the interviewer, “It is the Don show, all day every day. And the entire world is tuning in.” As the young journalist distributed the quote to fellow news professionals, newsrooms nationwide shut off all references to the person in the West Wing.

The practice began as a limit on the free publicity inadvertently given to a public figure canny enough to understand mass manipulation, a public figure with a flair for exciting crowds of followers, one with experience in gathering TV ratings. A simple and innocent practice, print and broadcast journalists buried any reference to the antics of the West Wing. More importantly, no reporter referred to him by last name or title. TV anchors dropped in references such as “Donnie flailed around again today, but in more important news elsewhere…” Quickly, the practice grew into the universal identifier: Little Donnie. The movement grew from a legitimate desire not to be played as rubes for free airtime into a weaponized strategy to seriously affect the man’s psyche.

As the practice of non-reporting began to have a noticeable effect, Donnie became more erratic in public, vacillating between visibly subdued and wildly antagonistic. The self-defense strategy of limiting the amount of free airtime had turned into a game with dark undercurrents of sadistic pleasure and rumors of office betting pools or stories of drinking games based on his demeanor at rare public appearances. Descriptions of his comportment were traded by back channel sources and deep informants, since the press no longer attended nor reported on the ridiculous events conducted by the White House propaganda machine. His pathologies now matched his bumbling incompetence and monumental, willful ignorance.

Little Donnie continued to demonstrate the full range of psychosis about which the psychiatric community refused to comment. He went quietly mad hunkered down in the residence until an incident so startling it demanded to be let out on the air; an incident not manipulated by Little Donnie, not played for his personal aggrandizement or gain. A rare bird indeed, an actual “news item” deserving proper reporting, even demanding the revival of such a tired phrase as “breaking news.”


Ready in 5……4……3……2…

Good morning.

We can now report the incident occurring in the West Wing yesterday evening involved Little Donnie suffering several minor injuries as well as a broken arm from a fall. Aides heard a loud noise and rushed into the Oval Office to find him crumpled behind the Resolute Desk. Sources deep within the administration have hinted at more sinister details, however.

This just in.

Multiple trusted sources now tell us that the fall was not accidental. Little Donnie fashioned a noose of sorts and put it around his neck, tied the rope to a drawer pull on the Resolute Desk, climbed on top, and attempted to leap to his death 36 inches below.

In more pressing matters, a man was bitten by a dog in New York City today…