Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert: Future

By 2075, men’s rooms will be equipped with women. There’ll be an extra stall or two where you can get your dick sucked while another guy takes a dump a few inches away. The booth/stall will be about the size of those dollhouses you used to be able to find in smut shops in New York or San Francisco, but with glory holes. In the middle of a hard day of work, you’ll be allowed to excuse yourself to get head in order to clear your head.

How we get there requires a bit of backstory, so bear with me.

The future won’t be any good, you know; it’s gonna be like last year, but a little worse. Go listen to Mark Fisher if you haven’t already. Every job but the most cognitively taxing and creatively demanding will be taken over by robots. They call it the Rust Belt now because at least there’s something left, but in another few decades, the rust will be gone too. A few decades after that and it’ll be a stretch to even call it “the Belt.” Factories will run themselves. Fast food jobs will just be tablets. Waitressing will be a sea of robots. Cars will drive themselves and freight will ship itself. There aren’t even going to be fucking mailmen left. The working masses? Well, if you’re done listening to the aforementioned (and tragically late) hauntologist, go listen to “Careers in Combat” by Parquet Courts.

The bourgeoisie won’t change, of course. Maybe not even the petit bourgeoisie either. But the entire middle class is going to be stuck in “content marketing,” “micro-demographic targeted advertising,” and “online curation.” If you think it’s bad now that the economy is just us selling each other plastic junk and shitty food, just wait until all the economy is just us trying to sell each other self-improvement YouTube series and opinion journals. Greater narcissism and polarization will be the rat race’s ultimate goal, and everyone with an IQ between 105 and 125 will participate.

Ever worked in those fields of the future? I have, and they fucking exhaust you. Your brain is zapped by the day’s end, but you haven’t used your body at all, so you can’t sleep. When you go home, all you can really manage to do is passively consume media. Luckily, there are tons of other people like you working in “content marketing,” “micro-demographic targeted advertising,” and “online curation,” so it’s really easy to find a TV show or artsy Tumblr blog that you like. You take that in for a few hours while you use your phone to order food and sex, and then at night, you lay in bed and ask yourself how many other people feel as empty as you do.

You come up with all sorts of tricks to stay awake and creative at work. I hear that on the West Coast, folks micro-dose acid. I was on the East Coast, and by the end, what I came up with was:

When the alarm clock goes off, get up and take a 200 mg caffeine pill and 5 mg of Adderall.
Turn the alarm clock off and go back to bed.
Wake up with a rush in five or ten minutes.
Watch porn on my phone while stuck in traffic for forty minutes. For the record, this was not unsafe: forty minutes of my commute was just not moving at all on one highway.
Get to work and drink two cups of shitty Keurig coffee.
Go out to lunch to try and unplug.
Drink two more cups of shitty Keurig coffee after lunch.

What would have been much, much better was a blowjob. Two on bad days. Cumming clears your head and perks up your mood. In the future, whatever sexual mores we still have with us today will be gone completely. The President will be polyamorous and everyone will be bisexual. Movie stars will talk about their genital piercings on the red carpet and PBS will have dramas with incest plotlines. Couple that with the complete absence of work for stupid people—and the complete absence of fulfilling work for smart people—and why not have blowjob boxes in the bathroom?

Imagine all the women out of work. No waitressing or cleaning jobs left. Less and less receptionist gigs too, as the robots get better and better. Minimal childcare as well: you think fertility rates are gonna go up again any time soon? Sure, there’ll be sexbots by then, but with so little work for uneducated women, it’ll be a long time before they become cheaper than the legions of organic pussies looking for work. Ask yourself how much cheaper a robot would have to be than a real woman for you to fuck it first, if both were equally available. And with affirmative consent being the only sexual morality imaginable for the foreseeable future, both will be equally available. Yeah, being a prostitute is demeaning, but so is office work. (Also, having no money is demeaning.) Have I ever had to suck a dick for money? No. But you haven’t ever had to rewrite the same fundraising email a dozen times because your boss hates you, then have it raise no money when it gets sent. It’s fucking demeaning. I wouldn’t lie to you.

But in the future, when the marketing email from Hell bombs, after getting chewed out by my boss, I’ll be allowed to go to the bathroom and blow a load to feel better. In a way, it might be the purest form of conscious capitalism: I hate my job, so I throat-fuck a stranger to feel better. I won’t feel guilty about what I’ve done because I’ll say to myself, “You know, that sweet girl would probably be homeless if it weren’t for my escapism. Every time I pull out and shoot into her flared nostrils, I’m helping her to learn how to code.” It won’t be true, of course. But it’ll feel like it, and feelings matter more than facts.

The sex will always be raunchy and vindictive too. Ever hate-fucked a stranger? Probably not; right now, that’s really just the purview of sociopathic rapists. But in the future, we’ll be able to as well. Imagine your worst day at work, and what you’d do to a woman unknown to you to feel better. It’s gonna get weird. Imagining it now, I figure I’d take a dump before heading into the blowjob box without washing my hands. I’d put my fingers up the girl’s nose while she sucked me off. When she needed to inhale, I’d pull the fingers out and put them in her mouth so she could taste my cock and my shit at the same time. I’d call her “mom” just to make her feel uncomfortable. After I shot, I’d have her hock up my cum into my hands and have her lap it back up, maybe snort it with a dollar bill or something.

Sound crazy? Sound way fucked up? Is there something wrong with me? Would no one else do this? I dunno. But ask yourself where Internet comments come from. Some of it is kids fucking around, but most of it is just the planet trying to blow off some steam after work. Why leave nasty comments about what the Constitution really means when you could just blow a load in the back of some random skull? If we all get insanely mad online, why wouldn’t we get insanely sadistic with whores? Not to mention the influence of RedTube. Do you think porn is going to chill out between now and the future? Get real, my guy.

Bitches in blowjob boxes will solve so many problems from a bird’s eye view. Men will be more content at work. Women will have an employment option to paper over the wave of automation. Family life will become more pacific with the breadwinner less pissed off when he gets home. Consent will reign. Boatloads of cheeky/cutesy/edgy memoirs and TV shows will come out about it. Teens will think it’s so cool to read the recollections of a feminist blowjob box bitch who went on to become a producer for Netflix. The homage Tumblr blogs about her will be grand.

It’ll feel good too, the blowjobs. My life sucks now; I already work in marketing and pay too much rent. But I don’t get afternoon blowjobs. All the women who should be doing that for me are too busy dying of fentanyl overdoses in Herbert Hoover’s hometown. So if you’re feeling down and out, don’t worry: the future is cumming.