February 3, 2017

Right out of the gate, nearly every subject expressed a burning desire to perform fellatio on Chancellor Merkel. A linear regression analysis of all responses led us to conclude decisively that this was a product of her flexibility, girth, and familiarity with quantum chemistry.

February 7, 2017

Attempts to incentivize and reward subjects for their impulses to perform cunnilingus on Chancellor Merkel have proved ineffective. The desire to perform cunnilingus on the Chancellor is muted across the entire subject population, irrespective of demographic particularities.

February 24, 2017

Analysis of “cum tributes” to Chancellor Merkel remain inconclusive. Splatter patterns vary widely. The last fortnight has seen archipelagos, dollops, and outright misses. Some colleagues here at the center now believe that each new sample is nothing more than a Rorschach test for the rest of us.

March 10, 2017

Today, during a cum tribute, a subject’s penis chaffed so much that the skin broke and he began to bleed onto his photo of Chancellor Merkel. The patient still managed to ejaculate successfully a few minutes after he began to bleed. In the subsequent analysis, my assistant named this sample “Rivers of Blood.” For some reason, the whole ordeal is haunting my thoughts.

March 31, 2017

Thorough interviews of the subjects have now begun in earnest. A brief breakdown:

  • 96 percent cannot remember what color her blouse is.
  • 82 percent would like to see breast augmentation surgery.
  • 71 percent want her to appear smarter, and suggest thick glasses.
  • 65 percent want a new picture of her, a record low for this kind of experiment.
  • 53 percent wish they could utilize fecal matter during their cum tributes.
  • 40 percent asked if the reason they were being questioned was because of their HIV status.
  • 36 percent became despondent before the halfway point of the interview.
  • 29 percent asked for a glass of water.
  • 18 percent requested photos of Ulrike Meinhof.
  • 9 percent expressed complete contentedness.

April 15, 2017

Last night, I found myself masturbating to thoughts of the Chancellor. Both the ramifications and origins of this occurrence are unclear to me.

May 5, 2017

A few subjects have now broached the topic of race. The suggestion box has been flooded with requests that Chancellor Merkel don a hijab. Orgasms are reached twice as fast when a subject is told of liaisons between swarthy Arab men and Germany’s leader. Orgasms are reached three times as fast when the other half of the liaison is a Nigerian.

May 25, 2017

Perversion has engulfed the subjects entirely. Gangbangs have become the most common fantasy, invariably with many terrorist participants. Some colleagues are beginning to question the ethics of this undertaking.

June 1, 2017

Today, a subject ate his own cum and then pledged allegiance to Ayatollah Khomeini.

June 7, 2017

Two-thirds of the subjects are now adherents to Islam. Heart palpitations are much more pronounced in these subjects.

July 6, 2017

Funding has now been cut effective immediately. The fate of the subjects remains unclear.

August 1, 2017

The country’s increased rate of terrorist attacks and timing of the release of the subjects cannot be a coincidence.

August 7, 2017

No amount of semen can wash away these sins. May God forgive us.


For all installments from Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert, click here.

Previous installments:

  1. I Can’t Draw
  2. Avant-Garde
  3. First
  4. Stupid
  5. Faces
  6. Wasted
  7. Your Idea
  8. Two-Thirds
  9. Trick
  10. A Poem
  11. Blurred Reality and Legal
  12. An Exchange
  13. About July Fourth
  14. Matter
  15. Taste and Dream
  16. Where Have You Cum?
  17. While You Were Speaking
  18. Why I Lie
  19. Another Poem
  20. The Oval Office
  21. Remembering and Normal
  22. Impossible But Desired
  23. Youth
  24. Prison
  25. Crying and Reactions
  26. On Piss
  27. Words Can Hurt and Dirty Marxist
  28. Future
  29. Bottom
  30. What Do I Think About While Watching Porn?
  31. Bedtime
  32. No and Diary
  33. On Milk
  34. What Makes Mike Adriano Great?