George Washington?
Wooden teeth, definitely head.
John Adams?
Solid black latex. For his family, of course.
Thomas Jefferson?
Ménage à trois! Dude was a player and a Frenchie.
James Madison?
Guy was way too serious. Some vanilla shit.
James Monroe?
Masturbation, plain and simple. Homeboy never did have a sparring partner.
John Quincy Adams?
Hairy, he was so emancipatory.
Andrew Jackson?
Paddle.
Martin van Buren?
The mediocre rebound…cheap velour cuffs.
William Henry Harrison?
Pshh. That premature ejaculator doesn’t even count.
John Tyler?
Way too indecisive, didn’t bother.
James K. Polk?
Whip.
Zachary Taylor?
Every girl loves a man in uniform, and let’s face it: guy had nothing else going for him, so definitely sexy military garb.
Millard Fillmore?
Ugh. Bottom-of-the-list booty call. Next!
Franklin Pierce?
Hogtied.
James Buchanan?
Who?
Abraham Lincoln?
Candles, but a misuser of them. Would not go again.
Andrew Johnson?
Eager to please, so whatever I felt like that day.
Ulysses S. Grant?
Full bondage.
Rutherford B. Hayes?
Every time my ex Sam would pull a Houdini on me, I saw that guy.
James A. Garfield?
Couldn’t get it up.
Chester A. Arthur?
His pops was a fucking Baptist minister. By which I mean: yes, he dressed me up as a nun.
Grover Cleveland?
Total dom.
Benjamin Harrison?
A cock just like his grandpa’s.
Grover Cleveland?
Doms never die.
William McKinley?
Wouldn’t know, he only went after Latina babes.
Teddy Roosevelt?
…rough ride.
William Howard Taft?
Made me a BBW.
Woodrow Wilson?
Such an academic. Made me a sexy librarian.
Warren Harding?
Can’t recall. Name sounds promising, though.
Calvin Coolidge?
Ball gag.
Herbert Hoover?
Snowball, duh.
FDR?
Didn’t you hear? Died in bed.
Harry Truman?
Put me in a kimono and took me ass-to-mouth.
Dwight Eisenhower?
Shaved me completely.
JFK?
Wouldn’t stop calling me “Marilyn.”
LBJ?
Blumpkin.
Richard Nixon?
Really think about the connotations of the word “tricky.”
Gerald Ford?
Fuck ‘em and forget ‘em.
Jimmy Carter?
The accent really got me.
Ronald Reagan?
Constant role-playing.
George H.W. Bush?
Had me call him “daddy.”
Bill Clinton?
Pedophile.
George W. Bush?
Promised a lot, delivered next to nothing.
Barack Obama?
First BBC.
Donald Trump?
Rape.
***
“The Oval Office” is an excerpt from Richard Power’s new memoir, Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert. You can purchase the book from Terror House Press here.
Richard Power is the author of Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert, available from Terror House Press.
