The Races

As should be clear by now, I am straight. So all of the below applies to women and women only.

Blacks

Not attractive. Yeah, that’s a typical opinion, but I don’t even find the typical exceptions that prove the rule attractive. Ethiopians are not attractive. Their weird infusion of ancient Arabian blood really does nothing to improve the general situation. Granted, Ethiopians are better than Somalis, who are one of the ugliest peoples on God’s green earth, with their indented temples and shockingly scrawny frames. But that is not a compliment. Asian men are hotter than Somali women, so Ethiopians really need to drop their “best of the Horn of Africa” ego trip.

Mulattoes and “white” black girls are also not an exception. Sure, they are less ugly than normal blacks, but not in any meaningful way. The analogy here is seven-year olds and eleven-year olds. Neither are attractive, as I’m not a pedophile. However, eleven year olds are “more attractive” than their younger counterparts simply because they are not quite so young. Prepubescents are ever so slightly more like adult women than toddlers, so I guess if I had to fuck a child, I would prefer to fuck the oldest kid available. Wouldn’t you? That is not to say they are attractive. Same goes for blacks. If I had to fuck a black, I’d go for the least black black I could find. That is not an endorsement. A small handful of blacks are aesthetically pleasing, granted. Halle Berry, for example. But she isn’t “hot,” she is just enjoyable to look at the way a hot rod or beautiful painting are. That’s the nicest thing I can say about their lot.

South Asians

Also not attractive. They are all weirdly doughy looking and I do not care for the roundness of their eyes or cheeks. Their particular skin tone is also terrible. It’s the color of shit, after all. In this regard, Africans actually have better skin color than subcontinental Indians. It absolutely blows me away that there is any miscegenation whatsoever with these people.

Aborigines

Even including them as a category in this list represents a compromise I’m not terribly comfortable with. If I ever visit Australia, I am going to pull an Indiana Jones and declare, “They belong in a museum!” Really, they do. I’m sure genetic historians could learn all sorts of things about them, and they ought to before these dummies go extinct. Anyway, do you have erotic feelings about what anthropological digs turn up? I sure don’t.

East Asians

How’s this for a news flash: clichés exist because of the truths at their base. Girls found between Bangladesh and the Pacific Ocean—and between Indonesia and the northernmost tip of Siberia—tend to be hot. The porcelain skin, the delicate features, the silky black hair do it for me. This affinity gets plenty of shit tossed at it, but ask yourself: ever met an Asian chick with a big, ugly nose? Doesn’t happen. Yes, they have no tits, but that’s fine, as tits are for kids. So long as they can squirt milk and have reasonably colored nipples, they are good to go. Asians are also short and flexible, and that other stereotype about them is true as well: the pussy is insanely tight. You can make a very strong case that half-white, half-East Asian girls are the hottest on the planet. Let’s hear it for hybrid vigor!

I will admit, though, as I have gotten older, my interest in them has waned. Between the ages of, say, 13 and 15, I was obsessed with them, but every year since then, the interest has minimized just a bit. Interestingly, this is not all that uncommon: I’ve met a few guys now that followed the small gentle downward slope. Does that mean that in another twenty years, I’ll barely be interested at all? Maybe it does; I’m curious to find out.

Arabs

They are hot. Don’t let your childhood indoctrination by neocons make you think otherwise. Everyone agrees that Mediterranean white girls are hot (e.g. Italians, Spaniards, Frenchies, Greeks). Well, guess what? Arab chicks are the other side of the same sea. This does not mean Afghanis are hot (they aren’t), since they are not Arabs or Middle Eastern in any sense of the term. Nor does it mean Algerians with plenty of black admixture are hot; after all, a Greek girl with a black grandmother would not be worth anybody’s time. But Egyptians, Syrians, Palestinians, etc. have all got it going on. Same with all the nearby non-Arab peoples, like Persians and Turks. One day, all those stupid burqas are gonna come off and we’re all gonna get off.

Central Asians

This is the category for Afghanis and all those other countries named “Stan” that no one cares about, plus the Uighurs, which even fewer people care about. Do you know what chicks from Tajikistan look like? I sure don’t, and I feel dumb Googling “chicks from Tajikistan” to try and find out, and the results would be a far cry from an accurate sample anyway. I’ve heard a lot of people say that Arabs/Middle Easterners are the final frontier of porn. I disagree. They will arrive on the scene way before Uzbeks do. People at least know what the hell an Arab is, which means you just gotta market it right. How can you market a porno with an unknown race in it? I mean, I’ve got a few ideas, but I don’t think those taglines would survive much scrutiny in our fine epoch where you can legally film teenagers performing ass-to-mouth but can never ever seem maybe a little bit racist. Anyway, the jury is still out on these people.

Incas, Mayans, Aztecs

What a bunch of uggos. Seriously. It’s crazy that the pioneering Spaniards and Portuguese miscegenated but the British, French, and Dutch did not. It should have been the exact other way around. Who in the world gets a bigger boner for a Mayan than a Cherokee?

All the Indians south of the Rio Grande are short, squat, oddly-proportioned, have beady little eyes, hair like straw, pinched faces, and permanent scowls. To be clear, I am not here talking about the typical admixture between Europeans and these tribes that we generally call “Hispanic,” I’m talking about the pure Indians themselves. Like the ones from Apocalypto. I said earlier how much I disliked subcontinental Indians, but at least they are ugly in a neutral way. When I look at them, I think, “No way,” the same way I do when I look at a Toyota Camry. It ain’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination, but whatever. The Indians of Latin America, however, are more like the reaction I have when I see roadkill.

Indians North of the Rio Grande

Generally speaking: hot. Their skin is a unique variety of that “off-white” that makes Mediterraneans and Arab chicks so hot. Their hair, unsurprisingly, is more like that of their East Asian cousins, which is to say long and dark and beautiful. As with most “big” races, they vary quite a bit, like whites or Arabs, but both the medians and the peaks are worthy of an ogle and a lay. It’s not lost on me just how many of the undeniably hottest porn stars who are white are also just a little bit of Indian as well.

Interesting side note: I once met this super racist guy who told me that at the end of the Mexican-American War, some hardcore racist senator from the South gave a speech in Congress literally saying we should be careful how much land we take from Mexico because it’s filled with Indians that would become our problem. Apparently, he went on to say that Americans should keep in mind that the Indians in Mexico were way dumber and generally shittier than our Indians. That racist asshole was right, but probably in more ways than he knew.

Whites

Everyone talks about white girls all the time. It’s endless. And everybody knows that everybody wants to fuck them, so the fact that we’re always talking about them makes absolutely no sense. That’s it.

Writing a Blink-182 Song

The trouble with this exercise is that they’ve all already been written. I wonder if maybe I’d be able to write them, had Blink-182 never been. I doubt it, though.

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“The Races” and “Writing a Blink-182 Song” are excerpts from Richard Power’s new memoir, Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert. You can purchase the book from Terror House Press here.

Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert