I’ve already covered most of the characters in my gym, but one creeper rules them all. The lord and master of all Gym Weirdos is Pine Sol Guy.
I don’t use the word “creepy” lightly, but Pine Sol Guy is one creepy fuck. The dude lives in his creep van, which is usually parked/broken down in the gym parking lot. This innovative amalgamation of both transportation and housing features metal grating welded over every window to “ward off theft” (aka prevent escape). There’s also a thick layer of insulation, because in space Pine Sol Guy’s van, no one can hear you scream. The guy doesn’t even have the grace to park his van down by the river, since he waits until closing time to invite the desk girls back to his van for drinks.
Pine Sol Guy spends four plus hours per day in the gym alternately napping on benches, performing obscene yoga moves, half-assing cardio, or inappropriately groping his 65-year-old fossil of a girlfriend. On less-frequent occasions, you’ll catch him placing Casual Encounters ads on his foot-thick Windows 95 laptop, scamming on the personal trainers, dying his hair Oompa-Loompa orange, or admiring his beer gut in the mirror.
All this is bad enough, but the dude’s greatest offense is his shower behavior. Pine Sol Guy never closes the shower curtain, instead preferring to shave his balls in full view of the entire locker room. Once he’s finished showering, our homeless homie refuses to use a towel. He shakes off like a dog, then helicopters the excess water off his dick and arms with a weird twisting motion. The coup de grace is a series of deep knee bends in which he faces anyone in the room and dilates his asshole at them. The WTF parade comes to a close when Pine Sol Guy stinks up the entire locker room with gallons of bottom-shelf cologne that smells like floor cleaner (hence the nickname “Pine Sol Guy”). Seriously, the fucker reeks up the place so badly that walking into the gym burns your lungs.
After calling him out on his behavior several times, I finally had enough of Pine Sol Guy’s stench, penis puppetry, and general bullshit attitude. I marched up to the general manager and spent ten minutes telling him to throw Pine Sol Guy’s ass out of the gym because even the gayest guy on earth doesn’t want to see this much dick. Turns out about ten other guys (and a hundred girls) had already complained about the stench, disgusting nudity, and general weirdness, so they finally booted the creepy fuck out of the gym. Good riddance.
***
This is an excerpt from Matt Lawrence’s book, The Chronicles of Bronan the Barbarian: A Humor Compendium 2010-2013. You can purchase the book from Terror House Press here.
Matt Lawrence is the Art Director of Terror House Press and is the world’s greatest graphic designer, musician, and humor columnist, as well as mankind’s last hope for salvation. He enjoys heavy metal, physical fitness, and the art of partying. Matt has lived in exotic and bizarre locations around the country, including Fort Collins, Colorado, Portland, Oregon, and Des Moines, Iowa. He currently resides in Thailand, home of Southeast Asia’s finest traffic accidents. Matt has been fumbling around with art and illustration since childhood, where he drew crayon pictures of dinosaurs on his parents’ walls. He’s since semi-retired from destroying nice things and transitioned into creating digital artwork for the enjoyment of all mankind. Matt is also the author of The Chronicles of Bronan the Barbarian: A Humor Compilation 2010-2013, available from Terror House Press.
