Hey I know this is weird but I’m going to kill myself tomorrow and I wanted to know if you’d be down to hang out before then.

Listen, don’t freak out on me or anything but tomorrow I’m going to kill myself and I’d really like to hang out with you one last time.

Okay, so don’t make this weird, please, but tomorrow, I’m going to kill myself. I’d really like to chill with you for a few hours before, if you’re not busy.

Got plans? I’d love it if we could grab a bite to eat or something. I’m killing myself tomorrow. I know that sounds crazy but I’m super excited. Gimme a call. I’ve got some stuff to tell you about.


Bear with me on this one. Let’s pretend we never broke up. I’ve hated you for over a year, and I think you’ve hated me for only a little less? BUT, maybe it would be fun, for a few hours, to act like none of that happened? I’m not just trying to get laid, I promise. It could be really fun to just go to a diner or that smoking lounge the way we used to. I’m pretty sure that if we put our minds to it, we could talk the way we used to. Think of it like a social experiment, like we were on a video from “The Cut” or whatever.

I know I totally fucked everything up and that you don’t even think about me anymore because all this was like years ago, BUT, I miss you in this weird way. Maybe that’s pathetic? Anyway, would you be down to get some milkshakes and laugh about how everything is dumb and we were stupid? Might be kinda cool.

direct message

I’ve been “internet stalking” you for years. Looks like I’m on the way out. Just wanted to say that you’re really beautiful. I always figured if I was ever in LA I’d ask you out, lol. Anyway, I’m sure you get messages like this all the time. But hey, I used to know a guy got married after “sliding into her DMs”!


Just call me back, please. Really, it’s not what you think, it’s important. Can you please just fucking call me.