Last night, I started watching porn. I just sat there watching porn for four hours and then it hit me that if I didn’t take sleeping pills, I was just going to stay up all night watching porn; yes, I have done that before. I went to my bathroom and took my medicine: antidepressants (not prescription), sleep aids (not prescription), and some other stuff that I don’t want to get into (prescription). I step outside and smoke a cigarette. My head itches like crazy because I haven’t showered in days. My underwear is a few days old. I did a load of laundry over the weekend and just could not bring myself to take it out of the dryer. My dryer and I have been having a standoff ever since, waiting to see who will cave first. It is winning, as it has nothing to gain by caving to me. My scent is the loser.

As I smoke, I try and map out the night. What I want to do is have a cup of coffee and smoke a lot. Just one cup. The dreamlike haze of taking caffeine and sleeping pills at the same time has always enchanted me. It is also a good state to be in to watch porn. You are so focused on it, but your body is so relaxed. I have work in the morning, though, so I shouldn’t. I take a final drag off my cigarette to make sure the camel loses his legs and resolve to make one cup of coffee and take one more sleeping pill as a compromise. I am excited.

I get the coffee going and run back to the bathroom to quickly pop another pill. I look around and contemplate showering, but I decide against it. I have had this cocktail enough times that I know I have about two hours before I’ll pass out, and I am eager to get started. I head back into the living room and stare at my computer for about ten minutes trying to figure out what to watch next. Analysis paralysis strikes, I’m afraid. So I get up and grab my coffee and come back to my screen fresh and optimistic. The first sip of coffee gives me enough of a placebo to make up my mind.

And the dance beings.

Puckered buttholes, perky tits, gagging, overdone hair, the works. It feels great and the drugs kick in and it feels even better. I hear a woman say “you’re good at milking Mommy’s tits” and am ready to praise Jesus, for the world is so holy. A man is gobbling up a woman’s chocolate starfish and I think about the time I told a girl in all sincerity, “I miss the taste of shit on your lips” and how she slipped off her panties right then and there, rolled over and stuck her ass up in the air. Over and over and over again I watch a cock pop out of a girl’s ass and go straight into a second girl’s mouth. I watch that act over and over and over again and I feel invincible. The porn is giving me a superhuman strength. I am awash in its glow. I have never been this happy, not even as a kid with a new pack of shiny Hot Wheels. Women, complete strangers to me, tell me how much they love anal, how they’ve been giving head since they were 14, how they love their fans. It’s all true and real because it is a dream, and dreams aren’t fiction the way novels are. When I start to get sleepy, I step outside and smoke another cigarette. I’m wearing black sweatpants, military fatigues I found in a dumpster, and nothing else. It is school shooter chic, portrait of a meth-head flasher as a young jerk-off.

Courtney Barnett tells us that she wants to go out but she wants to stay home. We all know that feeling, but I want to know if Courtney Barnett ever wants to cum but wants to keep watching. That’s how I feel, and that’s the feeling I was looking for. The sleeping pills are making everything a bit blurry, but the caffeine has got me focused enough to be able to count each and every rivet in each and every asshole I see. And when I get inside, I do just that.

More strange but beautiful women start telling me about how tight they are, how pleased they feel, how much they are cumming, how they squirt naturally. It’s good, so good. I get a few tabs going and start toggling back and forth liberally. Asa Akira lets me know that not going ass to mouth is as stuck up as spitting instead of swallowing. I agree. I decide I am going to move to Los Angeles and become a porn star. Eventually, I will meet a fellow performer and we will get married. She will be the first porn star to only do anal, and her big “coming out” day where she lets her pussy get fucked on camera for the first time will be livestreamed by millions. Her stage name will be simply “Mom” and we will love each other very much.

Like I knew it would, this all lasts for about two hours. At the end, I don’t want it to end, which is why I took the pills two hours ago. It is one in the morning. Tomorrow before work, I will not shower, brush my teeth, or anything. I decide to take my computer to bed so I can keep watching as the pills take me. I wonder if one of these days I could kill myself with pills and just watch the best porn I know of as I drift away forever. Beforehand I could take out a bunch of credit cards and buy a dozen TVs, a dozen DVD players, and a few dozen DVDs. I could set it all up beforehand and watch twelve of my favorites as I die. It would be perfect, and do not tell me this is a bad idea. Do not @ me. Do not call my parents. I want to die like this one day, not today, but one day.

So I get in bed and set up my laptop, I feel exhausted. The coffee has succumbed to the pills. I put something good on and see Jennifer White. She is so fucking hot. I fall asleep thinking exactly that.

I wake up maybe two hours later and the porn is still going. I get to see more ass to mouth. One of the girls is screaming with glee and must have woken me up. The loudmouth is talking about how good the dick tastes and I know she means it. I haven’t tasted a good ass in about two months now. We were at her place and she was straddling me as we made out. I started fingering her ass with both my middle fingers (so I could cup her whole ass at the same time), and when the time was right, I pulled them out and sucked on each of them, one at a time, as she watched. She put on this mischievous smile and asked, “Taste good?”

“Definitely, wanna try?”

I took my right index finger and slid it up her ass as she shivered slightly. I pulled it right back out and held it in front of her face. Her mischievous smile was back, and in a second or two, it was a shit-eating grin. I fingered her ass again and put the finger back in front of her face the same way. She lapped at it like a lollipop before just taking the whole thing down her throat. It was so perfect that we just kept doing that for a while. A finger or two up her ass for just a few seconds, then straight to her mouth. She smiled the whole time and my cock still hasn’t forgiven me for how painful that hard-on got. I doubt it will ever forgive me. The way she just kept cleaning my fingers, rubbing my nuts occasionally was just so perfect. For the record, I would commit a terrorist attack as bad as 9/11 if this was what eternal heaven would be.

Point being: the girl in the porno does like the taste of that cock.

I watch for a while and fall asleep again. Three hours later and the same thing happens again. I wake up, watch porn for some ten minutes and fall back asleep.

When the alarm clock goes off, the porn is finally done. I start playing some more as I make coffee and take a dump. As predicted, I ditch the shower and related to watch more porn. “Morn and porn” is a lot better than “wake and bake.”

When I get to work (on time, to my credit), it kills me that it is all over. The porn has ended. No more, not until tonight. Between now and then I just have to work. Fucking awful. One of these days I will just take out a bunch of credit cards and buy a dozen TVs, a dozen DVD players, and a few dozen DVDs. That way I could watch twelve of the best pornos ever made, pop some Fetynal, and