We are astounded and delighted to behold the findings of our latest census.

Kepler 120AB (Snail Nebula)

Keplerians are known for their bulbous appendages and gratuitous flatulence. We do not find this repulsive in the slightest, and it brings us great pleasure to behold. The Keplerian language has evolved since our last surveying effort, and the inhabitants of this great land have learned to move past their incessant shrieks of destitute horror in favor of a dialect of resigned sighs and weak smiles. Everything seems to be going swimmingly. Everyone gets along very well and nobody smokes marijuana on this planet.


A great and noble race. We love especially how their culture has begun to focus more on sex and less on taking repugnant shits in the streets of their capital cities. They really fuck now! This is so good. This is so good. This really pleases us. Everyone is very happy now that their world is less full of nasty, smelly shit, and more full of sex and fucking. They fuck everything! Snailmen, treelike plants (obviously not real trees since this is a stupid fucking alien planet), human child slaves, Obama! Good job!


This place used to be a desert. Wow, that was stupid. It is much better now that settlers from the distant world of Gnernernernernererbingbingbing have come to live here. Now people can go to the grocery store. Before, there was just sand! Now everyone can watch television and eat whatever the dumb fucking alien equivalent of hamburgers are. It is so good that this planet is no longer a desert because of reasons. Wave hello to your neighbors if you move here, because you will have them!


It has been like a billion years since stupid dopey humans were kicked off Mars in favor of the noble Noopleblerngs (NPs). Humans were dumb and retarded and they did dumb human things but the NPs are great because they live in mud huts and throw rocks at anyone who comes to visit them. Watch out! This is really great because the NP home planet was completely torn up to shit by them before they left, so it’s all cool now that they’ve moved to Mars. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go to Mars because they’d throw rocks and growl at me, but good for them; I’m glad that they live there now.

The Sun

Nobody can live on the sun! Are you fucking retarded??

Circle-Shaped Planet (CSP)

Everyone know that this planet is shaped like a circle. But not everybody knows the rich history of this planet. Two space-years ago, the inhabitants of this planet signed a treaty that ended their space-decades-long civil war. While the exact causes of the conflict remain mysterious, we do know that the exact causes of the conflict were related to the economy. The economy is, as we all know, the sole creator and ruler of the Universe (Grilled Cheese Universe). The Red team squared up against the Blue team in an epic struggle that would eventually end with the crowning of Space Milton Friedman as the dictator-for-life of CSP. In the two space-years since he ascended to the throne, Space Milton Friedman has made all crime legal, much like in the human novel The Purge by Michael Jackson. This has resulted in CSP becoming the most wealthy and prosperous planet in the entire Universe (Grilled Cheese Universe). Production is through the roof, and birth rates are, for now, still hovering slightly above the suicide rate. Great job for Circle-Shaped Planet!

A Planet Based Off of the Plot of the ABC Drama Lost

After a devastating plane crash, everyone on this planet is trapped on an island! Say whaaaat??? They get into all sorts of wacky adventures as clashes of personality and morals are juxtaposed with creepy supernatural phenomena and captivating mystery! Who will get voted off the island this week???

Lux Aeterna

The strange inhabitants of this planet all wear cloaks and walk around chanting. We are not sure why. They spend their time engrossed in ancient tomes and long, challenging dialogues. We don’t really get it, but whatever floats their boat! We don’t like them very much. They don’t have an Xbox 360 or shop at Space Whole Foods. They live in groups for some reason? Whatever. Probably won’t be around much longer. Next planet.

21 Jump Street

Everyone on this planet has a skateboard and does crystal meth. We think it’s generally okay because none of them are sexist.

We hope you have enjoyed these highlights of our latest survey. We hope to see you again next time. Do you have a planet you’d like us to cover? Are you a gay fucking loser? Who the hell cares, eat my cock.