Here I was in Wuhan, China. The place where the pandemic that killed millions of people began. I was an obvious outsider, at six feet tall and with scruffy brown hair. An obvious contrast to the average 5.5 feet tall Chinese men with pine-like jet black hair. I was here on my much-delayed trip to teach English at the local Wuhan Huawei regional office. Or that is what I thought.

Earning just $1,100 per month and living in a decadent commie block, it was not going to be exotic. “Money, cheap beer and pussy”; that is why I was here. My hope was that I could save enough money thanks to my dirt-cheap rent and keeping my expenses low while trying my best to pull as many Chinese bitches as possible. You could call it being hedonistic on a budget. And you never know; I might meet a hot Huawei female executive that could be my sugar momma.

And here I was, in the morning walking towards the cardboard box-shaped non-transparent glass-covered office of Huawei. It was a city within a city. Once I walked into the building, some old, short, grey-haired security guard started shouting at me. “What’s up,” I said. Then he pointed towards this terrifying smiling robot that I had to crouch to be level with its face in order for me to be verified. The scary part was that I had never submitted a facial scan or given permission for one to be acquired.

Then I learned that in China, they don’t need permission for that. The over 560 million CCTV cameras in the country will make sure that the Chinese government and its companies know more about you than you do yourself.

I had a strenuous stroll up a set of three marble stairs and was welcomed by a beautiful Chinese Huawei employee called Daiyu that led me into a room of over 20 other beautiful Chinese girls. What is going on? Have I just hit the jackpot!? I thought to myself. For some reason, they were all laughing at my jokes. I felt that they had confused me with a centillionaire like Elon Musk or a billionaire comedian like Jerry Seinfeld.

The feeling was great; it was like I was on top of the world. I was being paid for hanging out with a room full of what seemed like the best-looking women in China. I was already imagining playing out my fantasies with all of them. Then I noticed something. One of the girl’s eyelids had drooped and there was a visible red wire peeking at the very top of her eye. “The fuck; this bitch is a robot, what the hell is going on!” I said out loud due to being in complete shock.

This disturbed me and I took three steps back towards my desk, placing my hands behind me. I was breathing loudly and my hands were trembling. Out of nowhere, their eyes turned red. “Fuck this,” I screamed out loud as I made my way towards the door of the classroom. It was locked. Thinking in the moment, I grabbed my bag from behind the desk and jumped out of the window on top of the slanted roof.

One of the robot bitches stuck her hand through the window as I was running away and grabbed my left leg. Maintaining balance was futile and I ended up dangling headfirst towards a black-glassed roof. I did the only thing I could and kicked her cold, lifeless arm away with my right foot rather than getting ripped apart by her mechanical buddies. For three seconds, I was in mid-air, my life flashing before me. I screamed like a little bitch: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” letting off a high-pitched screech while at the same time my body was piercing the dark glass panels.

“THUD”, was the noise my body made as it impacted with what seemed like a warehouse of shop mannequins. As I got up, the lights automatically turned on. Hundreds of rows of hot Chinese girls were lined up staring blankly in front of them. I swam my way out of the pile of robotic arms and legs that I had created during my landing.

The right side of my back and neck were in pain, it was like my neck was bent towards the left. I made my way towards the big cinema-sized screen to the north of this Dr. Evil-inspired warehouse. “Here we go, what is this?” I murmured tiredly while picking up a brown folder of documents. I trawled through looking for just something to explain what is going on.

Then I saw it: ‘Project Tony Montana.’ North Korea, Jamaica, the Chinese Communist Party, and Putin had teamed up together to develop artificial intelligence-powered robot women with great pussies to take down the United States. Jamaica was the main funder, as they wanted weed to be legalized worldwide and to have less competition in the 100m and 200m sprint competitions at the future Olympics. “I was one of the pawns picked to train the artificial intelligence,” I mumbled when the realization struck me.

After letting off a silent breathy moan, I said, “How the fuck am I going to deal with this shit.” Suddenly, I remembered, Donald Trump had grabbed my cousin by the pussy and she had given me his number. I called The Donald and told him what was going on. Within 25 minutes, an elastic rope was dropped down through the hole in the ceiling I had made. It was the Trump helicopter. I was flown back to safety and was able to reveal what was going on.

Now I get all the pussy I want. Oh, and nearly forgot to mention: I was appointed Donald Trump’s vice-presidential candidate for his 2024 presidential run.