Dear Mx. President,

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that hyperinflation is near inevitable. You can see it in the push towards getting people to buy digital objects, either in games or in virtual spaces.

There are those that seek solace in certain technologies such as the blockchain, that tell them they’re good little boys and girls and that the picture of a badger pissing is indeed Number #9327 of #10069 and that of all the Pissing Badgers, yours is one of two hundred with a silver piss stream (Not as rare as a golden or platinum piss stream) and is one of a thousand with blue-specked eyes, one of fifty-eight with a top hat, one of seventy nine with purple hair, and one of twenty that’s smoking a pipe.

Well done on having a very unique Pissing Badger.

Bread is now worth $2,000 per loaf.

And wages have stagnated further than ever before.

This is why I, Governor Mallory, demand we mint a new real world currency in the year 2300, five years from now. The Randocoin is both enough of a solution and little enough of a problem that it may help a lot of the problems we’ve been having. They have a small diode screen on the front and a miniaturised solar panel on the back. A small internal computer uses a randomiser to detect the value of the coin each day. If it is tampered with or damaged in any way, the coin will become worth $-99,000. If left untampered with, the Randocoin is worth between -$10 or $5. This works quite well as a tax on the rich, given their interest in compulsive gambling as evidence by the fact that one eighth of the world is continually on fire. (Though it is indeed interesting that we were able to keep the fire under control by using a 700-mile-long canopy that captured the smoke and, like a sail, allows the planet to spin a little bit faster and the resultant wind stops the fire from spreading out of control and also cools the globe, albeit giving certain people a feeling of globesickness every so often, which can thankfully be remedied by seasickness tablets. I apologise; I am getting off topic.)

Randocoins will be available at all major banks in exchange for $3. We’re using an image of Wall Street which we’re laser etching onto the miniaturised solar panels. We considered people and institutions before figuring out that Wall Street very much represents the ethos of the Randocoin. Above the image is the heading “Possumus manere stultus diutius quam dives manere potes” in flickering neon lettering. It briefly means “We can stay stupid longer than you can stay rich,” and is, I’m told, a very popular Wall Street phrase. We used Meta Translate for the translation, so it’s very approximate. We wanted to get a Latin translation, but they wanted money and refused to be paid in our exciting new coins.

In any case, regulators will soon be available in every city. If the contents of your credit card are over a thousand dollars in the red, you are summarily executed on the spot via lobotomal-laser which takes 0.1 seconds, is painless (we’re told) and easy to distribute fast and effectively.

Also, it pains me to say thism but we will soon be changing from fiat dollars to Randocoins. Slowly but surely. By 2350, we expect Randocoins to make up most of the money in circulation. In order to do this, we will be emitting a sonic noise around towns that will cause metal coins to melt and paper to slough into pieces. The resultant money slurry can be taken to all good banks and exchanged for Randocoins. In a move of good will, we will be gifting all citizens 100 Randocoins whether they want them or not, and also, any money slurry changed into Randocoins will always start at $3 rather than a randomised amount.

By 2351, we will take the Randocoins out of circulation for obvious reasons. By then, all citizens will likely be dead, as well as half the enforcers. You can only flip a coin so many times before you call it wrong, after all. After that, inflation should slowly dip down as we no longer have a surplus populace cramming themselves with resources like the parasites than they are.

To this end, it is imperative that all generals, alongside their children, do NOT come into contact with Randocoins. In fact, I have drawn up certain documentation that it is IMPERATIVE to take to a bank in order to opt out of 1,000 free Randocoins and thereby avoid lobotomal-laser.

This document will be posted to all the world leaders, their sons, and one spare will be given in order to avoid so many dying that families will be able to continue their heritage and legacy without having to deal with unwanted complications such as genetic muddying via inbreeding. We will also be hosting a special Olympic Games event and a special chess tournament where the top winners will have their Randocoins wiped and preset at an unmoving $1 so that they won’t be killed by enforcers.

There will be casualties, there will be deaths, and there will be riots. But that is a sacrifice that I, and I believe you, are willing to make.

Wish you well. In fact, I hope to see you soon so we can discuss this in person and perhaps over some oysters and warm champagne. Is Zanzi still open in the center cities? It’s been a while since we’ve been there and you do know that I’m partial to a cheeky bit of karaoke!

And give my love to Fiona and the kids. I hear Quentin is at the top of his class this year!

With respects,

Governor Mallory