Before you start, it is essential that you at least have the right equipment if you’re to have any hope of surviving this.

(Firstly, make sure you want to go through with this. If you don’t, then that’s great. There’s a line between being courageous and being a fool. If you do, then I can only advise you, although I am doubtful that it will be enough.)

You will need leather gloves, which you can get from any good hardware store. And for God’s sake, don’t scrimp on the gloves. They will need to be thick, devoid of any holes, and made of real animal skin.

Trust me: the creature can tell the difference.

In addition to these, you will need a car. Not a van or any other kind of all-terrain vehicle. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, but it never works. The foliage is far too dense and the pine branches hang far too low. And the last thing you want is to be trapped in that cursed forest. The place will swallow you whole, never to be found.

You can’t choose just any car, though. The mud runs thick, the path stays thin, and the darkness around the trees becomes so deep and endless that it would seem to suck the very light from the headlamps of an ordinary car.

But getting one won’t be easy. The make and variety of the car has long since been discontinued. In fact, the last model rolled out of the workshop in November 1973.

Of course, if you’re put off by this, then it’s hard for me to understand why you’ve taken up this entire venture.

So maybe you’ve already done the research and found out from an anonymous online post that the last car of that type is being sold next Wednesday at a small dealership in Sussex.

In truth, the car is sold every Wednesday.

What you will do is walk into the lot on Monday. You will not go into the building; just stay outside and admire the show models.

Eventually, after a period of two hours, a man in a suit and tie combo will come out and chat to you. Under no circumstances do you ask for this man by either mentioning his strange and yet somehow familiar appearance or whatever name was featured on his name badge. That isn’t his name, he doesn’t work for that company, and you will never manage to track him down again, no matter how hard you try.

And Christ on a bike, keep the conversation lively and lighthearted. The weather, the season, your life. Anything.

Not his family or anything personal about his, though.

He doesn’t like to talk much about himself.

And in the event that you keep pressing, he might answer the questions you ask.

And I can promise you that you’ll leave with an upset stomach.

When you have finished talking to him, end the conversation by exclaiming that you’re disappointed about the lack of cars the dealership sells that are suitable for a nice country drive.

Use those exact words.

​If you forget, stutter, or use different phrases, you will have to come back next Monday to stand around—probably in the rain—for two hours for a chance to talk to him again.

I mean, you can still go through with all this.

You’ll just look like a bit of an idiot, that’s all.

If it’s worked, the man should invite you to come back for a private viewing of a brand new car that’s just coming in. It’ll either fall on a Thursday or a Friday.

Come back on that day and enter the physical dealership, proclaiming that you have an appointment booked. Remember: no mention of the man, his name, or his 1970’s fashion sense.

The appointment will be booked, but not under any person, date, or time. The dealership will have no record of an interview or appointment ever being arranged.

The Receptionist will be confused and contact the Manager immediately.

Don’t worry. I don’t know if the Manager has been replaced since the last time there was an attempt, but it doesn’t matter. They always know.

You’ll be taken to a large room separated from the rest of the building. In the middle of the room will be the car that you seek.

(I know; didn’t expect it to be a [DATA REDACTED] did you?)

The Manager will tell you that there’s been some sort of mistake.


They’ll tell you that you don’t want the hunk of junk in front of you.


They’ll tell you that it’s about to be scrapped and that it most likely won’t even start.

Persist once more and he will finally relent and take payment for the car.

Do not complain about the price or negotiate.

Pay the expenses or you will not make it.

It truly is that simple.

Once you get into the car, take it to the nearest petrol station and fill it up. You may have trouble finding the hole for the gasoline. It’s at the bottom, near the left passenger door.

A lot of design decisions about the car may raise a few questions with you. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that they will ever be answered.

The inventor of the car became incurably mad after manufacturing began.

He covered himself, his wife, and their two children in gasoline and then lit a match.

Nobody knows quite why he did it, but sources claim he had always acted erratically when it came to the car, flying into violent rages whenever strange, odd, and seemingly needless specifications for the vehicle were not met.

One worker even found him in his own office, underneath his desk, quietly asking for the “sounds of Hell” to stop.

Drive the car to your destination, not too far from the lot. You know where the gaping maw of woods begins. Nobody has ever missed it.

Drive through the forest until you’re met with a fork in the road. Turn right and keep driving until the undergrowth starts to push against the windows and the tree canopies start to block out all light.

It’s at around this point where electrical devices will start to freak out.

Any phones will begin to count up minutes as if they were seconds and GPS locators will insist that you are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Drive further on. You will be driving on for longer than you suspect, so I grievously hope that you filled up earlier.

You will hear noises and you will try to ignore them.

Shut your eyes, hum to yourself, just don’t turn on the radio, whatever you do. There is nothing on Earth that you want to hear less.

In the last stretch, the noises will become voices. Clear voices. Asking you to come and help them. The voices may seem to belong to people you know, people you love, and even people you have lost.

Do not be deceived and do not leave your vehicle. I can guarantee that it’ll be the last thing you ever do.

They are right outside the vehicle you’re trundling along in, and they’re waiting for you to make a poor decision.

As the incessant voices build to a crescendo, floor it.

The trees will press, the bushes will thicken, the car will rev and struggle and threaten to break down.

Keep that foot on the pedal.

Suddenly, the forest should fall away and the pressure around the car, which you probably haven’t noticed was building up until this point, will fall away.

Do not look back.

You should be driving across an endless heath made up of nothing but broken rock and shingle. No flowers, grass or hints of life can be seen.

The absence of insects, birds and animals creates a silence that will set your teeth on edge. There is no noise at all. Even the friendly clunk and thump of the old car slowly becomes muted until it disappears altogether.

If you look up at the sky, you will see only blackness with no stars, moons or planets above.

I do not know why you are able to still see. The light source seems to come from underneath the broken and craggy rocks.

Continue driving for at least five minutes until you spot her. Don’t be anxious about missing her. You won’t.

She’s the only thing for miles around, in the middle of the abyssal wasteland.

Get out of the car but leave the engine running.

Don the gloves and approach her.

I shouldn’t have to tell you not to look into her eyes.

Walk slowly. Do not think about how to avert your eyes or why you are doing it. Imagine you’ve found something interesting on the ground.

Say to the woman: “I have arrived to lay claim.”

She’ll hold out her hand.

Try not to look at it for longer than you have to. It has a tendency to drip and you may suddenly be aware of a smell that will make you retch.

And she won’t take kindly to that.

Once she has touched your hand, leave immediately.

Do not say anything else to her, take the car, look directly at her or stay in the same place. To do so will invoke her.

If all has gone smoothly, you will find your vision filling up with a blinding light. Within a single minute, your field of vision will be completely filled with white.

When your sight returns, you will find yourself on the outskirts of the forest two weeks from the date that you entered.

You should find that you have incredible luck for the next five years.

People will find you interesting, funny, and a natural leader.

Financial troubles (any and all) will simply cease to be.

You can genuinely convince people of anything and everything.

However, if you have invoked the Woman in the Great Beyond by either staring at her, not making contact with her hand with a leather glove, or talking to her outside of the single phrase, then you will be found the following year in any of the deepest and darkest parts of the forest.

Your mouth will be paralysed in an expression of terror.

Your eyes will have been clawed out of their sockets by hands that do not match the hands of any current species on Planet Earth.