I go into the bathroom to take a leak and instead piss down the laundry chute, something I’ve done at least three times this evening. Walking out of the shitter, I decide to take a gander upstairs, something I’ve not seen in all the times I’ve been here. The stairs up and the hallway they lead into are dimly but warmly lit with lights I’ve heard my aunt refer to as sconces. A series of closed doors with nothing inviting or interesting and I’m about to head back downstairs when I detect some slurping and scarfing sounds over the din of the stereo and shouting downstairs. I actually wonder if there is some kind of secret snacking sub-party happening up here that I wasn’t invited to, and I open the door the sounds are coming out of.

The light from the sconces reveals the contours of a couple, one party on top of the other, on the floor of the room, both still fully clothed, even yet wearing their shoes. I presume it’s a girl on the bottom and recognize the dude on top mostly by way of the paisley vest that he always wears, something he acquired at a thrift store and has never given up on though it doesn’t appear to have any real utility other than vaguely making him look like a member of a funk metal band who will never make it. I manage to catch the last thrust of a dryhump as the door creaked open, then they stop their writhing dryhumping, become utterly still on the floor, her somewhat labored breaths coming up in puffs blowing through the strands of Shawn Kowalski’s very long hair, strewn over her face, masking it entirely.

I very sarcastically ask them what they’re doing and neither says a word, remaining there stiff, some kind of play-dead animal defense mechanism. I just stand there, leaning against the jamb, waiting for an answer in the dead silence formed by the compromising need for intimacy.

“Dude, fuckin’ come out and party with us,” I say.

Shawn doesn’t answer.

I begin to close the door and the sound of it closing revives him, his ass cheeks contracting as he delivers another powerful dryhump to the person beneath him. Pushing off with his toes, it comes with such explosive force the person underneath him gasps lightly.

I snicker, then shut the door completely.