Once there was a giant bastard that lived in a great big castle. All around the castle was a beautiful garden, and at the bottom of the garden was a great big fruit tree that grew the most amazing fruit. Every day, immigrant workers would come and tend the garden and the fruit tree. They would keep the garden beautiful and make sure the fruit tree gave fruit. Everyone was happy and there was plenty of fruit for everyone.

“How happy we are,” said the immigrant workers. “How lovely it is to have free health care. Let’s all get sick on purpose so we can try it out.” The people of the town were happy too, because the immigrant workers brought them fruit every day and there were lots of inter-racial marriages.

Then one day, the giant selfish bastard came and looked out of his window.

“What the fuck,” the selfish bastard shouted when he saw all those immigrants playing in his garden.

He raced out into his garden, his face turned orange with rage, and his toupee flapped around like a demented parakeet.

“Get the fuck out of my garden,” he screamed. “Look at you; you are all rapists and drug dealers.”

And the big selfish bastard put up a sign that read KEEP THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN.

Of course, that was no good; the immigrant workers still crossed over illegally into the giant selfish bastard’s garden and did work for farmers and stuff like that. They couldn’t get health care, but they still came.

“This is no good,” said the selfish bastard giant. “We need to build a fucking wall.”

The big selfish bastard went to the mayor of the town. “Give me money to build a wall,” said the giant.

“Go away and fuck yourself,” said the mayor.

“No, you fuck yourself,” said the fucking selfish bastard.

They argued and argued and got nowhere, so the selfish bastard giant stole all the money from the mayor and built the wall himself. He built the wall very tall and he put solar panels on it so it more or less paid for itself, not that he gave any money back to the mayor. In the wall, there was a small hole so that the selfish giant bastard could put his surprisingly small hands that had never done a day’s work through and grab any pussies that were walking past. Grabbing pussy cats was the giant’s favourite pastime.

“Walls definitely work,” said the selfish giant bastard. “Just like they did for the Roman Empire and the Maginot Line in World War I and II. Just like the Berlin Wall worked. And the Great Wall of China kept the Mongol hordes at bay. Walls definitely work.”

The giant selfish bastard knew that walls worked because he had seen Great Wall, and the big selfish giant bastard thought that he looked just like Matt Damon or better really. The selfish bastard was totally delusional.

How happy the big selfish bastard giant was. The garden turned into a weed-infested wilderness and all the fruit fell and rotted on the ground.

“This is my garden and everyone else can fuck off,” he said.

Then one day, the big selfish bastard looked out of the window and saw a small boy trying to climb into the fruit tree. Worse, the wall had fallen over and other children and immigrant workers were creeping into the garden.

The selfish bastard giant rushed again into the garden. Orange-faced, wig-flapping, tiny hands reaching out to grasp the child.

As the giant bastard approached the child, he noticed that there were prints of nails on his hands and feet.

“I get it,” said the selfish bastard giant. “You’re meant to be Jesus. Have you come to take me to Paradise?”

“Fuck no,” said Jesus. “You would not let anyone play in your garden, so you’re not getting to play in mine. I’ve come to see you get exactly what you deserve. Meet Nick: he’s come to take you to Hell.”

So the devil came and dragged the big selfish bastard to Hell, where he belonged.

When the immigrants came into the garden, the found the selfish giant bastard lying dead under the fruit tree, covered in bird poop and cat piss.

Everyone lived happily ever after.