My plane went down a few miles away from the Viet Cong headquarters in Memot. As I fell back to Earth, I noticed a cargo truck driving towards my landing spot. A despondent feeling came over me as I saw five men armed with AK-47s get out of the truck. What were they planning to do with me? I can’t die here: I have a future in Washington!

As I put both feet on the ground, two of the men approached me. One of them hit me in the stomach with his AK-47, and the other kept me on my feet. They dragged me to the truck and threw me in. The men got back in and we were off. Where were they taking me? Was I going to be executed? I couldn’t let that happen!

Maybe I could make a deal with their leader? I have plenty of intel and skills that would be valuable to a group such as this. Yes, that’s exactly what I’d do. The men were sharing nude pictures of prostitutes that they spent some time with when they were off-duty. One of them was more boastful than the others. He’d slept with three in one night, whereas the others only slept with one each. Judging by his looks, he was the youngest of the five men, so that made sense; younger customers are willing to spend more.

Sure, you might spend your entire check at the brothel, but you leave with bragging rights. Another notch on your belt means you’re simply more of a man than your friends are. Their envy gives you a wonderful high for the rest of the week. There’s nothing quite like it. It kind of reminds me of growing up in New Orleans. I used to visit Madame Rachelle’s girls every other weekend before deployment.

The truck was slowing down, so I guessed we’d arrived. They threw me out of the truck first. As I got up, I saw a man with an eyepatch, a tiger cub and a prostitute beside him. This must have been the leader; he looked more like a gangster than he does a revolutionary. The tiger cub was wearing a diamond-studded collar, and the hooker looked like she was fresh off the boat from Singapore. This would be an interesting time for me; if I survived, I ought to write a book about this.

“Follow us,” said the prostitute as she picked up the tiger cub. The headquarters was a partially destroyed mansion with propaganda banners all over the place. As I went inside, I saw beautiful paintings and piles of gold. The guards all had the same scar under their right eye. Eyepatch pointed to a couch near an oversized painting of a naked woman. His guards brought him a rocking chair as I sat down on the couch with the hooker.

“I’ll be translating for you, sir,” the prostitute said before taking a sip of tea. Eyepatch began speaking to me while playing with the tiger cub. “What is your name and rank?” said the prostitute as she leaned in closer. “My name is Ronald Smith, and I’m a lieutenant. I deliver information for the U.S. Army,” I said while looking at the hooker as she got more friendly. She repeated what I said to Eyepatch, and he grinned devilishly. He said “you help or die”; his English was very poor, but I got the point.

He said something to the prostitute and then left. “You’ll be staying with me and the rest of the girls! Consider yourself lucky, Mr. Smith. He usually makes captives sleep with the pigs. My name is Chu, by the way,” said Chu, sizing up her new roommate. I followed her down the hall, and as I looked around, I noticed more loot. Eyepatch was living like a king; I wonder what the other revolutionary groups would think of this? Did they know?

As she opened the red door, the scent of perfume attacked my senses. You couldn’t walk five steps without stepping on an article of clothing; it reminded me of Madame Rachelle’s House of Pleasure, but it was a bit less artsy. The Madame believed that showcasing art added to the experience of getting fucked. There was a plethora of naked women in here; it was a young man’s paradise. There was a pool and lots of food in there as well. I thought of defecting, because this was too good.

“Welcome to your new home, Ron,” Chu said gleefully. I spent a few moments walking around the place, taking it all in. I had food, harem girls, and a pool. This was an amazing place; maybe I could become the American Genghis Khan somehow? Old Eyepatch seemed content with being a local warlord; I’d rather claim all of Vietnam for myself. With the way these girls were looking at me, I don’t think they’d protest too much. Let’s see what they have for food. Chicken wings, rice, fish, and so on. They also have rum and sake! I turned to the left while taking a bite out of this delicious piece of chicken. My eyes immediately connected with a very strange statue of a man with an octopus head. “Hey Chu, what’s that?” I said somewhat loudly as she came over to check on me.

“That’s a statue of our god Rye-lu. He guides us to victory and gives us the greatest pleasures! Our leader is a priest for his cult. We intend to conquer the region and spread his wisdom to everyone, including you!” said the sultry young woman named Chu. Well, this explained why they’re not your typical revolutionary organization. I thought I could get used to this, though. Good food and an excellent selection of women to choose from. I just needed to win over the girls and the soldiers.

After a few hours of fun with the girls, I laid in one of the beds. Chu’s flexibility was impressive; she stayed in a pretzel shape the whole time. I could hear noise coming from down the hall, but I tried my best to ignore it. It sounded like Old Eyepatch was screaming “octo-coochie!” at the top of his lungs. He must’ve smoked something good before chilling out. You could hear similar things throughout the night: “tentacle roastie,” “pitmommy GF,” and so on. As I tossed and turned, it kept getting louder.

He was truly disturbed; that might explain his strange demeanor. The harem girls were quiet and I didn’t hear any other noises. It was just Eyepatch sounding off like a raving lunatic late at night. I thought about going over there and putting him down. But I needed him for now; he could help me earn the trust of his men. Also, I might acquire the scorn of my future harem if I did it now. Patience is a virtue, and I’ll need to remember that. “Ryelagun mnargu Ron fnyord lo,” said a strange, distant voice. I looked over and the Rye-lu statue was glowing.

Well, I guess this wasn’t some elaborate personality cult after all. Maybe I could win Rye-lu’s favor, if I hadn’t already. I’m certainly more stable and more capable of leading his warriors in Vietnam. Eyepatch wasn’t screaming anymore, and the indecipherable ramblings of Rye-lu were making me very tired. I dreamt of bloodshed, Rye-lu’s image, and myself sitting on a throne. Eyepatch has to die, and I needed to win everyone over quickly. I have been chosen by him, and that’s a great honor.

The enemies of Rye-lu would tremble before me, and I would fuck their bitches! My harem would grow as I made Vietnam submit! The girls were still asleep, so I guessed it was the perfect time to wander through the complex. Well, that’s strange: the hall wasn’t like this before. There were six decapitated heads hanging from the ceiling, and runic script was painted everywhere. Old Eyepatch’s chanting could be heard through speakers, as the temperature in the building was increasing steadily.

The dining hall had been converted into a place of worship. Statues of Rye-lu, beautiful runic banners, and decapitated heads are spread throughout the hall. Acolytes were sitting on prayer mats repeating the words of Old Eyepatch. As I watched them, I quickly became mesmerized by what I saw. The next thing I remember was being back with the girls with Chu sitting naked on my lap. “You shouldn’t go out alone, Chosen One. Old Eyepatch knows that Rye-lu no longer favors him. He hasn’t tried to kill you because he wants info on the U.S. military,” Chu said as she handed me some food. I took a few bites of chicken as she whispered in my ear “kill him in his sleep, we support you,” while rubbing up against me.

“What time is it?” I said as I put my arms around her. “11:30 pm, Ron. You’ve been in a trance all day.” Chu said as she got a little more handsy downstairs. I guess I could fool around with her for a little bit. I needed to think of how to take this organization over. We fooled around until we passed out. Old Eyepatch was screaming “octo-coochie” in his sleep again. I woke up around five in the morning because of that bastard.

I decided to explore a little bit and see if I could get any ideas. Those soldiers might be worth observing, especially the one with missing fingers. I’m going to call him “Stubs,” and he might be my ticket. They seemed to respect him the most. Whenever he put his hand over his eye, Stubs sounded angry. If I had to guess, Eyepatch punished Stubs. But what for? Touching the harem girls that I’ve gotten away with fooling around with? Did he try to steal the tiger cub?

So Stubs is a respected warrior that hates Eyepatch. If I kill Eyepatch in a brutal fashion, that could win his respect. Oh, that’s cool: I just noticed his octopus tattoo. This was too good! That mentally disturbed idiot that wakes me up screaming “coochie” is about to get his. I decided to go back to the girls before Chu wakes up.

As I entered the harem room, the Rye-lu statue was glowing. I sat down and started eating some rice as he began to speak once more. “Fyord Ron mnor Eyepatch rthanu,” Rye-lu bellowed at me. I needed to get this done within the next couple days. Some chicken would go great with this. I really do like the options for sauces that they have, which is pretty cool: I’m surprised they have barbecue sauce here. I guess Eyepatch or Stubs knows a good smuggler.

I should probably sleep a little bit before the Sun comes up. In my dreams, I walked through a strange realm filled with books, women, and tentacles. “Champion” was chanted at me as I made my way to a small temple near the lake. Inside, Rye-lu was meditating, and girls were singing in a strange tongue. A priestess tapped me on the shoulder, and as I turned to her, the girls dispersed. “You need to kill Eyepatch tonight; he’s had a vision about you. He’s going to try to drag you in front of his men,” said the priestess dressed in resplendent green robes.

I turned back to Rye-lu standing with his finger pointing at the door. Once I left, I woke up from my brief nap. Chu had brought food over to me and was singing some folk song. I wondered if any of these girls have access to drugs. I know that one of the younger harem girls brings him food every day, so I could convince her to get him high for me. “Hey Chu, do you know where to get drugs?” I said as pulled her onto the bed. “Yeah, Linh has a stash of it. She has opium, kratom, and molly. Why do you ask?” said Chu with a surprised look. “Can you have her mix it with Eyepatch’s food? I want him to be really friendly when I put him down,” I said as I ran my fingers through her hair. She smiled and got out of bed. She was talking to a girl that I assumed is Linh.

As the day passed, I kept having visions of Rye-lu’s realm: treasure, women, and armies at my disposal for the rise of my empire. I was going to conquer Southeast Asia and start a fast food chain. My Cajun Vietnamese fusion food will take over the world. It’ll be called “Rye’s Chicken,” and America’s West Coast will love it. Quotes from the holy texts of Rye-lu will be on every box of chicken. Our faith will displace the modern Abrahamic faiths that have held humanity back. Southeast Asia will be our holy land. The Muslims have Mecca, the Christians have Jerusalem. Phase one is war, and phase two is winning people over with chicken. Changing people’s beliefs using the free market is the American way. Maybe I should get a local to dress up as a clown wearing a tentacle cape. Yeah, the Yankees will love that.

Chu’s coming back; this should be good. “She’s going to do it, you need to kill him soon,” Chu whispered in my ear. It was getting close to eleven; he should be eating very soon. The delivery girl left a few moments ago. She came back, and Chu came over with a knife. “Go off, King,” Chu said as she handed me the knife. I put it in my coat and left for Eyepatch’s room. The halls were empty and the air smelled like apples. I guess the priests forgot to put out the incense.

I guessed that the statue of tigers next to the red door led to his room. “Pitbulls stole my baby,” Eyepatch screamed as I opened the door. He was still wearing clothes at least. “Oh, hello American! Have you seen my baby? Some nasty pitbulls took it,” said Eyepatch while barely maintaining his balance. “Have you checked the balcony?” I said as I reached into my jacket for the knife. “Good idea, American!” said Eyepatch as he ran to go check. Eyepatch moved around frantically looking for his imaginary baby.

“He’s not here, American! Where’d you get that knife?” said Eyepatch as he leaned on the railing. “I’m going to help you find him, buddy! Put both hands on my wrist and pull it into your stomach. It’ll help you think about where the pitbulls went,” I said as he nodded in agreement. The fool pulled the knife into his stomach, and then he started to sober up. “Bastard!” was the last word he uttered before I pushed him off the balcony.

My new army and the harem will be excited to find out about their ex-leader’s passing. “I am your leader now; Rye-lu commands it!” I yelled as the soldiers approached the corpse of Eyepatch. Stubs knelt before me, and the rest of the men followed. This is where my beautiful reign began, and Rye-lu’s era commenced.

The next few weeks would be spent feasting, looting, and hearing the orgasms of my enemy’s women. A show of strength had to be made before the other militants would defect to my cause. Many of them have been fooled by acolytes of Marx and Mao, foolish charlatans trying to sell a shiny cart with no wheels. The Americans are selling them a cart with one wheel, which is slightly better. But the shining path that Rye-lu has shown me will grant them a better life.

“What happens now?” Chu said with glee as I picked her up. “Conquest and chicken,” I said as I took her somewhere more private. Hours of lovemaking were spent between us. Chu and I will rule everything. I’ll expand my harem along the way, of course. I’ll make Genghis Khan jealous, and I’ll actually leave something behind.

After I got done with Chu, I spent the next two days designing new uniforms and writing speeches. I think an Octopus-influenced German imperial uniform would look great. Of course, I’ll need to talk to Stubs about getting airplanes. I heard the U.S. funded democratic forces have an airfield, and I’m sure they won’t mind sharing it with us.

I’ll also need to think of some good chicken recipes for the fast food chain. Maybe I could fry them in octopus oil? What would that taste like? I’ll have one of the prisoners test it out for me. They already eat weird shit like cow tongue anyway, so I’m sure they’ll be able to handle it. “I need your assistance, Stubs!” I yelled with devious intent. He arrived in a hurry as I pointed at the octopus tank and said “get in.” He shook his head and stomped his feet as I laughed. “You’ll get in or I’ll tell the boys about your dress-up hobby,” I said as he reluctantly approached the tank. I pushed him in, and he showed me his middle stub once he turned around to look at me. “That’s not nice, Mr. Stubs. Just sit patiently while I draw the mascot for my fast food chain,” I said as I grabbed my journal. Oh, it looks like Stubs has a new friend! Don’t octopuses get frisky around this time of year? “Stay still, Stubs, he won’t hurt you. He might do something to you, but you’re probably into that sort of thing,” I said as the tentacles began to appear.

I was almost done, and it looked like Stubs was going to be singing a new tune soon. I just needed to do the eyes on the octopus head. I was going for a very cartoony look that kids will appreciate. Alright, I was finished. “I’ll leave the two of you alone; it looks like you’ll be forming a new bond tonight. Good luck, Stubs!” I said trying to contain my laughter as I left to go back to the harem room. I could hear his pleas for help in the distance, but after a few hours, I figured he’d submitted to his new role.