Two scruffy old alcoholics named Rab and Jimmy are sitting in a bar opposite Edinburgh Waverley railway station nursing their pints of Caledonia Best, both with excruciating hangovers.
These young lads don’t know how good they goat it the day, says Rab.
How ye mean?
Thuv goat porn on thir phones, porn on thir tablets, porn on thir laptops. The best we hud in oor day was a copy of Razzle and staying up late and watching the ten minute free view on the Playboy Channel. In ma hoose, I’m still watching porn on VHS, fir fucks sakes. Ah should at least get wi the times and start watching porn DVDs.
Aye, me too. Ah remember it well, says Jimmy. Thir also used tae be this cable channel that hud naked lassies playing darts late at night.
That wasnae Naked Darts, that wis Topless Darts, ya silly wee cunt. Aye, I remember they used to also huv this late night celebrity game show where they would all be naked. Ah recall seeing Keith Chegwin’s tiny wee flaccid dick; it wasnae a pretty sight, I kin tell ye.
Aye, they may have all this porn, but they’re all incels, man. Lads these days cannae get no fanny like.
What ye talkin aboot? The fuck’s an incel, ye doss cunt?
The Yanks call ‘em incels or involuntary celibates, lads that nivir get no fanny. Not that they cannae git fanny likes. It’s just they spend so much time wankin’ over porn on thir phones they cannae get it up by the time they’re 21.
What impotent likes?
A full-on Mr. Floppy.
Fuck that shit, no fanny likes in your sexual prime as a man. I’d be fuckin’ every burd in the scheme if I was 21 again.
Aye, me too, of course ye couldne have topless darts oan the telly the day. Nicola Sturgeon would say it’s degrading woman ‘n all that shite.
Aye, I’d love tae shag that Nicola Sturgeon likes. I think she’s deid sexy, ya ken? In fact, I’d drag ma baws across broken glass just ti sniff her shite.
Aye, I’d fuck her tooo, anything for an independent Scotland likes. I’d fuck that Theresa May tooo, ya ken?
Do ya ken if Alex Salmond has shagged Sturgeon like?
Naw, fat bastard like him would squash her, ya ken?
Aye, probably right. Anyweys, I’ve always been a Labour man maself and always will be.
Labour huv always been English cunts and will always be English cunts.
Thit’s no true, I vote Labour ‘cause I believe in a socialist Scotland. Still better than those Conservative cunts, anywey.
Aye, if you truly believed in an independent socialist Scotland, then you’d vote SSP!
What, Scottish Socialist Party? Aye, maybe I will in the next election. Ah reckon that Colin Fox gets loadsa fanny.
Aye, up tae his knees in it, I reckon.
Do ya ken that Chinese fella who sells the pirated DVDs will be in later?
Get ti fuck, nay dodgy cunt sells DVDs no more, ye daft cunt. Get with the times, ye stupid wee prick.
How the fuck would ah, Ken? I’m an auld man. DVDs is getting wi the time for me. Ah think Il go tae the adult shop aroond the corner and buy some now, me thinks. This beer tastes like pish anywey and I’m really horny. I’m oota here.
See ye later, ye durty wee cunt.
Aye, see ye mate.
Joe Murray has been a merchant mariner for many years and has been lucky enough to travel the world with his job. He took up writing short stories as a hobby to distance himself from the drinking culture that is heavily ingrained in his occupation. Murray was inspired by his father, who used to enter short story competitions for Ireland’s Own. His stories are often like an enjoyable mix of Dennis Lehane and Irvine Welsh. Murray divides his time between Somerset, England and Ibiza, Spain.