The clink and clatter of heavy china and silverware underlies a dull roar. Dozens of people talking: aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents, cousins, friends, significant others, all people who normally don’t see each other often, chatter among themselves.

The bar is busy.

The air redolent of starched fiber, varying qualities of perfume, cologne, steak, or baked salmon; your pick. And the mixture of body odors from young Jenny, recent valedictorian of Cock Tease U, to Old Uncle Frank, who is dying of cancer.

They are gathered here today to celebrate a “special” day: little Johnny and little Suzy got married. Bridesmaids are eying up groomsmen thinking, I am so horny, he’ll do tonight.

The clarion ring of a fork on a wine glass brings a hush to the assembled hoard of middle-class suburbanites.

The speeches begin, funny anecdotes are shared, the best man does his best jerk bro wishing of little Johnny and Suzy the best.

Little Johnny stands up and addresses the crowd for the performance of a lifetime, a few beads of sweat condensing in his trendy neckbeard. Not an uncommon thing for a nervous, overweight 36-year-old man who has spent the last two hours drinking and dancing.

“Everyone, first, I would like to thank you all for coming out for Susan and I’s special day.”

Let’s get on with this shitshow, motherfuckers.

“I can’t express how grateful we are, for all of you guys and the gifts,” Johnny says with a laugh.

Did anyone think of me? Did anyone think to get me a pocket pussy?

“For some, this is the first time in a long time we’ve seen each other.”

There’s a reason why.

“And for others, the first time meeting.”

Blah blah blah, I better get a move on it.

“It was four years ago when we met…”

Trust me, she looked halfway decent then; her tits at least still stood out enough from her body for a decent motorboat.

“…when I first saw Suzy, it was out at Chasers with our mutual friend…”

To be honest, it was kind of dark.


Who I didn’t know at the time was banging her as a side chick. Guess that makes us Eskimo brother-in-laws. Seriously, not only was she fucking Josh, but she was also fucking her married boss.

“…who introduced me to this lovely redhead.” Johnny makes a big show of gesturing to Suzy.

The color is even more amazing with a load of jizz on it. Something I’ve seen enough of to have it seared into my memory.

“And I thought…”

I didn’t think: I was six beers in and saw melons and a halfway decent, eager body.

“ is the woman I want to be with.”

Not really; she practically grabbed my dick.

“It was instant chemistry…”

Yeah, alcohol and her biological clock spurred on by the hormones her aging, much-abused ovaries were pumping out.

“…when Josh introduced us…”

Dumped on me. She was chasing his dick at first. Amazing how fast a 28-and-a-half-year-old woman can switch gears.

“…and we became fast friends…”

Hardcore fuckbuddies. Two hours and I was pounding away at her plump, loose sugar walls after a show of her sword-swallowing skills.

“…and after a couple of months I knew…”

I was just a lazy bastard getting regular ass and it turned into a semi-permanent thing.

“…she was the one for me.”

Lie, lie, lie. I just couldn’t keep begging for ass on Bumble under the pretense of looking for a relationship.

“…Suzy felt the same way, and that was when I first told her, ‘I love you,’ and she told me, ‘I love you too.’”

She’d yelled the word enough in bed. “I love the way you fuck me, Daddy.”

“It was a beautiful spring day in the park…”

I remember watching the kids playing on the playground, swinging, riding down the slides. I wished there and then that I could be ten again. We’d been fighting because I caught her texting an old “flame.” Where were my old “flames?” Oh yeah, that’s right: I look at another girl and she flips. I can’t even jerk off to smut when she’s in the apartment.

“…it was perfect. I knew I had to keep this woman.”

I’m a chickenshit who is afraid of being alone. She also alluded to blackening my name as an abusive boyfriend.

“I got a promotion at work to regional head a year later. We moved in together…”

When she heard about that doubling of my salary, she let me ass-fuck her. Twice.

“…it may have seemed perfect…”

Then Suzy let me know she wanted to try cuckolding. She loved me, but we needed more excitement in our love life. Everything with this bitch is just one exciting high after another.

“…but we had our ups and downs…”

I got to watch her get railed from behind, face pressed into our bed by a rainbow coalition of muscled-out fuckboys. I’m looking at two of them right now.

Johnny raises his glass, “…in the end, love grew…”

I got turned on. I would jerk it hard while some dude pumped his seed into her. Then we’d hate-fuck for the next week. I swear, each time I fucked her while grabbing a handful of that red hair, I was hoping it was break-up sex.

“…and as our friends got married off and the future looked secure…”

Hey; we’d moved in together, we’d fuck on the regular. I had money, and it’s not like she was cucking me every month. Just every other month. Got to reach those milestones, amirite?

“…I decided to take the plunge and made the best decision of my life: I asked Susan to marry me.”

I hate my life. Why am I doing this? At least she stopped fucking dudes in front of me and sending me pictures of her sucking other guys’ cocks while at work.

“And she said, ‘Yes.’”

I hate everyone here. You’re all smiling while I am being set up with some hotwife wannabe.

“And so here we are, ready to continue this crazy journey together with our friends and family. With all of you.”

Yes, yes, all the clichés. Sit there all smiles. Like the fake one I have after finding all about this piece of shit cunt. Goddamn Facebook, having to look at her college photos; that’s THE chick I imagine fucking when I am pounding away at her gash. Slim, hot, fun, and in the moment. Not the constantly plotting, bitching, and conniving whore I am stuck with now. No, the Division II Basketball team at her college got that girl, while I am stuck with some whiny, neurotic, ever-expanding fat lump of shit. Fucking seriously? Twenty years of hard work to end up with this redheaded slut? I am supposed to blast my baby batter into this bitch? My kid is going to come into this world sliding down her rotten cunt? Oh yeah, whore, I am sure you got in one “last” wild fuck at your bachelorette party last night; you went out with your bridal party and those two sluts, Lizzy and Simone. Not that they’d ever tell. I’m sure they’re looking forward to getting even drunker and fucking Josh and his friends. Did you even douche for tonight?

“And again, I would like to thank you all for celebrating the happiest day of our lives.”

I̷̡͠ ̵͢WAN̸͞T̷̛ ̶̵͠T̸̕͟Ò͟͡ ͠R͝I҉͟Ṕ̛ O҉̛UT Y͘OUR̀ ̛́͠B̴̧ÀBY͞͡ ̨͏̶B҉L̀̀͡ÚE̢S͏ A͡N̷̢͢D̷ ͠͝SH̡OV̨͠͡E҉̡ ͏̡͠TH҉̡͜E͟M U͟P̡ ̵́Y̸ÓU͠R̡ ͟͝͝R̵̶̀E̴̢A̢͏M̵̧͢E̶̴D͢-҉O̵͜Ú̶T̸ ̕͟A̧S̸̀S̡̨ Ý̢͞OU҉̀͘ ̶̶̨C̡̨U̧M̕-G̡A̵R̕G̡L͟͢Į́͝NG̸̨ P̢͞I̛EC͘E̡͞ ̶̶̧O̸͞F͠ ́͠͝S̷̡̧H̕IT̛̀́ ̴̕F҉U̕C̷̸KIN̵͝G̸̢ ̸̡S͘͞L҉͟U̡̨҉T́!̕͡͏!҉!͏͜!͏̵҉!͢

Applause echoes throughout the hall. Johnny soaks in all the attention, standing in the spotlight like a deer caught in headlights, holding his champagne in a toast. He freezes, as if stunned by the laudations of everyone. Johnny drops his glass and spreads his arms wide in a gesture commanding silence.

“Oh, and one more thing!” he shouts.

Reaching into his pants, he pulls his cock and balls out, and with the other hand, he pulls out a Bond Arms Derringer loaded with .410 shot shells.

Johnny cocks the hammer.

“Fuck all of you.”

And blows his junk off.