ketchup
one of the first counsellors I
saw told me that he dated a
page 3 girl / he got frustrated
with my apparent lack of
progress / told me that I’m
better than this / another
expectation placed on me /
if it’s not being told to get
a job it’s some man in
a musty office assuming
he knows everything about me /
my real therapy was drinking
tequila from a sombrero topped
bottle in my bedroom while I
had a meltdown watching schindler’s
list / he could have saved more / I
could have saved no one / least of
all my damaged self
ordering take out every night /
chicken burgers / pizza / chinese /
indian / kebabs / it beats sticky
floors in a rundown pub / no
school reunions / no judging /
cheesecake crumbs on my bed /
lie on my bed / the world is
ending / buildings are crashing
down like fight club / the clock
ran forward in a psychedelic
mania / melting / distorting /
dragging my boots down
the street / lips red / hair
full of glitter / told a friend
if she would hide cigarettes
if I started smoking / therapy /
drink more / black out / make
coffee / on the bus to the high
street / had no sleep / meet
friend for breakfast / don’t
eat anything / go home /
damp hair / sleep into the
curls / never wake up
not good enough
my past got posted through
my letterbox / Japanese photographs
from almost one hundred years ago
a christmas present that didn’t get
delivered / the tears continue to
run riot down the lines on my
face / almost bought you a box
of cigars / they’d go to waste now
/ sitting by the fireplace with a copy
of Lolita / I feel sick all the fucking time
/ my stomach is no man’s land / waging
war on love / back to feeling not good
enough / back to feeling like second best /
I imagined a life with you / mornings in
your apartment / you’d make Tamagoyaki /
overdone with a little too much sugar / how
do I live with the fact it will never be true? /
no gestures / no hugs / no holding hands / no
love / you can’t forget someone like you / that
is something I will never do
Courtenay S. Gray is a writer from the north of England. You’ll find her work in an array of journals such as A Thin Slice of Anxiety, Misery Tourism, Expat Press, Red Fez, and many more. She will often post on her blog here.
