As soon as I took a seat in Deepak’s worn sofa, I opened my mouth to speak, but instead burst out crying.
“What’s going on, Beth?” Deepak asked concerned.
“I think I might be possessed,” I blurted out.
“Possessed?”
“Yes, I was talking to a work colleague and he said maybe I was possessed or have a split personality. Do you think that?”
“Hang on a minute. Is this workmate a psychiatrist?”
“No, he’s the same as me, a special needs assistant.”
“Well, I don’t think he has the right to diagnose you if he isn’t a specialist.”
I started to calm down a bit. I took a minute to blow my nose.
“He didn’t really diagnose me, but I needed to speak to someone and I told him about what was going on. He has a lot of self-help books and has gone through some trauma himself. He was just passing on something that he read.”
Deepak was frowning. That’s the first time I’d seen him frowning.
“He wants to see you, by the way.”
“Who?”
“This workmate of mine, Taylor; his name is Taylor.”
“Oh.“ He put his hand on his chin. I could see him thinking.
“Well I think the best course of action is another hypnosis session. Are you okay with that?”
“I think so, but you’re not going to call a priest or something?” I tried to joke about it, but I was scared.
Dee smiled, which was a relief.
“Let’s get you comfortable.”
We started the hypnosis procedure, but I found it very difficult to relax and let go. I was afraid of what I might see and also what I might do. Dee realized it wasn’t working, so he put on some kind of relaxation music.
“This music is subliminal, which means it’s giving you messages that you can’t register consciously. It may make it easier to go into the hypnosis state. So I’d like you to just relax and listen to the music. Try not to think of anything, but if you do, just go back to concentrating on your breathing.”
My heart was still beating like crazy and I was fearful of going under, but I trusted Deepak, so I started to count my breaths in and out like he told me. After a while, I could feel myself relaxing; my body melting into the mat. I had my eyes closed and Deepak started to speak. Gradually I was going under, deeper and deeper, back to the car, back to the accident.
This time, I was very aware of what was happening. I could see Chris at the wheel, myself smiling at his lame joke, raising my voice for him to slow down, screaming at him to stop. I then saw myself unconscious in the passenger seat, my head bleeding from the crash. Chris was alive. I saw him coming off the steering wheel, leaning back. There was a lot of blood on him. He grabbed my hand and put it to his heart. He was trying to speak. I could see him mouthing some words. “What are you saying, Chris? Please tell me.” I was crying and talking aloud in my hypnotic state. Suddenly, I heard him. “Take my soul, Beth. Let me live.” He then gasped his last breath and fell over the steering wheel.
Dee quickly got me out of the trance and brought me back to the room. I could still feel my hand on his heart. I brought my own hand to my heart and held it there.
Dee allowed me to take my time to fully awaken and be aware of my surroundings. I eventually sat back on the couch but kept the blanket over me with Teddy on my lap. Dee handed me a glass of water, which I drank greedily.
I looked into Deepak’s eyes and spoke with conviction, “I am possessed, aren’t I?”
Deepak took my hand and smiled. “Not really, but well, sort of.”
He let go and sat back in his chair.
“To be honest, I was thinking about a split personality. There were some characteristics of that, such as the change in your behaviour; however, you do not go in and out of a personality. You are fully aware of what you’re doing and saying. You haven’t had any blackouts or loss of time. I don’t like the term possession; it brings up connotations of evil and demons. This is not what is happening to you, but,” Deepak paused for dramatic effect, “you are possessing some of your late brother’s characteristics, such as a lower voice, the love of whiskey, liking the same sex…”
I blushed at that.
“Do you know anything about quantum physics?” he asked.
“No.”
“Well, it can be quite complicated, but also not complicated. Quantum particles behave like waves. If you send a beam of photons through a narrow slit, they will spread out on the far side. Beams of light will appear as if waves went through the slit, allowing it to appear on the other side. As humans, we are made of flesh and blood, but we are also made up of energy. With this energy, we are all connected. Which is what reiki is based on. We all can tap into the universal energy field to do healing and balance our chakras. Why is it that when someone calls on the phone, you sometimes know who it is before you answer it; you can feel someone’s emotional state just by being in the same room as them, even though they haven’t said anything. I believe this energy doesn’t die; it lives on, maybe in a house that someone lived in, maybe in an object that was dear to them, or inside someone else…” Deepak’s eyes were alight, so obviously this was important to him. He continued, “With quantum physics, the belief is that we decide what outcome we have (more or less). I see you and you see me, but quite possibly if we were on another planet, we would look or behave differently to another species.”
He was losing me and he could see it.
“Sorry; as I said, it can be complicated and very simple. When you were with your brother at the end of his life on Earth, he connected to you energetically. He asked you to take his soul and let him live. The quantum waves went from him to you. In your subconscious state, you decided to take his essence, to carry on his life. “
It didn’t make sense to me, but at the same time, it did make sense to me. Instinctively, I put my hands on my heart and I could feel my heart beating, but also my brother’s. I remember reading about heart transplant patients that take on some of the characteristics of the person whose heart was donated. My brother’s heart was transplanted into mine.
I laughed out loud. “I get it now. Wow. That’s incredible, but I still want to be me. How can I be myself and still have some of Christian’s…what did you call it?”
“Essence?”
“Yeah, essence. Can I have both?”
“That’s up to you.”
I needed some time to think about it.
That’s all I thought about for the next week. On one hand, I wanted to keep part of Christian inside me, but on the other, I wanted to be myself. What was myself anyway?
I would never be the same woman I was before the accident. I feel stronger, more resilient, and certainly more empowered. Is that what Christian felt those last few months with me?
I visited my mom’s grave. I knelt down and replaced the wilted plant.
“Mom, what should I do? Is Christian even with you now? Or is too much of him inside me? I’m so confused. I could really use your help.”
I had the urn with Christian’s remains in my apartment, up on my bookshelf. I didn’t know what to do with them.
That night after I visited my mom’s grave, I had a dream. My mom was working in the department store. She was quite a bit younger. I was waiting in line to get served at her register, but I didn’t have anything to purchase. When it was my turn, she said, “There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. I need you to go to this address.” She handed me a piece of paper. “But you’ll need these.” My mom handed me two bags. There was nothing in them.
“There’s nothing in them?” I said.
“Of course there is; you’re just not looking. Now off you go; you haven’t got long.”
I was confused and didn’t know what to do. When I looked at the paper, it was blank. I wanted to go back to see my mom again, but she was gone. The bags were suddenly heavy and I could barely lift them. I was dragging them along the floor. Suddenly, Christian appeared and he took them. He gave one back to me and said, “This one’s yours.” I woke up after that.
That dream followed me everywhere. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would come up with various interpretations, but I still didn’t know what to do, until I got a phone call from Christian’s AA sponsor.
“Hi, Beth, you don’t know me but I’m, sorry, I mean I was your brother’s gambling/drug addictions sponsor. My name is Pete, Peter Campbell. I was so sorry to hear of the accident and his death. I understand you were in a coma?”
“Yes.”
“That’s so traumatic, and to lose your brother. Anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am and also to say that your brother was making such good progress. He really wanted you to be proud of him. He spoke a lot about you.”
I had tears in my eyes and could barely speak, “That’s, that’s very kind, I…”
I had to give myself a few minutes to compose myself. I wanted to give Christian recognition for what he had accomplished and I felt I couldn’t just leave it there.
“Uh, Pete, I’m wondering, is there, not sure if this is possible, but is there anyway, or anything that I can do to help others with similar problems, like my brother’s?”
“Well, some family members will give talks to other addicts about what their family member went through and how they had changed. You could even go to high schools and give a talk…”
“Yes, yes, that would be great. I work in the school system, elementary system, but I could talk to someone about high schools.”
“That would be awesome. Thank you.”
“No, thank you.”
We spoke further about details and I said I would get back to him in a couple of weeks. I had some other details that I needed to deal with.
I made an appointment with Deepak.
Once on Dee’s sofa and holding Teddy in my hands, I re-told the dream. I also told him about Peter and what we had discussed.
“That’s a wonderful legacy for your brother. He would be very proud.”
“I’ve thought about the dream nonstop, and one thing that is bothering me is that Chris might not be with my mom. What if he’s, or part of him, is in limbo, not going to the other side or whatever you call it. I’d hate to think that he’s stuck somewhere, attached to me and not having left the Earth. It doesn’t seem right.”
“You mentioned that you haven’t done anything with Chris’s ashes. What do you think about spreading them somewhere or putting them next to your mom’s grave?”
“Yes, I need to do something, and I think I’d like him to be next to her, with a headstone.”
“That’s a decisive plan. By keeping his memory alive through the AA talks and giving him a final resting place, that is keeping his essence alive.”
“What about the energy he implanted in me, or whatever you call it. How can I release it without hurting him; ya know, taking it off me when I promised to hold on to it.”
“You will always have him in your heart, just like you have your mom in your heart. It doesn’t mean you will discard him if he leaves your physical body.”
“How can I do that then? Hypnosis?”
“Yes, we can take you through an exorcism of sorts.”
“Oh my God, you’re not going to put a crucifix on me and holy water?”
“No , no, nothing like that.”
I was still apprehensive, but I wanted Chris to be where he belongs, not stuck in me.
I got into the hypnosis position that I had come to know over these weeks. It felt familiar, yet there was a sense of foreboding. I was scared, but my resolve to help Christian and get back myself overrode that fear.
Dee began in the usual way and I could feel myself going deeper and deeper into the trance. He stopped short of getting me to go where I would have no conscious recollection.
“You are back in the car, Beth. Can you see Christian?”
I could see myself in the passenger seat. I turned my head and looked at Chris. He was telling his joke and I was listening, but this time, I was somehow disconnected to what was going on.
I still smiled like I had before; I urged him to slow down when he was speeding up. This time, however, I felt no fear. The crash came and I calmly told Dee, “We’ve crashed, but I don’t feel any attachment to what’s happened.”
“That’s good, Beth. Now, when Chris takes your hand, wake up in the car.”
“How, how do I do that? He’s taking it now…”
“You can do this. Wake up, open your eyes; come on, you can do this.“ Dee was urging me, his voice no longer soft, but insistent.
Suddenly, I was awake in the car. I grabbed Christian’s hand as he was taking mine.
“No, Chris,” I said. “You can’t live through me. I love you, but your time has come. You have to go to Mom now.”
“Please, Beth. It’s too soon,” Chris pleaded.
I placed his hand back on his chest. “Go, Chris. It’s alright. You’ll be alright.”
Silently Chris nodded. I saw a shaft of light go from me into Chris. I slumped forward.
Someone was calling me. It seemed to be far away.
The voice was more persistent and closer. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a concerned Deepak looking over me. I smiled, “He’s gone. Chris has gone,“ I said.
Gradually, I began to feel more like my normal self, pre-coma. I no longer craved cigarettes or whiskey; thinking of going back to some of the bars I frequented made me shudder. I stopped going to the gym, but I did sign up for yoga classes, which kept me centred, focused, and relaxed. One thing that stayed with me, however, is my attraction to women. I guess I was always gay or lesbian or whatever the correct term is. I’m slowly learning to accept it and look forward to having a girlfriend.
Ella and Colin hooked up. It was inevitable, I guess. They drew comfort from each other when I was in a coma, and through my erratic behaviour, they got closer. I have told them both about my sexual preference and Ella has been very supportive, but Colin not so much. I can’t blame him, really. Hopefully he’ll come around.
I have been going to high schools with Peter and giving talks about drug and gambling addictions and what happened to my brother. The talks and the feedback have been very cathartic. Peter is amazing and has become a friend.
I put Christian’s ashes next to our mom’s and erected a headstone. I have been visiting weekly. I feel he is at peace now, and I know it sounds cheesy, but he’s in a better place. I still have regrets that I let him drive that day. If I hadn’t, Chris might still be here now. This is one of the things I am working on with Deepak. I have a biweekly session with him, but no more hypnosis. I am also taking a course on quantum energy and something called “Matrix Energetics.” They are both fascinating subjects and with so much to learn.
At our last session, Deepak gave me a gift.
“I want you to have Teddy.” He handed me the scraggly bear, one of the most important tools (for me anyway) in our journey to healing. “You two have been through a lot and I believe it’s fitting for him or her to be with you.”
“What about your patients. What will they use?”
Dee pulled out a stuffed panda bear from behind his chair.
“Meet my new assistant.” He flashed his famous smile.
I had tears in my eyes. I accepted Teddy gratefully and decided to name him “Chris.”
I must confess; I regularly cuddle him every night and will continue to do so, until I get a girlfriend, that is.
***
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Lori is a Reiki master/therapist and certified counsellor. She has written poetry, short stories, lyrics for her husband’s music, and self-published a novel with Balboa Press called The Vision. Lori has another novel which she has finished and is actively working to get published. Her hobbies (besides writing) include walking, jigsaw puzzles, learning and practising alternative healing, and travelling with her husband in their trailer. Lori is married to her husband who is also a Reiki master and musician. They have two sons and two beautiful grand-daughters. They live in the amazing province of British Columbia, Canada.
