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- Alexandria said hi by flashing her ass at me while dancing in white sweatpants.
- Stacy was from Ohio and pronounced it “A-hi-A.”
- Constance lashed out at her adoptive white parents by stealing from gas stations.
- Jenny was kicking herself for not registering in time to vote for Ron Paul.
- Audrey was the only Sonic Youth fan in her hometown.
- Jen was dating an underemployed video game addict.
- Janelle responded to my FilipinoCupid PM five minutes later.
- Madison got a tattoo that she couldn’t afford to get filled in.
- Irina’s face looked like the dark side of the moon.
- Oleksandra spoke fluent English.
- Alexandria called me a “slut” when I lied about sleeping with four other girls.
- Stacy brought up her masturbation habits out of nowhere.
- Constance and I had a drunk conversation about Bukowski.
- Jenny said I was the first guy who’d ever been nice to her.
- Audrey had never been east of Bismarck and thought Syracuse was the “big city.”
- Jen got me drunk in a bar then told me how she was molested as a child.
- Janelle and I had our first date at a McDonald’s.
- Madison was impressed when I guessed that she was an Edgar Allan Poe fan.
- Irina was so heavy she threw off my car’s alignment.
- Oleksandra only dated foreigners because other Ukrainians thought she was ugly.
- Alexandria wore a stretched-out Che T-shirt to accentuate her large boobs.
- Stacy hid her protruding stomach with a babydoll dress.
- Constance had to shave her nipples every few days.
- Jenny wore clothes that didn’t fit right because she’d recently lost weight.
- Audrey’s pale eyes distracted from her Gilbert Gottfried nose.
- Jen blamed her flat chest on her mother not feeding her properly.
- Janelle used skin-whitening cream and an umbrella when the sun was out.
- Madison had a mole by her lips that she had to shave.
- Irina ate the equivalent of five Kit-Kats a day.
- Oleksandra wore platinum blonde hair extensions.
- Alexandria pushed me onto her bed and called me “white boy.”
- Stacy yanked on my dick like she was pulling a weed up by the roots.
- Constance clawed my back so hard when she climaxed that she drew blood.
- Jenny yelped and grimaced and left a bloodstain on the bedsheets.
- Audrey didn’t tell me she was a virgin until I had her on her back.
- Jen kissed me five feet away from her sleeping boyfriend.
- Janelle’s vagina was too short for me to fit all the way inside.
- Madison only had boring Methodist sex instead of the filthy Catholic sex I was used to.
- Irina asked me what took me so long when I finally kissed her.
- Oleksandra laid back and thought of Ісус.
- Alexandria was my first.
- Stacy pretended to be a slut because she wanted me to like her.
- Constance dated me to get back at her adoptive white parents.
- Jenny was my first time being a first.
- Audrey told me I was the first man who made her feel like a woman.
- Jen told me she loved me while she was engaged to someone else.
- Janelle told me she loved me three weeks after we met.
- Madison wanted to steal me away from Jen.
- Irina had crushed on me for over a year.
- Oleksandra wanted a white picket fence in the Warsaw suburbs.
- Alexandria didn’t like it when I listened to Michael Savage.
- Stacy called me an asshole for nearly throwing up at the sight of her bush.
- Constance accused me of neglecting her when I was fifteen minutes late coming home.
- Jenny got angry when I called her clingy.
- Audrey started crying because I wouldn’t introduce her to my friends or family.
- Jen threatened to kill me if I didn’t have sex with her.
- Janelle was horrified when I threatened a beggar on the streets of Davao.
- Madison slapped me across the face because I looked at her asshole.
- Irina wanted me to move to Omaha with her.
- Oleksandra wanted to move to Lviv with her.
- Alexandria didn’t know who Che Guevara was.
- Stacy refused to have sex with the lights on.
- Constance broke my bed’s slats with make-up sex.
- Jenny missed class so she could look after me after I sprained my ankle.
- Audrey never swore except when she was upset.
- Jen urinated on my bedroom floor while drunk.
- Janelle bandaged my foot up after the tropical heat caused the skin on my sole to split open.
- Madison clogged my kitchen sink with bacon grease after making breakfast.
- Irina always squeaked like a mouse when I put it in.
- Oleksandra made out with me at the Lviv Opera House during a Christmas show.
- Alexandria broke up with me when I refused to go to a feminist march.
- Stacy ran out of my room after I told her to get out of my sight.
- Constance’s adoptive white family saved me from her psycho freakouts.
- Jenny burst into tears when I told her that she should find someone else.
- Audrey dumped me over Skype for some guy from her church.
- Jen accused me of being a manipulative narcissist.
- Janelle didn’t believe me when I said I was going back to the U.S. to take care of my family.
- Madison got drunk at the theater bar and called me a fag.
- Irina started crying when I told her I was moving to Budapest instead of Omaha.
- Oleksandra went ghost when I chose to stay in Budapest.
- Alexandria and I fucked because I didn’t know how to make love.
- Stacy and I would have awkwardly fucked.
- Constance and I made love on good days and fucked on bad days.
- Jenny and I made love because she was too fragile for fucking.
- Audrey and I fucked under the guise of making love.
- Jen and I fucked because she wanted to hurt me.
- Janelle and I made love under the guise of fucking.
- Madison and I fucked because I wanted to hurt her.
- Irina made love and I fucked.
- Oleksandra fucked and I made love.
Matt Forney is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Terror House Press. He is an American writer and editor based in Latin America.