1. Alexandria said hi by flashing her ass at me while dancing in white sweatpants.
  2. Stacy was from Ohio and pronounced it “A-hi-A.”
  3. Constance lashed out at her adoptive white parents by stealing from gas stations.
  4. Jenny was kicking herself for not registering in time to vote for Ron Paul.
  5. Audrey was the only Sonic Youth fan in her hometown.
  6. Jen was dating an underemployed video game addict.
  7. Janelle responded to my FilipinoCupid PM five minutes later.
  8. Madison got a tattoo that she couldn’t afford to get filled in.
  9. Irina’s face looked like the dark side of the moon.
  10. Oleksandra spoke fluent English.
  1. Alexandria called me a “slut” when I lied about sleeping with four other girls.
  2. Stacy brought up her masturbation habits out of nowhere.
  3. Constance and I had a drunk conversation about Bukowski.
  4. Jenny said I was the first guy who’d ever been nice to her.
  5. Audrey had never been east of Bismarck and thought Syracuse was the “big city.”
  6. Jen got me drunk in a bar then told me how she was molested as a child.
  7. Janelle and I had our first date at a McDonald’s.
  8. Madison was impressed when I guessed that she was an Edgar Allan Poe fan.
  9. Irina was so heavy she threw off my car’s alignment.
  10. Oleksandra only dated foreigners because other Ukrainians thought she was ugly.
  1. Alexandria wore a stretched-out Che T-shirt to accentuate her large boobs.
  2. Stacy hid her protruding stomach with a babydoll dress.
  3. Constance had to shave her nipples every few days.
  4. Jenny wore clothes that didn’t fit right because she’d recently lost weight.
  5. Audrey’s pale eyes distracted from her Gilbert Gottfried nose.
  6. Jen blamed her flat chest on her mother not feeding her properly.
  7. Janelle used skin-whitening cream and an umbrella when the sun was out.
  8. Madison had a mole by her lips that she had to shave.
  9. Irina ate the equivalent of five Kit-Kats a day.
  10. Oleksandra wore platinum blonde hair extensions.
  1. Alexandria pushed me onto her bed and called me “white boy.”
  2. Stacy yanked on my dick like she was pulling a weed up by the roots.
  3. Constance clawed my back so hard when she climaxed that she drew blood.
  4. Jenny yelped and grimaced and left a bloodstain on the bedsheets.
  5. Audrey didn’t tell me she was a virgin until I had her on her back.
  6. Jen kissed me five feet away from her sleeping boyfriend.
  7. Janelle’s vagina was too short for me to fit all the way inside.
  8. Madison only had boring Methodist sex instead of the filthy Catholic sex I was used to.
  9. Irina asked me what took me so long when I finally kissed her.
  10. Oleksandra laid back and thought of Ісус.
  1. Alexandria was my first.
  2. Stacy pretended to be a slut because she wanted me to like her.
  3. Constance dated me to get back at her adoptive white parents.
  4. Jenny was my first time being a first.
  5. Audrey told me I was the first man who made her feel like a woman.
  6. Jen told me she loved me while she was engaged to someone else.
  7. Janelle told me she loved me three weeks after we met.
  8. Madison wanted to steal me away from Jen.
  9. Irina had crushed on me for over a year.
  10. Oleksandra wanted a white picket fence in the Warsaw suburbs.
  1. Alexandria didn’t like it when I listened to Michael Savage.
  2. Stacy called me an asshole for nearly throwing up at the sight of her bush.
  3. Constance accused me of neglecting her when I was fifteen minutes late coming home.
  4. Jenny got angry when I called her clingy.
  5. Audrey started crying because I wouldn’t introduce her to my friends or family.
  6. Jen threatened to kill me if I didn’t have sex with her.
  7. Janelle was horrified when I threatened a beggar on the streets of Davao.
  8. Madison slapped me across the face because I looked at her asshole.
  9. Irina wanted me to move to Omaha with her.
  10. Oleksandra wanted to move to Lviv with her.
  1. Alexandria didn’t know who Che Guevara was.
  2. Stacy refused to have sex with the lights on.
  3. Constance broke my bed’s slats with make-up sex.
  4. Jenny missed class so she could look after me after I sprained my ankle.
  5. Audrey never swore except when she was upset.
  6. Jen urinated on my bedroom floor while drunk.
  7. Janelle bandaged my foot up after the tropical heat caused the skin on my sole to split open.
  8. Madison clogged my kitchen sink with bacon grease after making breakfast.
  9. Irina always squeaked like a mouse when I put it in.
  10. Oleksandra made out with me at the Lviv Opera House during a Christmas show.
  1. Alexandria broke up with me when I refused to go to a feminist march.
  2. Stacy ran out of my room after I told her to get out of my sight.
  3. Constance’s adoptive white family saved me from her psycho freakouts.
  4. Jenny burst into tears when I told her that she should find someone else.
  5. Audrey dumped me over Skype for some guy from her church.
  6. Jen accused me of being a manipulative narcissist.
  7. Janelle didn’t believe me when I said I was going back to the U.S. to take care of my family.
  8. Madison got drunk at the theater bar and called me a fag.
  9. Irina started crying when I told her I was moving to Budapest instead of Omaha.
  10. Oleksandra went ghost when I chose to stay in Budapest.
  1. Alexandria and I fucked because I didn’t know how to make love.
  2. Stacy and I would have awkwardly fucked.
  3. Constance and I made love on good days and fucked on bad days.
  4. Jenny and I made love because she was too fragile for fucking.
  5. Audrey and I fucked under the guise of making love.
  6. Jen and I fucked because she wanted to hurt me.
  7. Janelle and I made love under the guise of fucking.
  8. Madison and I fucked because I wanted to hurt her.
  9. Irina made love and I fucked.
  10. Oleksandra fucked and I made love.