Awkward comedies are the worst. In fact, cringe-worthy crapfests like Curb Your Enthusiasm usually make me leave the room. A while back, I got an awkward wedding invitation worthy of Larry David. Not only had I banged the bride, I nailed one of her sorority sisters and lost my virginity to her high school best friend…all of which would be in attendance. Hooray! Full-on hater roundtable.
To cap off the awkwardness, the groom (a dude I barely knew) was friends with a bunch of nerds that wanted me to go to his bachelor party. Since I’m pretty much the only guy who has a clue about good times, one of the dork squad actually asked me to assume the role of planning the event. Yeah, that sounds like a very obvious trap, great idea. I’ll start booking Star Wars-themed strippers right now.
I was hanging out at a favorite restaurant while my waitress (a former girlfriend’s old roommate) was listening to me explain the awkward wedding scenario. Some random dude sitting next to me chimed into our conversation and the three of us hammered out a cost/benefit analysis of attending a wedding filled with former flings. The waitress left, so I bullshitted with the guy for a while until he bailed to go to some hippie concert.
The next day, I woke up to a text from my current bang buddy. “Tell me you didn’t just get a missed connection on Craigslist.”
Confused by sleep and the excitement of Craigslist, I had no idea what she was talking about. “Ug!” I said, which roughly translated to, “Who is this mystery Internet lass? Is she attractive? I’ll settle for ‘not fat.’” I issued a command to give me the URL so I could get connectin’:
Hi [Bronan],
We met for the first time tonight in a basement bar. You were with some friends, and I was alone on my way to a concert.
We talked about music, work, and computers.
I know it’s a long shot, but I thought you were as interested as I was (and probably as shy!).
Reply if you’re interested…very low key here, for sure!
Well, pickle my weiner and call me Rob Halford! Sho’ ‘nuff, it was the dude from the restaurant. I’d spent 20 minutes telling this guy probably the most bro story he’d ever heard, yet here he was hoping for a gay hookup? Talk about missing the point of “I banged an entire social circle and now one of them wants me to watch her get married.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Of course, the girl who’d found the ad had a field day making fun of me. “You gonna answer it or what? Was he cute? Get out your assless chaps!” She took it upon herself to answer for me:
Dear silly gay guy,
Since it’s opening day for the Rockies, I figured I’d let you know that [Bronan] doesn’t play for your team. Better luck next season.
Well, at least I have the bragging rights that I got a missed connection. Maybe next time, it’ll be that angry middle-aged woman with the shopping cart and the goiter who kept eyeing me hungrily on the downtown MAX line. Here’s to hoping!
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This is an excerpt from Matt Lawrence’s book, The Chronicles of Bronan the Barbarian: A Humor Compendium 2010-2013. You can purchase the book from Terror House Press here.
Matt Lawrence is the Art Director of Terror House Press and is the world’s greatest graphic designer, musician, and humor columnist, as well as mankind’s last hope for salvation. He enjoys heavy metal, physical fitness, and the art of partying. Matt has lived in exotic and bizarre locations around the country, including Fort Collins, Colorado, Portland, Oregon, and Des Moines, Iowa. He currently resides in Thailand, home of Southeast Asia’s finest traffic accidents. Matt has been fumbling around with art and illustration since childhood, where he drew crayon pictures of dinosaurs on his parents’ walls. He’s since semi-retired from destroying nice things and transitioned into creating digital artwork for the enjoyment of all mankind. Matt is also the author of The Chronicles of Bronan the Barbarian: A Humor Compilation 2010-2013, available from Terror House Press.
