Evelyn and Adam, still naked as the day he was born, made their way to an exit near Evelyn’s car. That there were no reporters, gawkers, coworkers, or law enforcement personnel near the car seemed like a small miracle to Evelyn. It was in fact a modest miracle.
“Okay, just hurry up and get into the car.”
“This largish red uhhh…thing is the car?”
“Yes.”
“How do I get in the car?”
“Pull up on the handle and the door will open.”
After an exasperating study of the car’s door, its handle, and the lack of clarity regarding why he should enter the car at all, Adam said, “I still find myself in need of assistance.”
Evelyn was now very aware that any variance in her newly acquired hyper-polite behavior would suggest that she was something less pure than newly-driven snow. So, instead of her usual flood of obscenities, she vigorously threw open the door on her side and dove across the passenger’s seat to open the passenger’s door for her new and embarrassingly candid acquaintance.
“Thank you, Eve, you move with the speed and agility of…”
“Adam, please do me a favor and just don’t say anything until we get to my house. This has been a very upsetting day for me so far and I simply want to stay quiet for a time and…”
“Allow for the peace that passes all understanding to comfort you.”
Eve angrily massaged the bridge of her nose and Adam understood that this was quiet time.
Evelyn took I-83 to 33rd street, past Hopkins, past Lake Montebello and the cyclists and joggers, who had the good sense to exercise some place reasonably safe, and on to her home near the lake. She had never made all of the lights before and this seemed to be yet another modest miracle that she was able to drive through a large and reasonably safe part of Baltimorassity without even one person noticing that she had a naked man in her car. She was so taken with her good luck that she did not notice the large, unhappy man ambling up the sidewalk nearing the front of her home. Eve was busy getting Adam free from the car when they heard,
“Hey, what the fuck’s wrong with you?” asked the large, unhappy Ambler.
“I’m sorry for this, sir, but we’ve had a situation and I’m just trying to help this man into my home.”
“It’s perverts like you two that are ruining the city.”
Eve bit her lip and simply assumed that the man was an idiot. Apparently, he hadn’t heard about corruption in the school system, corruption in the police department, the effort to defund the police, a mayor skimming money with children’s books, another mayor grifting gift certificates intended for needy citizens, officials who seemed to forget that paying taxes was a thing, and all of the other things that were likely to bring the city to its knees long before a guy with no pants would.
“Why the fuck ain’t you wearin’ no clothes, pervert?”
“Given my short time here, there seems to be a difference in the interpretation of the word ‘shame.’ It’s interesting how an interpretation of the same word can produce such a different result. Don’t you think so?”
“That’s it!! I ain’t takin’ no shit from a naked pervert dipshit like you!” bellowed the Ambler.
Eve had seen enough fights to know a good punch when she saw one. Except for the paunch, jowls, and feet of clay, this guy looked like a serious boxer. Eve was obviously concerned for Adam’s safety, but was in no position to help; however, it didn’t matter, as Adam easily dodged the blow.
This guy who coulda been a contender, had it not been for cheeseburgers and Schlitz beer, realized his elusive, naked prey was worthy of his best shot, so he moved in for the kill. He threw a weak left hand to set himself up for the surprise right cross. Adam easily avoided both punches and Eve moved in between them. For a brief moment, she considered what had happened in the last few thousand years to make a man as loathsome as the one currently standing in front of her.
“Look, sir. The only reason we’re outside right now is because you’re keeping us from getting off the street and into my house. Please just let us get inside.”
“Perverts. That’s what you people is: perverts. God’s got a special place for you. Ya know dat, right?”
“Telling anyone what God is going to do is a profound show of vanity and it is not wise to take the Lord’s name in vain,” said Adam, with all the calming care that one could imagine.
“Lemme at him! I’m gonna tear his nuts off and squish ‘em ‘til it looks like someone stepped on a slug.”
“You haven’t laid a hand on him and do you really want to be seen out here grabbing a naked man’s testicles?” Then to Adam, “Just get in my house.”
“The big white one here? Is that your house?”
“YES!!! That’s my freakin’ house, hurry up and get inside.”
Adam turned and ran up the short sidewalk to the six steps that led to the front door. With a single bound, he seemed to float up the steps and then managed to get the storm door open in fairly short order, but the main entry door was trickier.
In an attempt to keep police and the local HOA out of the picture, Eve sought to calm the Ambler. “Sir, I’m so sorry we’ve upset you, but as you can see, this man isn’t well adjusted and…”
“Is there a trick to getting inside? I can’t seem to get the door open,” Adam called.
“Holy fffff…just turn the shiny round thing and push the door open.”
“Okay, but…”
“Just get inside…no, wait.”
Too late; Adam had thrown his shoulder against the door and splintered the door frame as the locked door swung into Eve’s home.
“I’m in.”
“Just…find a place to sit down and don’t do anything until I get there.”
The Ambler now found it to be in his best financial interest not to act like a pig-headed bore.
“Wow, that guy’s pretty strong.”
“Yeah, now I have to replace a door on a home that was built in 1904.”
“Those frames are pretty strong in that house. He might’ve fucked up the door, but if the door’s okay, I could fix the frame for, I dunno, maybe 400 bucks. I’m a contractor, wanna card?”
“400 bucks to fix a frame!?”
“Well, I could replace the door for, I dunno, 500 for a new door, build out the frame. Looks like you could use a new sub sill; your old storm door might not fit the new frame, new security storm door another, I dunno, 500, plus installation of the storm door. Altogether, maybe 2,100, but you had a tough day and you’re real hot, so for you, I dunno, 1,800.”
“Gimme the card.”
“Here ya go, sweetie. Hey, look, if I got too outta line there, sorry. Ya gotta look out for the neighborhood, you know. All kinds a weirdos. Is that guy a weirdo? I don’t wanna get personal or nuthin’, just don’t wanna see ya get hurt.”
“Thanks for being so civic-minded.”
“Don’t mention it. I got free time tomorrow, but after that, I’m booked for two weeks solid. Better call soon; good contractors are hard to find. See ya. Good luck with Adam.”
“I never called him Adam. How’d you know?”
“I don’t know the guy. I’m just makin’ a joke. On the job site, the guys think I’m a riot. Wanna see my Rodney Dangerfield?”
Eve looked up to the sky and prayed a little prayer, “Dear God, please drop the curtain on this shit-show,” then she said, “Maybe some other time.”
“Gotcha, if he starts getting weird, ya got my number.”
“Right. Thanks. Bye.”
Eve slowly walked back to her house reliving every bizarre twist of the day and wished that this was only a nightmare.
She entered the home finding Adam doing exactly what he’d been told to do: nothing at all. The door frame was wrecked, but the door, as far as she could tell, was fine. She was considering which of the two evils was going to be more painful: paying $400 from her anemic savings account or inviting the anti-Gene Kelly over to fix her door frame. That she would probably have to do both was a bitter pill to swallow.
“Eve, I would think that people who can wade into a situation like that and find a way to make peace out of turbulence must some of God’s favorite people and…”
“Adam, I don’t want to say anything rude to you, but I’d like you to know that this has been an awful day so far and I think you may have a point about clothes. They are cumbersome and intrusive and irritating and I’m going to get a hot shower to calm down. I’d like you to stay here in the house; there is some food in the kitchen if you get hungry, I’ll show you how to use the bathroom before I leave. If anyone knocks on the door, please go hide in another room; we’ll practice that so there won’t be any more unhappy neighbors. If anyone waves to you from outside the house through a window, don’t wave back, just find a place to sit and don’t look out the window.”
“Thank you for the helpful advice, I shall do my best to not trouble you.”
After a quick tour around the house, a graphic demonstration of how the toilet was to be used, some practice running from knocking doors, and an introduction to some of the paintings she’d created, Eve felt as though she could probably get a shower without police intervention.
“Before you go, I couldn’t help notice that your paintings were of gardens, people with no clothes, and still life paintings of fruit.”
“Before today, I thought they were a show of versatility. Now it seems like something else. I really need that shower.”
“Before you go, I would like to know what those black boxes are. The ones on the table.”
“That’s my computer.”
“What does it do; what’s in the black boxes?”
“The world. Almost anything you can imagine can be found by using those boxes.”
“Even the Bible?”
“Yeah, sure. You turn it on like this; it takes a little while. Then you choose this icon to get on the Internet and that’s where you will find the Bible and just about everything you can imagine and probably quite a few you can’t.”
“How do I find the Bible?”
“This is called a search bar, just type the word “Bible” and, see there you are. It starts with Genesis, then Exodus, then Leviticus and a number of other ones. Ummm, there’s some pretty weird stuff on the Internet, so if the computer or your conscience tells you to turn away from whatever is on the screen, just hit this key and you should be fine. Okay?”
“Okay!”
“I’m going to start my shower. I think this is going to be a long one.”
“Okay!”
Adam started in on the Bible and got the hang of going from page to page right away. After a few minutes, Eve realized that walking through the house unclothed may not be a wise thing to do, so she made her way to downstairs to retrieve clothes that were comfortable without being revealing. She found Adam sitting in front of the computer staring blankly at the wall.
“So, ah, it looks like Genesis surprised you.”
“The whole book surprised me.”
“You read the entire Bible? I was gone for only a few minutes.”
“Eight minutes and twenty-six seconds; I finished the Bible in a little over seven.”
“Seven minutes!? C’mon. Okay, so tell me, what’s the last book in the Bible?”
“Revelations. ‘He that testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly, Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.’”
“I guess anyone who sucked down the entire Bible in seven minutes would be…”
“Disoriented?”
“We can go with that. Are you alright?”
“Yes, go on with your shower. I’m being told to find out more about your world. This looks like an excellent tool for such a daunting task.”
“You sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’m being watched over, protected.”
Adam didn’t sound quite right, but the sound of the running water and the promise of being clean was too enticing. Eve left her new house guest to plumb the depths of humanity.
The shower was everything she hoped it would be; she just hoped that her living room was as she left it. She made her way downstairs in a T-shirt, sweat pants, and no underwear. Life was good.
She found her living room as she left it. Adam was standing beside the desktop computer with tears in his eyes. She waited for him to break the ice.
“I understand evil. I understand God better. That He still loves us after all of the awful things we have done to each other is something I have no words for. Do you have any pants in the house?”
***
For all installments of “What if Adam Said No?,” click here.
Previous installments:
Warren is a proud father of three, husband to a wonderful, long suffering wife, former ballet dancer, and a perfectly adequate golfer. Although little acclaim has come his way as a writer, he believes that hope springs eternal. Warren is also something of a cave dweller when it comes to technology. The idea of creating websites, Twitter accounts, and the like give rise to a good bit of teeth grinding. People far less clever than he have apparently done this, but losing beer time and time at the gym are an uncomfortable pill to swallow. He has certainly consumed less palatable pills than this over the past 60 years. Perhaps time wasted pursuing self-promotion is in the offing.
