The Royal Fingers
I did not receive an invitation to the royal wedding of Prince George and Hannah MacReady. Instead, I received a non-disclosure agreement, from an…
Dead Billionaires
In the mid-2020’s, there was an unusually prolific spate of bizarre deaths involving billionaires. Initially, a wildfire of tinfoil-hat conspiracy…
Reclamation
“Sometimes I like to give them a little head start,” Hansen said, shifting the truck into neutral. “No more than ten seconds.” Heart pounding,…
Christmas Morning
Snowflakes twinkled in the morning light as Abby stared out the living room window. The house felt refreshingly peaceful with no one else awake. The…
Family Values
Susan stood over the kitchen sink, vigorously scrubbing the carrots. They were dirty little phallic things, she had always thought so. Her Catholic…
The Terror of Eversmile Lane
After a long day of spewing hate and fear onto the syndicated airwaves of American broadcast radio, Rush Limbaugh felt hungry. Usually his post-show…
Local Weirdo Saves Retard
Heroism ran in my family. For example, my older brother Alan, who drove a school bus for special needs kids, was driving on the highway one December…
Therapy for Millennials
Dr. Haag stared out the filthy window of his office and remembered that he had no Windex. Meant to buy some on the way in this morning. He didn’t…
Charlie
Charlie’s career hit the skids. One day, he was 28 years old, playing the teenaged older brother to a Miley Cyrus-type on a hit Disney Channel tween…
Ticklebear
Am I a pervert? Dennis wondered, sitting at his desk. After years of thinking about looking at pornography at work, Dennis started looking at…
