Family Values

Susan stood over the kitchen sink, vigorously scrubbing the carrots. They were dirty little phallic things, she had always thought so. Her Catholic…


The Terror of Eversmile Lane

After a long day of spewing hate and fear onto the syndicated airwaves of American broadcast radio, Rush Limbaugh felt hungry. Usually his post-show…


Local Weirdo Saves Retard

Heroism ran in my family. For example, my older brother Alan, who drove a school bus for special needs kids, was driving on the highway one December…


Therapy for Millennials

Dr. Haag stared out the filthy window of his office and remembered that he had no Windex. Meant to buy some on the way in this morning. He didn’t…


Charlie

Charlie’s career hit the skids. One day, he was 28 years old, playing the teenaged older brother to a Miley Cyrus-type on a hit Disney Channel tween…


Ticklebear

Am I a pervert? Dennis wondered, sitting at his desk. After years of thinking about looking at pornography at work, Dennis started looking at…


The Bunnies Are Killing Themselves!

The Swanson family was returning home from IKEA, their Cadillac Escalade crammed with furniture, when a squirrel ran into the road. It thumped…