XVIII.
As Hillary wakes up after this ordeal, she’s no longer the grumpy old witch she was before. She’s rather happy, with a completely different outlook on the world. For my entire life, I’ve been nothing but a pain to society and myself, with nothing to show for it. I will not waste one more second of the time I’ve got left here on this earth fighting windmills like the dumb feminist I was before! I’m so grateful I’ve been given this second chance, in spite of the spirit showing me what I caused (or will cause) in the future. This second chance I will truly cherish! Time to get to work!
Hillary can’t wait to rush out of the house. Outside, she notices things she hadn’t noticed at all with her feminist blinders on. Men helping women reach objects they can’t reach, lifting things they can’t lift, giving them compliments, psychological assurance, and being all-around swell people. She’s so happy, observing it all, unable to understand how she could have spent over half a century completely oblivious to everything good men do. Hillary decides she’s got to call an organization she’s had plenty of collaboration with in the past: NOW, the National Organization for Women. All it takes is a phone call and its leadership agrees to meet with her at the HQ downtown.
With the top feminist clique gathered, she starts holding a speech. “Fellow women, these last few days, I’ve really learned something!”
A feeling of awe envelops the crowd, with them expecting her to top even the radical feminism she’s always been known for. “I’ve come to realize that men aren’t our enemy! Rather, we’ve become a menace to society and we don’t contribute anything to anyone’s well-being except for our own. We’re ideologues confined to ivory towers, completely ignorant of the larger society outside of our little clique. Out there, we’ve got the finest men imaginable! The things they do for us! It’s time for us to understand that they are our partners and natural leaders. We shouldn’t expect them to bow to us: we should bow to them! I’m afraid the female gender has to be reined in before it destroys everything around it!”
In angry, kneejerk reflexes, they all throw eggs and other edibles at her, yet she’s still happy, knowing she’s gotten this important message out. Understanding that further preaching here won’t do much good, she heads to her son Fred’s house. This being a weekend, she finds his family all at home.
“Oh, my dear Fred!” she exclaims when she sees him.
“Mother,” he answers.
“I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you!”
“I’ve always thought of you as a good mother. About the only problem I’ve had is you not wanting to come see us that much.”
“That changes now! You see, I’m a changed woman! The strangest thing happened to me these past few days that made me re-evaluate everything I had taken for granted!”
Turning to the whole family, she goes on. “The nuclear family is the most precious thing we have! Never let the wonderful thing you’ve got together go to waste!”
After saying that, she rushes on. I can’t wait to visit my housekeeper’s home and see if I can get them all back together as well. After she rings the doorbell there, Jane opens the door, though she’s not really happy to see Hillary. “Looking to get more of our children removed, are you?”
“I’m terribly, terribly sorry about that. I didn’t know what I was doing, advocating for the state feminism I did before.”
“Glad to hear that, but we’ve got ourselves a child in foster care here, one we miss terribly much.”
“I think I just might be able to sort that out. Let me make a call…”
Hillary gets out her phone and calls the local CPS. Earlier, she’s had them on quick dial in case she ever found herself in a real rush to get someone’s child removed. Now she intends to do the opposite. After a brief moment, she hears a voice on the other side. “Case worker Lisa here, how may I help you?”
“I’m Aunt Hillary, and I’ve got something you need to sort out for me.”
“I’ll get right on it!” Lisa says, expecting even better job security from yet another child they can put in care.
“I’m with Tarzan and Jane here, and they’ve got a child called Tiny Tim, who your department recently had removed. He should be back with them ASAP!”
“But…but…is it really good that he’s with them? I mean, they didn’t feed the boy!”
“They did indeed feed the boy! He was just short! You will have him here within an hour, or I’ll be really upset!”
“Will do, Aunt,” Lisa says and hangs up.
“Wow…is this the same Hillary?” Jane asks.
“I’m a changed woman now. I’ve realized the error of my ways, and will spend the rest of my life making up for the pain and destruction I’ve caused.”
Some 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings, and a police officer is standing there with Tiny Tim.
Everyone’s happy as can be from the family being united again, and Hillary for the first time in her life actually feels joy from someone else’s good fortune.
Epilogue
Aunt Hillary held true to her vow. From this point on, she became a relentless campaigner for family rights, traditional marriage, and respect for men. Not only did her behaviour in public change, but also her one in private. She became as good a mother, as good a wife, as good a cook as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough in the good old world. And a new era dawned when feminism was finally smashed. And Tiny Tim summarised the spirit of this new era, stating, “God bless the nuclear family, and all of us!”
***
For all installments of “A Feminism’s Carol,” click here.
Previous installments:
- Part 1: Bill’s Ghost
- Part 2: The Spirit of Feminism’s Past
- Part 3: The Spirit of Feminism’s Present
- Part 4: The Spirit of Feminism Yet to Come
Daniel Hammarberg is an aspiring literary heavyweight, an IT everything-under-the-sun, a persecuted thought criminal, a former strongman competitor, and an all around swell guy. His main English-language site is DanielHammarberg.com and he lives on a formerly white island in Sweden that sadly gets ethnically darker with each passing day.
