Call me Faisal I am humble immigrant I come to live American dream like it say on foot of green statue lady. I have been in America two weeks, and now I have list of demands that will improve country:

First, we need to have talk about soap. This is big problem. Everywhere I go I see soap, in every store I see sand hanitizers [sic] and white women (another problem too!) pumping goo on their hand. DEVIL TRICKS! What is wrong with dirt, my friend, I ask you? In my country if we can’t catch fish and weather is bad, we sometimes mix dirts and waters and make cookies. This gives us strength of spirit strong like bull.

Also in America it’s very funny you put string in your teeth Faisal try putting string in teeth and teeth start bleeding my friend explain to me how this is good for health?

Also America has too many rules. They demand so much paperworks just to enter. I have good lucks my cousin Fareed is already here I send him my picture he files paperworks for me, he say I have visa now. They say six months I can stay but I have many cousins they stay longer, just make the cards with their picture no problem my friend.

I drive an Uber now they say you need insurance all these forms. More tricks. If my car hit your car, and the great magnet in sky says my car still works, it is a blessing to me why should I not drive off? If your car cannot work, don’t blame me blame magnet in sky. I’m hard-working immigrant I don’t have money for these tricks. Social Security? Do you think I will live to 65 my friend? Listen I do a job for you give me cash. My friend Rico when I drive south Rico has package for me to deliver, he give me cash, I no ask questions. Medicare, Social Security all lies, my cousin Umair says we need Universal Basic Income, UBI my friend that sounds a better deal. I sit in tanker boat for two weeks to get here with only dirt cookies my friend once I step in America I need this UBI. I have two wives and seven kids in Thule I need to support!

America has problem with toxic mask utility. This guy Judge Kaepernick, he grab the lady, if he disrespect my daughter like that, me and my cousins Umair and Fareed we feed the carrot to the donkey. CRUNCH! Snap like pencil. That will show this judge Kaepernick with his toxic mask utility. In Thule we protect women from mask utility with basic rules like no meeting alone with men in office. Also of course women not allowed to drive. In Thule we place women on pedestal.

No one respects women more than me. I tell my three wives they are free to share the bicycle when I am working and on Sundays I let them have sugar with their tea. Speaking of which my friend do you mind to add tip to your receipt the price of tea has gone up in Thule, and I want to bring my cousins to America like it says on green lady statue. My friend? My friend!?


This is an excerpt from Faisal Marzipan’s new book, The White Swan. You can purchase the book from Terror House Press here.