Owen Benjamin was brooding inside his shed. He had just been thoroughly defeated in a debate by Nick Fuentes, despite having an IQ of 160. Worse yet, he had just learned that Kyoto Animation had just announced a new catboy-themed anime to commemorate Nick’s victory. He had just about resigned himself to death by alcohol poisoning when his secret phone line, whose number he had only given to Adam Sandler, began to ring.

“Mr. Sandler? Have you finally greenlit my Netflix special?” Owen spoke into the phone, his voice carrying a hopeful tone for the first time in years.

“Close, but not quite. This is Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.”

“Are you a Jew?” Owen asked as he was about to hang up on the suspected Semite.

“That doesn’t matter. What’s important is that we have mutual interests. I need to destroy KyoAni to stop them from creating cute waifus in order for my people to finally procreate. I think that stopping the upcoming catboy anime would be the perfect way for you to get your vengeance on Nick Fuentes. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Owen seethed with anger at the mere mention of Nick. His rage was enough to overcome the disgust he felt at the prospect of allying himself with an Asian Jew.

“I’ll do it,” Owen declared.

“Excellent. When they see a mustachioed whitu piggu burning down KyoAni, no one will ever suspect that my administration was involved. To aid you, I’ve sent our latest mech suit to your compound.” Abe laughed as he hung up.

Owen heard a massive crash outside his shed. Abe airdropped the awesome robot armor he had just mentioned, and it was armed to the teeth with the latest in superior Nippon weaponry. Normally, it would have taken years for a pilot to learn how to use it, but with his IQ of 1,600, Owen was able to master it in minutes. He let out a massive, fake laugh that reeked of cheap vodka as he lifted off towards Japan.

Bianca Devins was an e-girl who had just been murdered by some beta emo kid. It was quite painful to feel the knife plunge into her neck, but at least it was better than sitting in his car listening to Lil Peep. As is the fate of all e-girls, she went straight to the tenth circle of Hell, a circle reserved specifically for e-girls.

The tenth circle of Hell had a new administrator: Jeff Goldblum. He had finally endured enough sodomy to gain substantial Satanic authority, but being the eternal tormentor of e-girls was not the most prestigious position in Hell. Often he wondered who was tormenting who, as he had to deal with the unending thottery of e-girls day after day. Still, it sure beat doing cameos in Jurassic Park sequels.

Jeff lounged on his demonic throne, his black robe undone as to show off his sweet abs. Suddenly, he felt a tremendous disturbance in the cosmic balance. KyoAni, the anime studio that pledged their eternal service to him in exchange for always finding a way, was in danger. Jeff couldn’t leave Hell to aid them, for Belle Delphine was scheduled to arrive any moment now. He needed a proxy, a vessel for his hellish powers that could defend KyoAni from the forces of z-list comedians. It was then that Bianca appeared before him.

“Outstanding!” Jeff mused as he observed the headless e-girl. “An e-girl AND a Dullahan? You will be the perfect vessel for my wicked energies.” Jeff couldn’t believe his good fortune.

“What the hell is a dollar ham?” Bianca would have said if she had a mouth.

“I’m granting you a bit of my powers. I need you to go and defend KyoAni from that fruity little bear Owen Benjamin. Do this, and you will be returned to life,” Jeff offered in a smooth tone, as only he could.

Bianca, being a fake weeaboo girl, only vaguely knew what KyoAni was. Regardless, since there appeared to be neither fentanyl nor beta orbiters in Hell, she knew she didn’t have a choice but to accept Jeff’s offer.

Owen touched down in Kyoto sooner than expected. He was glad he didn’t have to deal with Japanese airports, for he heard that travelers were frequently accosted by sexbots while passing through. Without delay, he began incinerating the offices of KyoAni with gouts of flame. The employees inside made little effort to escape because they saw the fiery inferno as a welcome release from 200 consecutive hours of drawing catboys. Some even hallucinated that Owen was a giant dragon maid coming to free them from their nightmarish existence.

“This is for Endless Eight!” Owen shouted in order to confuse witnesses and conceal Abe’s involvement. A crowd of otaku gathered and looked on in horror as the realized they would now never get a second season of Nichijou.

Suddenly, Owen was blasted backwards by a flying pentagram crackling with energy. Bianca had arrived to fulfill her mission, summoning an army of demons to aid her. She had conquered a thousand orbiters in life, and she felt that Owen was no more powerful than they had been.

Owen’s mech suit sustained heavy damage, but it quickly began to repair itself. “Do not worry, foolish gaijin,” Abe’s voice crackled through the radio. “The suit is equipped with the latest in nanotechnology. No power can damage it faster than it can mend itself.”

Bianca was not worried. She could see Owen inside of the cockpit and observed his glassy eyes and red nose. If she had any hope of victory, she would need to target his liver! She focused all her energy into two successive blasts: one to break through the suit, and the other to hit Owen’s liver before the nanobots could repair it. The result was a direct hit, and it appeared as though Owen had been vanquished, when suddenly he sprung back to life.

“Targeting my liver? I knew you would try that. But the joke is on you! You only gave me a flesh wound! My organs are actually on the opposite side of my body where they should be! Just like in Metal Gear Solid 2!” Owen declared with a look of pure smugness.

Bianca would have had a dumbfounded expression if she had a face. Despite claiming to be a gamer girl, she had never played that game, and was thus caught completely off-guard. In her stupor, Owen retaliated with a gigantic laser blast that totally obliterated her.

“Hah! That bitch was nothing compared to Amy Schumer. She was no match for my 16,000 IQ!” Owen gave yet another fake laugh in triumph when he heard a familiar voice.

“Yare yare. This is why you never send an e-girl to do a campus conservative’s job. Never e-girls! Never!” The person who appeared was none other than Nick Fuentes!

Owen couldn’t believe his luck. His nemesis had appeared before him, when he was at the height of his power. “Nick! You fool! You thought you had outsmarted me, but now I’m going to kill you, and then I’m going to suck on your mommy’s milkies! Now DIE!”

Owen threw a punch at Nick faster than the human eye could perceive, yet Nick somehow parried the blow and knocked Owen off his feet.

“N-NANI? But how?” Owen screamed in confusion.

Upon closer inspection, Owen could see that Nick’s red MAGA hat had somehow merged with his hair. Stranger still was an ethereal figure floating behind Nick. It was a humanoid, but had a glossy and robotic appearance. Clad in a Hawaiian shirt and cat ears, the being posed fabulously with Nick, revealing the McDonald’s logos spread across its body.

By then, police and emergency services had arrived on the scene. Owen struggled to get himself upright and began to panic. He begged the police to aid him and arrest Nick, but although they could fortunately speak perfect English, they did nothing to assist him.

“What’s going on? Why won’t they stop Nick?” Owen’s voice began to give a feminine crack.

“You still don’t get it, do you Owen? This is the power of my stand,「Graduation」! The power to legalize murder!” Nick commanded his stand to fly forward at Owen, fists clenched, as it unleashed a flurry of punches while delivering its signature battle cry:


No amount of Asian technology could protect Owen from Nick’s furious assault. In fear for his life, Owen suddenly noticed a button inside the cockpit labeled “escape” and quickly pressed it. In an instant, the suit engaged all its thrusters and propelled itself towards the stratosphere. Owen thought himself to be out of danger, for he could easily regroup on the moon and challenge Nick another day. But to his horror, he saw no such moon orbiting the Earth as he entered he vacuum of space. He had been wrong all along: it wasn’t the moon landing that was fake, it was the moon itself! He tried to turn the thrusters back to Earth only to discover they were out of fuel.

“No! This can’t be happening! I have 160,000 IQ!” Owen proclaimed as he drifted off into the void of nothingness. Eventually, he stopped thinking.

Nick could witness Owen’s humiliating defeat from the Earth’s surface thanks to his superior castizo eyesight. He began to walk away only to turn around and point to the sky. With one final boast, he said: “America first, bitch.”

Abe returned to his office in a fury. He had destroyed KyoAni, and yet catboys and waifus were more popular than ever in Japan thanks to the mysterious Latino hero. To his surprise, an unknown figure was sitting in his chair, facing away from him.

“Nick Fuentes ruined your plans too, huh? Tough break.” It was a voice that Abe had never heard before.

“Who are you? What do you want?” the Prime Minister asked.

“I’m putting together a team.” The man turned his chair towards Abe to reveal himself as Jared Holt.

To be continued…?