Dear Contributor,

Thanks so much for allowing us the privilege of looking into your work which will undoubtedly go into history as one of the most important documents on the subject. While we enjoyed the read immensely, after careful consideration, we came to the conclusion that your work is not a right fit for our magazine.


Editors, Le Monde Diplomatique

Al right, c’est la vie!  But how come my French friends don’t have the balls to put down their unpronounceable names? What is there to enjoy in the story about Eskimos gang-raping poor penguins? It is pure horror which scares the shit out of a conscious reader’s ass and makes him reflect on the concept of colonizer sin in the western Christian-dominated culture! French jerks enjoyed it immensely, probably as much as foie gras together with some indescribable horse piss from Bordeaux.

…and thanks for submitting your story “ESKIMOS VS. PENGUINS”; unfortunately, we decided not to use it for our next issue.


Editor: Elaine, Toronto Heart Literary and Arts Magazine

I want to know: did this chick read more than the title!? She probably thought it was a match report from the NHL playoffs. I should smash her ignorant head with the Stanley Cup to wake her up from that deep intellectual coma of hers! When I’m famous like Stephen King, she will beg me on her knees to publish used toilet paper from my bathroom.

…your story is not quite what I was looking for this time.


Chief Editor: Ben, Cozy Home Literary

Oh no! Ben, what a surprise!? What were you looking for! The guy must be a bald, overweight fatass running a literary magazine as a cover for molesting housewives in his neighborhood, introducing himself as an intellectual giant in order to sneak into their households. Ben, you didn’t notice the irony of penguins and Eskimos fucking each other while global warming will soon finish off all of them. It was a mountain too fucking high to climb, wasn’t it?

…graphic descriptions of sex acts are not for us.

All the best,

Editor: Helen, The Financial Times

Helen…Helen…I expected more from you! Goddamn, she didn’t even get it that Eskimos live in Greenland and Alaska, while penguins live in the South Pole. It is not a story about sex at all, it’s a goddamn metaphor for the two worlds clashing with each other, the rich north exploiting the poor south. It is about class struggle, ruling classes bulldozing unprivileged workers, how could I put it that even a cunt like Helen would understand it!?

…appreciated the fact that all Eskimos are wearing TourPro Golf Sunglasses; unfortunately, we still believe the story is not down to earth enough.

Senior Editor: Woods, Golf Universe

Son of a bitch!! I got it: Eskimos shall bury the penguins’ heads into golf holes and stick golf clubs up the penguins’ asses, then this would be down to earth enough for your fucking elitist publication!

…but we kindly ask you to wait at least 30 days before submitting again.

Editor: Comrade Boris, Stolichnaya Pravda

Will you hypocrites sober up in 30 days or what? Shall the penguin authorities vehemently deny that they are poisoning exiled dissident penguins in Greenland, then it would be an excellent piece for your KGB-run fucking publication!

…not in the line with our views. Best of luck placing it elsewhere.

Editors, LGBT Galaxy Monthly

Jesus Christ hanging naked on the cross!! What kind of fucking views can you guys have from those black holes you are digging into!? I didn’t say Eskimos weren’t faggots, did I? My virgin ass! And if penguins could pretend to be bare-assed twinks waving pink handkerchiefs, then they would be perfectly all right for your fascist magazine.

…not the type of work we publish. You are, however, welcome to order back issues of our magazine at a 2.5 percent discount.

Editors: Cohen and Cohen, Jerusalem Literary Review

Sure, Bastard and Bastard! And if Eskimos would be raping penguins on the West Bank to draw attention away from your commandos busting Palestinian homes, then it would be the perfect fucking type of writing you publish! Eskimos and penguins have a harsh life on the extreme north and south, but at least no messiah marched them into the Holy Land. They wouldn’t last two weeks among those religious fanatics! And the goddamn Jewish discount trick; busted writer still represents target market into which all marketing tricks must be directed to milk a couple—possibly the last—bucks out of him!

…we wish you the best of luck placing it elsewhere.

Editor: Karla, Gaucho Literary, Buenos Aires

You wish me a slow painful death, don’t you, Karla? Fucking cunt! German frigid cow probably escaped Nurnberg trials before hiding in Argentinian pampas. I was lucky she didn’t send the Gestapo after me; they would pack me into a gas chamber after finishing medical experiments on my arrogant ass. If I titled the story “Eskimos Kampf” she would publish it on the front page without reading a word.

…doesn’t match our values.

God bless you,

Saint Editor: Joseph, Bible Monitor, Melbourne

Oh!? Tell me about your values, Joe Dickhead!! Picture this: Eskimos build an igloo church in Australia, fuck underage kangaroos, and then rush to confession boxes asking for post-coital forgiveness! Such a story would match the fucking values of your magazine! And look at this…oh no…what did Joseph put down at the end of the page!

P.S. If you wish to send us donations, please do so by transferring money to…

Nice try, Joseph! And what do you need my fucking money for!? Do you plan to buy a chopper to chase down all Marys in the neighborhood so the Holy Ghost won’t cheat you again, inseminating them ahead of you?

Instead of an Epilogue

From Boxing Illustrated Magazine:

Answers to readers’ questions…a single punch below the belt, though very painful, cannot cause too much damage to a trained fighter with developed defense mechanisms, his fertility ability will very likely remain intact; however as the match progresse, if repeated illegal blows and kicks are delivered into the balls, they will gradually wear the writer down.