Crazy Shorts
Tuesday a week ago; that was the day when Myer’s shorts went insane. He immediately reported it to the police.
“I had just taken them out of the drawer,” he said at police headquarters, “when I noticed that they behaved extremely irrational, like they belonged in a loony-bin.”
“That’s odd,” Officer Cooper said.
“I’d say.”
“Well,” Officer Cooper continued, “what I mean is that I’ve never seen underwear doing it. Socks, maybe. Socks are very odd, you know. They get lost all over the place, eventually losing their minds completely.”
“Are you doubting me, Officer? I’m telling the truth. I’ve got crazy shorts. What are you going to do about it?”
“Well, first of all, I’d suggest you calm down a little, Sir.”
“I am calm!” Myer shouted. “But what are you planning on doing about these crazy shorts. They could be dangerous. They should be dealt with.”
“Are you trying to tell me my job?” Officer Cooper replied angrily. “And, no, I disagree, you’re not calm at all.”
“I am! I am!” Myers yelled, beginning to froth at the mouth, as he started to destroy the office furniture, repeating over and over, “My shorts are crazy! My shorts are crazy!”
It eventually took six strong police officers to subdue and restrain Myers and put him into a cell.
“I’ve seen it before,” another policeman, Officer Johnson, said. “First the shorts go nuts, then the mind follows soon after.”
Lack of Directions
One day, the man without directions became completely disoriented and lost, as he bumped into things. It first began in the kitchen. Regrettably, there was no one there he could ask.
“Do I belong here?” he wondered. “Which way to the bathroom?”
He knew he had to wait until his wife, Wendy, came home. Unfortunately, she was also very bad with directions and lost her way home. However, lucky for her, she found someone whom she could ask. It turned out to be Alfred, a sly guy, who directed her to his own house.
As one thing led to the next, going into different directions, Wendy eventually got divorced and married Alfred, with whom she had two children. They were also very good with direction, as they made their way up to a successful career in the Ways and Means Committee.
The man without directions was still lost until his neighbor, Wanda, showed up and led him around by the nose.
Wolfgang Niesielski was a humor columnist with the Contra Costa Times for many years. He has illustrated books and produced cartoons for the San Jose Mercury News, Philosophy Now, and other publications. He is the author of five books: Bruno Fenster Saves the World: And Still Has Time for Breakfast, Touched by Choi, A Parallel Universe, The Alien in My E-Mail and Other Stories, and Corona Chronicles. He is a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with his wife, Ebele.
