Massively deformed, fetal alcohol syndrome, morbidly obese. These vile orcs are blessedly rare.

Run to the hills, run for your life.


Morbidly obese, bad skin, chronic smoker, meth addict, terrible hair. Disgusting across the board along with a personality to match.

Avoid at all costs.


Obese, post-wall, bitchy. Slightly better than a 2, but that’s the difference between a stab wound and a gunshot wound. The 3 has given up on life and will actively wear clothing featuring Looney Tunes or Disney characters. Disgusting.

Keep a five-meter distance at all times, lest ye risk the hideousness infecting your aura.


Standard-issue ugly. Fat/obese, the 4 is usually a 5/6 who let herself go. Female orbiter who will gladly do your homework and actively cockblocks her better-looking friends. Will actively approach you and buy drinks in an attempt for pity dick.

Just say no unless you are REALLY drunk and need to nut.


Not ugly, not hot, the 5/10 is the definition of “middle of the road.” Possibly a bit chubby or a nice body, but a face only her mother can love. Doesn’t know how to dress.

Often good in bed and eager to please. Rides cock like a cowgirl at a state fair rodeo. Sucks dick and swallows. Cooks/cleans your house. Will buy you food or split the check.

You’d take her home for a night, but would be a bit embarrassed to be seen out on the town with her.

Smash ‘n pass.


Cute, but doesn’t stand out in any noticeable way. You can walk down the street holding her hand, but you’ll always have that nagging feeling: “I can do better.”

Good in bed, puts in effort to keep you around. Wants you to buy food, but accepts splitting the check. Might clean your house on occasion. Complains that you don’t take her out enough.

Date if she’s your type. Best LTR potential.


Good body, good face. Men take notice, women get jealous, and so do your friends. Better than cute, but not quite beautiful.

Usually lazy in bed, might get rowdy if she’s drunk. Doesn’t really care if you leave or not, as she’s got a line of orbiters several kilometers long.

Mid-level, consistent shit testing, and competition from other men, so bring some game. You have a nagging feeling that she’s got her own rotation. Keep an eye out for cheating and be prepared to burn a hole in your wallet.

Great dating material, but keep on your toes.


You must be six feet plus to ride this ride. Turns every man’s head when she walks in the room. Great body, beautiful face, takes care of herself, and dresses well. Often a cunt. Shit tests are a daily occurrence. New dick is getting thrown at her every minute of every day.

Usually shit in bed. Even if you’re fucking her, you’re probably still an orbiter. Will fuck a better dude at the drop of a hat.

Hasn’t had a job in years unless “Instagram model” counts as work. Sponsors/schmucks/daddy will pay for her entire existence. Preemptively take out a loan because of the high maintenance factor.

Bring your A game every minute of every day because it’s a constant personality war with an 8.

Too much of a headache for long term, but a fun ride while it lasts.


For the one percent. Out of your league. Supermodel and unattainable unless your name is Dr. Bigdick, Millionaire.

Parties with sports stars, DJs, high-end drug dealers, and old money rich kids. Fucks politicians on the down-low for a six-figure payout.

Will never work a day in her life until she hits the wall or dies of an overdose from her $1,000-per-day coke habit. Complete bitch with no personality besides “mean.” You need a combination of money/status/fame/looks to even gain an audience with a 9.

Unless God smiles upon you and the celestial heavens align, you will likely never bang a 9. Relationship is out of the question unless your name is Trump.


Magical unicorn. A 9 with grace and charisma. Doesn’t exist.

If you’re assigning absolute perfection, reevaluate your standards.