We didn’t know what to expect when we stepped into the monster’s lair, but it certainly wasn’t this. Me and my buddy Captain Ahab (that was his frat name, anyway) were stuck here, at present.

At any rate, this monster had its tail wrapped around a stalagmite, and some lost explorer’s boombox was blaring out the tune “Push It.” Captain Ahab and I watched, dumbfounded, as the monster began to gyrate. We couldn’t move at all, only our heads: you see, this creature had spat out a sticky substance that bound us to the cave wall. It hardened in a matter of seconds into bindings tough as steel.

We didn’t fear being eaten; at least I didn’t. What was more frightening was seeing the glee—if it could be called that—that appeared on the creature’s face. It had a captive audience.

“Show us your moves,” said Ahab, goading the strange creature on. God, I could have socked him in the face.

“Ix-nay on the couragement-enay,” I replied in pig Latin, hoping the creature wouldn’t understand slang. I’d been brought down here as part of a hazing ritual, but I didn’t think this was what the guys had in mind. Target and Crash took off before the monster could pin them with its spit.

The creature looked like an oversized Gremlin, just like in the movies, but with a few differences: a long, prehensile tail being one of them, along with smaller ears, black ram horns, and surprisingly human-looking, um, “assets.” It wore a long trench coat and sashayed back and forth, its tail lifting the back of the coat ever so slightly, revealing a glittery gold g-string. Saliva dripped from the creature’s mouth, and I saw multiple sets of teeth, like a shark.

“As far as hazings go, this is pretty fucked up, man,” I said to Ahab.

“This wasn’t part of the original plan,” he admitted. I’m sure he would have shrugged his shoulders if he could have. “But, whatever.”

Then the music changed, and the song “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred came on. The creature’s eyes radiated firelight as it slowly ripped the buttons off of its trench coat, waved the coat around, and threw it with tremendous force against the cave wall. Dust and debris fell from the ceiling upon impact.

Beneath the trench coat, the monster wore a white crop-top and a plaid miniskirt. It raked a long claw up its thigh in what it must have thought was a seductive manner, lashing its snakelike tongue.

“She wants you so bad,” said Ahab.

“Yeah, so does your mom,” I replied. That shut him up.

The monster spun, lifting its miniskirt ever so slightly. I began to feel aroused. Red alert! My brain screamed. This is not a human being!

“How are you holding up?” I asked Ahab. The monster seemed to sense Ahab’s fear, revulsion, and—if I read his expression correctly—amused arousal. The monster began to grind against Ahab, pushing itself up against him and moaning loudly before returning to the stalagmite.

“Oh baby,” I said. Ahab shot me a glance full of daggers.

Then the monster sliced open the crop-top, revealing a glittery bikini top beneath, and sliced off the miniskirt, revealing the g-string. After it danced around a bit, the creature walked over to Ahab and slid its claw along the dried spittle encasing us, freeing us from our bonds. It held out its monstrous palm and waited.

“What do you suppose it wants?”

“Payment,” I replied. I dug around in my jeans pocket, coming up with a twenty, which I handed over. Then the monster held out its other palm, to Ahab.

“It wants more,” said Ahab, aghast. He dug in his jeans pocket and came up with a nickel and two quarters. Then, from somewhere, the creature’s third arm emerged.

“I don’t have any more money,” Ahab replied. The creature clutched his hand, leading him down a dark corridor.