Dear Diary,

Today I learned that it’s hard to please people.

I try to tell people to do good but people aren’t happy with me. All I’ve ever said is that tablet boy didn’t have all the answers. He came down from a mountain with some rocks telling you to call your parents and stop raping people and that’s fair enough. That’s fair enough, man.

But I don’t get why you have to find rocks up a mountain and then walk them down and insist they’re sacred or whatever and so I said to my mate Dave and his friends, I said “A new commandment I give unto you, to love one another as I have loved you.” They liked that because I rhymed, I think.

Dave follows me around with John and a bunch of other people. I dunno why, I thought that poem was good and all, but I never asked for anyone to follow me about and now the temple guards are murmuring and it’s pretty awkward and stuff.

We pulled a few pranks, me and Dave, and we’ll probably come clean about it at some point. Ol’ Tommy was drinking some water and I switched out his cup under the table. He took a sip and spat it out and I was like, “Awwwwwh, pranked bro.”

He was like ‘Did you just change the material properties of my water?” and then before I could say “No, I switched your cup,” then Dave comes up and yells, “Yeah, he changed it!”

And the guards overhear. Which is great, because I need all of Rome to know that I’m a magician. A lot of them worship multiple gods and they don’t like magic, so I really want Dave to stop that.

And what does he do?

Dresses up as me. Robe, wig, tries to impersonate my voice which is a bit deep because I smoked a lot when I was young. Gets literally wasted, ties planks from a broken boat to his feet and yells “Hey guys, look at this!” before walking across the Galilee Sea (hehe, that rhymes) and it looks like he’s walking on water. It’s foggy so nobody can see his feet and everyone’s like, “Ah, he’s at it again.”

Which I don’t need. Dave also brought a bunch of people to see me and I was like “Dave, why are you like this,” and he genuinely didn’t care. I did my best to explain them that it was important to be kind and share and be nice to each other. Like, not hitting people is great and not killing people is probably good, but if you could try and upgrade that to look after each other without obligation, that would be great, only I was rudely interrupted because a girl was being stoned to death in the square because she had slept with another man. I knew the girl was going to be stoned today but I was kind of annoyed with Dave and the whole stoning thing because her husband Roy had slept with four other women and yet this woman had only slept with another man so it seemed unfair that she was getting stoned and yet Roy was fine.

So I went up and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and everyone stopped, clapped, and then the woman wasn’t stoned. Only the guards are annoyed even more. And then someone went “Oh, I’m hungry,” and I said, “Well, here’s a loaf of bread and some fish.”

And they said “This isn’t gonna feed us,” so I just pointed at a shed full of bread and fish and said, “Okay, you can eat all that then, I guess.”

I was joking. That obviously belonged to someone else.

But they raided the shed! Some guy was even joking as he came out like, “Ahhh, look he turned a few fish and a load of bread into a banquet for thousands.” Yeah, laugh it up.

I’m genuinely worried. Might have been a shop or something, I don’t know. It didn’t have a sign saying “Shop” or anything, so in a way, it was free game. Probably. Maybe.

I dunno. I’m going to bed now, and I just hope things will be better tomorrow. I can see Dave looking over from the bed by the wall. I told him I write stuff in this book and then send it to the person up in the mountains where tablet boy came down and that’s where the person up in the mountains gets his ideas.

But honestly? I have no idea.

Signing off for now, Jesus H. Christ.