Yes, I mean the snot that comes from your nose. Again, hear me out. It’s cleaner than shit and piss, of course. But more than that, you vanilla folks should consider this: any kind of head or anal play puts your mouth at the exit point of shit or piss. No matter how clean the area at the moment, fundamentally, you’re on the exit ramp. Everyone has sucked snot down their throat at some point. Children eat their boogers, and some adults too. Only the insane pick their asshole and then suck on the finger. Snot can certainly carry viruses, but in and of itself, it’s not unhealthy to consume the way shit and piss are. See? Already playing with snot is less disgusting than you thought.

Snot also has a very utilitarian role to serve: it is great lube. That was how I first discovered the erotic properties of the substance. I have had terrible allergies my entire life, so I’ve always had to deal with snot during sex. It had always embarrassed me, trying to choke the stuff down as silently as possible while making out with or going down on a girl, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Then one fine day, I must have been 19 or so, I wanted to fuck my girlfriend in the ass, but we were fresh out of lube, broke, and in the back of an SUV. She wanted it badly, but was no rookie and knew better than to try anything dry.

Suddenly, it occurred to me in a flash of brilliance. I had her get on all fours with her ass stuck up in the air and started rimming her. Whenever I felt that there was enough snot built up in my nose, I’d take a break from eating, blow my nose into my hand, and then start tongue-plunging her again while rubbing my cock with the snot. I did this three times, then pulled back and blew as much snot as I could straight onto her slightly gaping asshole. She was a smart chick and must have figured out both what I was doing and where it was going, because she said nothing. After spreading my snot evenly across her cute little gape, I grabbed my glistening cock and started easing it in.

It worked. And if you’re looking for a way to up the ante on ass-to-mouth, adding snot to the mix is the ticket.

After that night, snot slipped through our sexual Overton window permanently, and not just as lube.

What I’d most recommend for beginners is to blow snot all over a girl’s tits while you’re fucking her missionary style. It’s demeaning, but it’s also quite safe. No one is getting smacked, cuffed, or tied up, and nothing that’s normally toilet-oriented gets into the mix. In light of all that, where’s the objection, really? The power dynamics are not even the best part, though: it’s the sheen. Right after the snot hits, use your hands to spread it and rub it in like it was massage oil. The aesthetic results are superb. The way they glisten is something you have got to see. Those tits will look like they came right out of a magazine. The noise they make when they’re smacked is damn fine as well.

The weirdest shit I ever did with snot probably jumped the shark. But as a matter of record, here goes. I should preface by saying that this girl and I were both obscenely kinky and constantly egging on the other. It was like two people purity-spiraling deeper and deeper into sexual decadence. That spiral got worse as we grew to dislike one another more and more, yet still wanted to stay together for some reason, so we started to rely entirely on insane sex to buoy our sinking relationship.

One day, I simply told her that there was no way I was going to so much as touch her unless she slurped down whatever came out of my mouth. Not one to back down, she sultrily plopped down on my lap and opened her mouth. In so doing, she called my bluff, as I had no snot to give. So I started picking my nose and silently praying. God smiled upon me and I produced a single booger. I held it on my index finger and dangled it above her mouth.

“Ask me for it.”

“Pleeease,” she said before quickly snapping her mouth wide open again.

I put it right on her tongue and it disappeared in no time, leaving only a smile across her face, happy to have met the challenge with ease.

Again, I started digging. This time, I came out with a whopper of a booger. One of those huge ones with a slimy tail. When she laid eyes on it, she broke character and flatly said, “No.” And “no” means “no,” gentlemen. I had to do something with it though, so I proposed that it go up her ass. She had never said “no” to anything going up her ass, and she wasn’t going to start now. Up off my lap she went, and standing in front of me, she bent over to touch her toes, pulling back her miniskirt in the process. With my booger-free hand, I shoved the thong aside and asked if her little pucker was ready to swallow this mighty booger.

“Definitely.”

Up it went.

In exchange, I ate her out, and a few minutes in, I went fishing for that booger. Tragically, not even two fingers making circles in her anal cavity produced it. All the same, it was a damn fine night.

***

For all installments from Letters from a Heartbroken Pervert, click here.

Previous installments:

  1. I Can’t Draw
  2. Avant-Garde
  3. First
  4. Stupid
  5. Faces
  6. Wasted
  7. Your Idea
  8. Two-Thirds
  9. Trick
  10. A Poem
  11. Blurred Reality and Legal
  12. An Exchange
  13. About July Fourth
  14. Matter
  15. Taste and Dream
  16. Where Have You Cum?
  17. While You Were Speaking
  18. Why I Lie
  19. Another Poem
  20. The Oval Office
  21. Remembering and Normal
  22. Impossible But Desired
  23. Youth
  24. Prison
  25. Crying and Reactions
  26. On Piss
  27. Words Can Hurt and Dirty Marxist
  28. Future
  29. Bottom
  30. What Do I Think About While Watching Porn?
  31. Bedtime
  32. No and Diary
  33. On Milk
  34. What Makes Mike Adriano Great?
  35. Fucking Angela Merkel, Considered