It’s been three years since my last relationship and I haven’t had much success since. My former secretary Molly was sweet, but a little dense and clingy. She was an excellent baker as well; I could always expect a fresh batch of cookies on my desk when we were together. Unfortunately, she became mentally unstable after the death of her father. She was sent to a facility for mentally unfit women after she attacked a Catholic priest. Her condition has improved somewhat and I visit her occasionally. But I need to find a wife. I’ve tried all kinds of women, except one. What’s the final category that I’ve not tried? An undead mommy.

So I’m heading to Egypt to a lesser-known pyramid said to be the resting place of Nefertiti VI. I’ve been studying necromancy with the help of the Scarab Mystics. We’ll be exploring her tomb in the coming days. Waleed tells me that I’ll need the blood of four jackals to regenerate her body. If I do not have this, she’ll just be a living corpse, which isn’t my thing, to be quite honest.

Nefertiti VI was known for her artistic ability and divination. Waleed used to be a Sunni cleric before he was found by the Scarab Mystics, an order that worships Khepri and Anubis. His time as a Sunni cleric was filled with controversy. He was and still is very pro-bigamy. The king would go off every time and the other clerics mocked him for it. Waleed would always shout “Every man deserves two wives” while being carried out by police. A truly amusing fellow. He lives on energy drinks and pork.

The University of Michigan has provided me with transportation and a place to stay in Egypt. They’re under the impression that this is just a normal archaeological dig. I’ll bring something back for them so I can keep my position. But they don’t need to know that I’m using academic funds to get a mummy wife. The financial department is really getting owned. I hope they don’t mind my involvement with the occult. I have a fairly positive reputation in the archaeological community. There’s a portrait of myself in the Dean’s building. “The Honorable Professor Shawn M. Hughes” is on the plaque below it.

The plane leaves in two hours, but I’d like to check out Papa Midnight’s diner before I leave. The diner has an old school wrestling theme. I sat down at the table near the statue of Papa Midnight. The waiter approached me and said “How’s it going, my dude! I’m your waiter, Motherfucking McBeardly, and I’ll be taking your order.” He had glasses, a hipster beard, and a pocket on his shirt for his vape pen. McBeardly is an interesting character.

“I’ll have a Swiss burger, fries, and a can of Demon Energy. It’s going to be a long flight to Egypt and I’m going to need some go-off juice. I’m planning on calling my rival and gloating about my university-funded trip. She’s been trying to get approval for years.” I said as he wrote down my order. “It’ll be out in thirty minutes, king,” said McBeardly quietly as he rushed to the kitchen.

Bethany Ventis is an academic financial dominatrix, promising affection to men if they’ll give up some coin. But she never follows through. That’s how she’s gotten all of her projects approved, but one project has always eluded her, because it’d require the dean’s approval. Unfortunately for her, the dean prefers a different kind of love, the kind that only a cat-human hybrid could provide. She’s managed to gain a following of losers that’ll willingly go into debt for her.

McBeardly has finally returned with my food. “Here’s your food, my dude,” said McBeardly as he took out his vape pen. One of my colleagues recommended the book Fucking Like an Egyptian by Michael Fournier. Fournier is an expert on sex tourism and used to write for a somewhat edgy conservative website with some interesting characters. It should be a pretty entertaining read.

McBeardly is coming back. “Your bill is thirteen dollars, my dude. Also, you look like an important guy, I need a better job. I’m tired of working with Chad and Stacy,” McBeardly said in a hushed tone. I looked at my phone and thought about my to-do list. “Yeah, I need an assistant,” I said, assuming he’d decline. “I’ll take it. McBeardly is finally getting out of this motherfucking place. Tell Eggy I quit!” McBeardly screamed at Chad.

After getting some things sorted out, we got on the plane. I walked past Laura Northern from the Revolt News Network on the plane. Laura is a journalist and financial dominatrix. She makes six figures off beta guys that want some coochie. Former RNN journalist Faye Silver is here as well.

McBeardly is telling a passenger why it’s over for these hoes. That’s kind of funny, I suppose. I sat down and called Bethany Ventis. “Hey Bethany, I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading to Egypt. It’s a shame that you are stuck in Peru again. You’ll be missing a lot of intriguing research,” I said as she babbled incoherently about a thirty thousand dollar donation from a submissive guy. “I’m happy that, you got thirty thousand dollars, but I’ve got something better: your dream. Bye, Ventis!” I said as I put the phone down. I could hear her scream “Fuck you, Shawn!” multiple times before hanging up. The plane’s in the air now. I’m going to read Fournier’s book for a little bit. Tummy fetishism is pretty big over there.

This should be good; there’s now a catfight over who gets to interview me. My money’s on Faye winning since she’s been desperate ever since RNN fired her last year. I don’t remember why she was fired, but the RNN CEO’s wife did file for divorce two months later. I don’t know what that was about. Oh, looks like Laura isn’t wearing a bra. I was definitely right to think Faye would have the upper hand here. Laura’s doing too well to be hungry enough to fight for an interview. The university really outdid themselves here. Looks like it’s over, and Faye is pleased. Both of them will have to put on new clothes before leaving; there isn’t much left of what they were wearing. The plane’s landing in Cairo; I should probably wake up McBeardly. “Hey get up, it’s time to go,” I said as I ripped his headphones off his head. “Alright, my dude. Was taking my headphones necessary though?” McBeardly replied while attempting to find his vape pod.

We got in a cab and drove past a mosque. A man wearing a bloodstained suit was getting escorted out by military police. “Deus Vult, Orisini out!” the disheveled man screamed at an imam and the clerics. 1000’s nostalgia is alive and well. The cab brought us to the camp of the Scarab Mystics. We’ll be riding on camels to the pyramid of Neferriti VI tomorrow. Waleed and the others are smoking kratom while watching belly dancers perform. We walked over and sat near Waleed while listening to rants about bigamy. “Monogamy was invented to keep the male gender down, folks. Arranged bigamous relationships are the way forward, believe me!” Waleed yelled with the passion of a warrior.

The other mystics laugh it off and keep playing dice. But this won’t stop the zealous Waleed; their rejection motivates him even more. I’m not entirely sure if he’s made any progress, but Waleed seemed optimistic on the phone last week. McBeardly’s trying kratom while he talks about “go-off juice” with one of the mystics.

The caramel skin and perfect curves of the dancers are hypnotizing. Maybe Waleed has a point about this bigamy thing. The younger one has been looking in my direction occasionally. McBeardly and Waleed are arguing about how to deal with these hoes. Oddly enough, the more sensible one is Waleed, which was definitely unexpected. “I watched Spork School, I know how to deal with these hoes! Professor Hyde is an expert on this,” McBeardly said while showing Waleed the video.

Waleed nods in agreement and admits that McBeardly does have a point, but he sticks to his arranged bigamy position. Looks like things are dying down; the dancers have returned to their tents. Everyone is asleep except for the three of us. The show was wonderful; I think they’re tagging along with us, which definitely works in my favor.

I’m going to my tent, but they’re welcome to stay up all night. But if I hear them complain, they’ll taste my shoe. Those kratom-drunk night goblins better be quiet. My research is very important, and I need a wife. Dating apps keep matching me with fringe political e-girls. It’s time for something better, and I think Egypt can deliver. I fell asleep rather quickly and experienced a peculiar dream about podcasts.

Suddenly things started to get dark, and I heard a voice. I heard “Wake up, my dude! It’s time to go!” as I opened my eyes to see McBeardly. The scent of kratom was unavoidable, and Mcbeardly looked like he was trying to swim in the sand. “Why are you covered in sand, McBeardly?” I said as I gathered my things. “Waleed said the only way to know the secret of the Scarab is to become one with the Scarab. So I took another hit of kratom before emulating the behavior of a Scarab. It’s truly based, my dude!” McBeardly said as he pushed me out of the tent.

We made our way to the pyramid, and days felt like minutes. Am I still suffering from a secondhand high or is something making time pass faster? I can see the pyramid in the distance, and a comforting voice pierced my ears. Chasing e-girls was fun, but it’s time to settle down. I hope they have the sacrifice ready. I want to get this over with so I can start my new life with my mummy wife.

The servants are currently digging out the entrance as we set up camp. Waleed said they should be done in a day or two. That dream is still messing with my head. The belly dancers are cooking something for us. I can hear Waleed arguing with McBeardly again, over vaping techniques this time. I’m listening to Green Fear while I wait for my food. Sasha and Alexandra are very entertaining and insightful. They’ve been the targets of Russophobic attacks by the bourgeoisie on social media recently. But I’m glad that they’re resisting attempts to shut them down. The girls are talking about “giantess identity.”

As we started eating, one of the mystics began to ramble incoherently while doing a dance from a battle royale game. “Follow ZTMBaronofUrga! We was pharaohs, invest in tacos!” said the deranged mystic until McBeardly hit him with an empty Demon Energy can. I thought about what he said for a little while. Why should we invest in tacos? Is this a kratom-fueled rant or a mental breakdown?

After finishing our meals, we all went to sleep. The workers didn’t; they had digging to do. It looked like they are halfway done. They should be done by the time I wake up. It felt like hours passed, and strange images danced through my mind: hieroglyphics, buildings, and women from that era. Time passed at a fast pace; I woke up to Waleed yelling that it was time. Some of the mystics went ahead to start the ritual. Only the important part requires my presence.

I woke up McBeardly and we made our way to the entrance. The scent of rotted flesh mingled with incense and kratom. The chanting of the mystics could be heard throughout the interior of the pyramid. The screams of the sacrificed jackals pierced my ears four times before we arrived. Banners with scarabs were hung everywhere. Nefertiti VI’s name was written in blood on the walls using demotic script. I felt a loving warmth as we got closer but everyone else got colder. The hieroglyphs on the walls documented her exploits, her beautiful paintings, and the ability to divine the fate of lesser mortals. Whole armies were driven to march by her smile.

The mystics disappeared one by one. The screams were faint, but they didn’t faze me at all. I guess they forgot to put up protective sigils. The hounds of Anubis don’t like intruders. Maybe this was the plan. Their recruiting process is known for its brutality. The group dwindled to three: Waleed, McBeardly, and I. Waleed is noticeably shaken by all this, but McBeardly is too high to fear anything at all. Broken skeletons were scattered around the hall to the main chamber. Ghosts of Egyptian nobility and cats would appear occasionally. Showing their approval as I put my hand on the chamber door, it opened on its own. Her spirit senses my presence. The main chamber looks like it was never sealed to begin with. Everything was preserved so well by the ancient people in charge of her burial.

As I approached her body, the mystics handed me two items: a dagger and a cup. There’s one final ingredient: a willing human sacrifice. McBeardly was still high on Kratom and agreed to this before we entered. Sober McBeardly probably would have run for his life. “Let’s do this, my dude! I want to meet this Osiris guy that you mentioned.” McBeardly said with childish glee.

After one thrust into his neck, the cup was filled. His last words were “no women in gaming, my dudes!”.I handed the cup to the high priest, and the ritual continued. He mixed it and we waited for her body to become animated again. We waited a few hours, watching her body levitate and then return to its normal state.

“She’s alive!” the mystics screamed unanimously. I approached her with the cup and she smiled. Nefertiti VI drank it all in seconds. I was amazed at how fast her body was regenerating: a tall woman with caramel skin and perfect curves. The Scarab Mystics knelt before her, and sheput  her arms around me. “I see my sons have finally found me a new husband. It only took you lazy fucks thousands of years, by the looks of it. What year is it?” said Nefertiti to me. “It’s 2018,” I said as her jaw dropped. As she looked at them, they turned to stone. “I guess I can’t expect proper work from my children. They always did require nagging in order to do anything,” she said as we left together through a portal to my home in America. The tomb was completely empty as I looked back one last time. “We can have naughty fun after you do your chores my love! Clean your room and take out the trash,” she said as I reluctantly complied. I hate being told what to do, but at least I have a girlfriend. It’s better than being an incel, I suppose. She is very beautiful.

While she was painting in the nude, I started doing my chores. She’s creating a beautiful scene of us together, and a cat just passed me as I went downstairs. When did I get a cat? She must’ve summoned the cute little thing. The ghost of McBeardly was waiting near the trash can. As I put it in, he said “Was it worth it, my dude?” to me. “Yes, yes it was,” I said as he faded away. I quickly cleaned my room so we could fuck. I came back and the painting was finished. I’m sitting on the throne, and she’s laying pillows next to me. We went upstairs and the era of bliss began.

We’ve been discussing opening a museum for our work. She’s got paintings and other items that would draw a crowd. I’ve suggested leaving the occult items at home because they may not be beneficial for our new endeavor. But she says that we could summon hounds of Anubis to protect the museum, so it could work. I know this will make Bethany Ventis snap, so I’m all for it. After the discussion, she cooked for me. Nefertiti VI isn’t a big fan of clothes. I love my mummy-mommy girlfriend.

With the help of ancient magic, the museum will be open in one day. We’ve sent out invitations to everyone, including my rival Bethany Ventis. She’s not going to show up, even though she’s nearby. Her loyal servant Paul Ville will hide his joy when she begins throwing things. Nefertiti has been cooking more as of late. I’m not sure where we’re going to store all of this. I’m guessing some of it is for opening day. But I don’t want food containers to fall on me at three in the morning.

We arrived there with the food and Bethany was waiting outside for us. She hadn’t gotten dressed and Paul remained in the car. “My career’s in ruins, and it’s your fault. Why couldn’t you donate money like the others? You always ignored me at conferences,” Bethany said as she put a gun under her chin. As she goes to pull the trigger, Bethany turns into scarabs. They dispersed and the unveiling of the exhibits went ahead as planned. Guests were thrilled to see all of the ancient artifacts and artwork. Moms paid for divination services and kids took pictures with the sphinx.

The university has given us a generous gift of two million dollars. This will help with our plans to take Egypt away from the Muslims that invaded it. McBeardly will get a statue when we retake our rightful home. His role in this must never be forgotten. I’ll revive the order of Scarab Mystics once we get there. The new kingdom will be home to a stargate that will allow our armies to travel to new worlds. New Thebes will provide men with two wives. The incel crisis will never exist there.