To be honest, being president of the United States was easy. I was used to ordering people around. For example, when I lived with my mother, I would frequently tell her not to touch that day-old box of noodles in my little kingdom, my bedroom. Things were different now, considering that I had the entire West Wing of the White House all to myself. I only had to say “no” a lot more frequently. This is something that I had gotten accustomed to during my stay in America.

Furthermore, my hardline communist father wouldn’t like me saying this, but I had become more Americanized by that period. Fast food was widening my previously meager waistline. My waistline wasn’t the only thing growing American style. My English vocabulary was also slowly and unnoticeably on the come up. It was fair to say that my new favorite word was “Burn.” From what I understood, it was an emotive word. Like me, it had several sides to it. The word “Burn” could order the annihilation of something, such as over-sharers and those annoying yellow minion memes that divorced mums like to share on Facebook. It could also describe Montague Williams’ end. And “Burn” was a term used by white people when their bottled still water was too spicy for them.

The other English word I had learned was “Dumbass.” It was taught to me by Donald Trump, Jr. According to him, it was used to describe people you particularly valued in your life. Although when he told me the word’s definition, he had a teary eye. Apparently, his dad likes to call him that a lot. They must have a great father-son relationship, unlike my own. It’s fair to mention that lately, I’ve been spending a lot of my time with Donald Trump, Jr. He’s a great guy, even offering to train me at his in-home personal gym. The only downside was that his big muscles had gone to his head. Donald Trump, Jr. tried forcing me to call him “Donald Pump,” but I graciously declined with a “No.”

I still didn’t have a vice president. I needed someone with knowledge of the American political landscape. Someone who could stand his ground even in the face of massive opposition, and a candidate that was very intelligent. RING! RING! My luxury white telephone rang. I picked it up only to hear a familiar voice on the other side. “Yang, I just realized again how intelligent I am!” It was Donald Trump, Jr. notifying me again about his intellectual capacity. At that moment, I knew that I had to ask him to be my vice president. There was a hurdle: my English. Improvising, I put down the desk telephone and video called him on my smartphone. Waving my hand backward and forwards in a “come here” motion while yelling “dumbass” seemed to do the trick.

“Ah, I knew that you would eventually ask me to be your vice president,” Donald Trump, Jr. said with a big smile on his face. I reiterated, “dumbass,” before we embraced each other with a hug. I went back to my side of the desk and sat down. Despite being in the White House, the chairs were super uncomfortable. The Chinese workers that built them must have made them extra unbearable to sit on on purpose. While trying to position myself in a way where my ass wouldn’t be tortured, Donald Trump, Jr. began with one of the most genius ideas I have ever heard, “We should fulfill my father’s legacy of buying Greenland, a resource-rich barren land that will ensure our nation’s national security, not just against hostile military bases, but also the SJWs and feminazis. You don’t have any opposition to sending these kinds of people to Greenland?”

“Nope,” I replied.

“Brilliant! The accession of Greenland to the United States will also mean that the U.S. will become the second biggest country in the world,” Donald Trump, Jr. went on. I didn’t bother explaining to him this won’t happen, as China had laid territorial claims on literally all of their neighbors, including territories of its future neighbors, such as Vancouver, Toronto, and the Mar-a-Lago. Regardless, I was impressed by his brilliant proposal. Both sides of the political divide will welcome it. The conservatives will be happy about the overnight reduction of body odor stench, while the SJWs could build their gay neighborhoods in peace. But more importantly, create a society where you can question everything besides their opinion. It will also be an important opportunity for Donald Trump, Jr. His father had already tried to secure Greenland for the United States and ultimately failed. Maybe this will be the moment for Donald Trump, Jr. to prove to his father that he can fill his shoes.

“Dumbass,” I said to Donald Trump, Jr. to get his attention. He looked up at me, even though we couldn’t communicate in English. We both knew it was time. “One last thing: I got you a suitable security detail to make sure you stay out of harm’s way,” he revealed to me. In walked a lanky middle-aged man who was awkwardly balding. “This is Red Forman,” Donald Trump, Jr. said while this cumbersome figure stared into my soul. I nodded towards him, which seemed to act as a signal for him to introduce himself. “It is an honor to meet you, President Zhang. I am Red Forman, a USA navy veteran ready for your service. I do not know how to speak Chinese, but I sure love Chinese takeaway!” Forman introduced himself to me. Then a lightbulb sparked up in my head as I thought about the surname Forman. The name of that stripper that killed Montague Williams with her toxic crotch was Laurie Forman. Trying to explain it to him, I said, “Burn.” However, it was obvious from Mr. Forman’s response that he was unaware of his daughter’s career.

Red Forman was the head translator for my trip to Greenland. He had no idea about anything to do with the Chinese language, nor did he know about the local dialects in Greenland. Instead, he was just chosen to come along as he was the whitest white guy to exist in the Midwest. I could have just told him “No,” but I decided to take it upon myself to help the guy out by letting him know what his daughter had been involved in. Throughout our expedition, I just kept saying “Burn’” on repeat while Red Forman just smiled politely. He must have either thought I had a terrible rash, or he could have thought I agreed with him that the water was spicy. As we got off the plane, a single news reporter met us. From Greenland’s only television channel. I had been saying “Burn” so frequently that I had forgotten about my other English vocabulary in the past couple of hours. So I went with my best bet; “Burn” is the only thing I told the news reporter. To my surprise, people from all over Greenland evacuated. Not that it made any difference to Donald Jr.’s plans, Greenland was a big, empty country anyway. There was an unnoticeable if any drop in real estate prices. What did see a big increase were the plane prices to Denmark, probably because all the Greenlanders were fleeing there.

We used the power of social media to our advantage by keeping everything updated about what was going on. We wasted no time in changing the name of Greenland to NoLand. It was a nod to my love for using the word “No” and other related words such as “Nope.” We also thought it would be a terrific idea since the SJWs will ensure that no one with a different opinion can express it. To promote the new territory of the USA, we got Hunter Biden and Donald Trump, Jr. to have a boxing match to raise awareness of NoLand. Hunter Biden’s fighter name was Cocaine Hunter, while Donald Trump, Jr.’s was Donald Pump. Kanye West conducted the commentary. Soon after, we were already nearing the 10,000 milestone in terms of population. The biggest SJWs from around the world were going there. Everywhere I turned, there was so much blubber shaking from these women’s arms. It would have been a major health and safety hazard if the whale hunting Greenlanders had stayed around.

The ecosystem was developing nicely. The SJW maniacs were draining themselves from the USA. Due to no local constitution and no replacement legal framework, a lot of famous brands were duplicated into homosexual versions. For example, there was Gayway, where you could order a footlong of hairy balls, dusty big toe, and Milanese cock. There was also a thriving tech scene with companies such as Gaygle, where every single search result returned something homosexual. For example, I Gaygled how to change a lightbulb, and I learned how to shove one in my ass.

Everything was going according to plan until Greta Thunberg turned up. She must have heard me say the word “Burn,” thus triggering her, which led her all the way across the globe. Mind you, she wasn’t here on holiday to see the pristine planes of NoLand. Instead, she was here to wreak havoc and foil our plans. If she succeeded, government regulations would be put in place to limit the land sold to prospective libtard colonists. So I had to learn another word soon if I had any chance to traverse the convoluted NoLand environmental zoning laws.